The Revelation Behind Rejection

I was reflecting lately on rejection and relationships. And obviously one thing that came to my mind is the saying “ you never know what you have until you have lost it” and for a while I used to scream amen to it until I came to terms with the fact that, while it is true (to some extent), they are some people in this world that have lost me and will never know what it means to have lost me. And the reason why they will never know that is because they never knew what they had in the first place. 

Knowing the magnitude of a loss comes with a revelation of what you had in the first place and what it represents for you, at a personal level. The very first place of the human revelation of receiving something good was with Adam when God gave him Eve. God made everything from the ground including man but when it came to the woman, she was made out of Adam's rib. Adam did not have a mirror and my guess is he didn’t know what he looked like. He didn’t know what Eve was made of or how she was made. And yet, when he woke up from the sleep God had put him under, He saw Eve and said : “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” (Gen 2:23). God didn’t tell Adam about his plan so how could he possibly know that she was made from him? I’d like to believe that there was a divine insight that Adam had that made him recognize what he had been given and what it represented for him. 

Outside of the realm of romantic relationships, I believe that the knowledge of how important people are to us and the importance of what they carry within themselves is a matter of revelation. And the way they treat us correlates to whether or not they have received that revelation. And you don’t go around telling people who/what you are to them: they have to find out for themselves. As a Christian, I believe that type of revelation/discernment is not common sense/ common knowledge but rather comes from walking closely with God (john 4:10)

When I understood that people’s ability to steward me properly was tied to the revelation of who I was to them, I realized that what they did and the way they acted towards was never personal. That’s also when the terms “rejection is God’s redirection” took a deeper meaning for me. And God led me to Matt 7:6 to understand what that means from a Biblical perspective. 

“Do not throw your pearls before pigs, for they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” 

Jesus’ analogy depicts what it looks like to invest something valuable (our time, emotions, gifts/talents, our own selves, etc…) into people and places that have no revelation of their/our value and that lack the stewardship skills to handle it properly. The end result is those things being trampled. I was curious about what happens when pigs trample things, so I went to look it up and this is what I found: 

“When pigs trample, they can cause significant damage to crops, fields, and other agricultural areas. They can destroy plants, damage fences, and even contaminate food sources, leading to financial losses and health risks. Additionally, their rooting and digging behavior can damage the soil structure, impacting long-term productivity.”

A lot of us are damaged and broken because we trusted people and spaces with valuable things about us that they were never meant to get a hold of and they trampled them. Jesus’ word is an invitation to discern our target audience. Not everyone is meant to hold the most sacred part of us. Not everyone is meant to have access to our hopes, dreams. I like to equate the most sacred and intimate parts of us to the Holy of Holy which was the innermost and most sacred chamber within the Tabernacle and then within the Temple that was built to the Lord. Back then the temple was a physical building, but now our bodies are the physical temple (1 co 6:19). So we ought to be diligent about who has access to us, to our hearts, to our lives, to our gifts. But most importantly we ought to be diligent about the places we dwell in, the tables we sit at and the companies we choose to entertain. 

Understanding those things helped me to not dwell too much on longing for the tables I used to sit at that God flipped, the relationships that God severed so the right connections can be made and the doors God closed so that I could walk through the ones He opened for me. That revelation is itself didn’t necessarily make things easy but it made it easier: easier to mourn properly, easier to not ruminate day in and day out and constantly ask "why?", easier to move on, easier to see things for what they were instead of longing for things/people that were nothing but a construct of my mind because I projected onto those places and people the God/Godly characteristics that I carried but didn't always received back. 

My invitation to you is to think about the people and the places that welcome you and value you: all of you, not just what you bring but also who you are, and the people and places that don’t; and to decide where you would rather cast your pearls. The most precious pearl of all (Jesus) was given to the world so that you would know how valuable you are. There is a place for you, a seat prepared, people that you are and will be an answered prayer to. Your target audience is out there and I pray that in due time, you find it and that it finds you.

Until next time,

The Equally Yoked Series: Love Does [Not] Conquer All

Probably one of the shortest article i will write but I still thought it was worth being written. So short you will probably think « well... she could have easily said that in the previous one » but then you would have probably nailed me for writing miles long articles. Mankind... Anyway! Welcome back to the last leg (hopefully) of the equally yoked series and I think the title doesn’t get any more explicit. We’ve heard it before « love conquers all » in theory but real life can be much more complicated than cupid dressed as a spartan to conquer everything that comes its way (beautiful analogy, not very realistic) although there are a few exceptions that have made it work, some differences are sometimes difficult near impossible to conquer no matter how in love you are with each other. It might seem at the beginning that you can overcome it but then as the hormones and the delusion fade you are left facing either the most infamous question of all time or the most painful reality  which translate to "what do we do now?" Or "this is not going to work". Every relationship / mariage before being entered should have a set of rules/ agreements that define the boundaries upon which both parties are operating. Those agreements make up the code of conduct of this relationship and/or marriage. It comprises the spiritual and moral codes of conduct you are both mutually agreeing to follow as well as an understanding of what your goals and objectives (personal and as a couple) are.

 As important as being equally yoked spiritually is (speaking for me as a christian) there is also a need to be equally yoked when it comes to your values, vision and goals. The reason being that it doesn’t matter how compatible you are spiritually, if you do not agree on the values, your goals and your vision it might be a problem down the line. Some people get into relationships thinking that they can pray away the divergences that they are facing, only to turn bitter down the line when they realize that things are not turning the way they WANTED them to. Why get into a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to get married when you do? Why get married to someone who doesn’t want kids when you do? Why be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe in monogamous relationship when you do? As hard as it is to reroute your heart and convince it to not do all kind of level 5000 stupid choices (and believe me when I say level 5000 stupid because some choices I still regret to this day), there are conversations that you need to have with yourself first and with the person you are about to enter a journey with. Most of the time we think that with time the person we love will change and see things from our perspective and chose to embrace our vision but it rarely happens that way and people rarely change to fit the ideas and expectations we have of them. If anything, with the years, some of them get further away from that ideal we have. Love is fundamental to build a relationship or a marriage but it is not enough. It is not enough because romantic feelings may fade: you need to have other [solid] foundations over which your relationship/ marriage rests in order to make it work. You need to be honest with yourself and your partner about how important the values you carry with yourself are and if you share the same set of values. Be honest about your goal and vision and if you are not aligned decide how important it is for you. Obviously it should be important because walking in two different visions defeats the purpose of marriage or a relationship. But that is just my opinion.

All in all, before you let yourself crash in an emotional train wreck, think carefully about what you want, what is important for you. Have that conversation with yourself first and with your partner. And if you do not reach an agreement that helps define your core values and moral code of conduct for the relationship/ marriage maybe your should let them go. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person or they are. It just mean you are not a match for each other.

The Equally Yoked Series: "Two Is Better Than One"

Welcome back to a new article and a new series where I will be discussing [Godly] relationships. For this new article, I thought about dabbling a little into a question I've come to ask myself as well as people around me a lot: can a Christian marry a non-believer? I am sure you have heard it before: do not marry a non-believer. We’ve all been there and heard the infamous “unequally yoked” verse. You have managed to drill it into your head and yet, here you are, reading this article because you have inevitably fallen for a handsome man  or a beautiful woman who is everything you can ask from a man/ woman but is not a believer. And you are beginning to think of all the couples you know where one of the spouses is a non-believer and yet they still manage to make it work. And so you contemplate the idea of marrying someone who is not on the same spiritual journey you are on but swears that they respect and support you. Fair enough. I am not judging you and trust me when I say I have been there and I know it all too well: the anger, the bargaining, the compromises and then the realization that perhaps it is not going to work out so well for you in the end. And let me tell you this… Nothing hurts more than letting go of something you truly want and desire (that and being told you can’t have your favorite food because there is no gluten free version of it yet… Gosh… ) I am not judging you at all because I have been there but let me give you my take on this matter hoping that it will help you better assess the direction you want to go in from this place of heartache and confusion you stand at right now.

A few days ago while I was attending Bible study, we were discussing  Ecclesiast 4: 9-12. And although we were talking about a totally different topic still related to that passage, verse 12 caught my attention in particular as being (in my opinion) one of the keys to a successful marriage:

“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble […] A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”

A couple where both spouses are Christians has higher chances of standing compared to one where only one is a Christian because you both cover each other spiritually and can stand strong as a couple in spiritual warfare (yes this is a real thing… Might post an article someday about it). When one spouse is weak the other can pray and stand strong for the other and vice versa; a little bit like watching a house: if one person is tired, falls asleep or missing his/her turn at watching the house, the other person can cover for it. The second part spoke more to me as having a marriage/ relationship centered on Christ: when things will get rocky, both spouses will know where to run (in the presence of God) and who to run to (God). They will seek counsel from people who can and will (hopefully) direct them according to the Word of God. Having built a marriage on Christ assures a household built on solid foundations (both spouses in agreement with spiritual principles and acting accordingly, Matt 7:24) with the condition that both spouses are equally working on having a successful and healthy marriage, committed to God and committed to each other.

A Christ-centered and godly marriage does not guarantee that things will run smoothly. If you think it does, I got breaking news: you’re wrong. What it means however is that when things go wrong you know in which direction to go. And that is why it is important to walk in the same direction as mentioned in Amos 3:3.

“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?”

What this means is that either you will go in one direction (one spouse pulling the other: towards God or away from God) or you will walk in separate directions (which totally defeats the purpose of marriage). Marrying a non-believer seems like a good idea in the moment and might even work on the short run. But down the road, issues will arise especially if you are called to go further in your walk with God: the distance of your spouse to God will be echoed in your marriage as you grow closer to God.

So now what? Well you tell me! If you are reading this, chances are you have already decided what your next step will be but you are looking for clues, signs or what not to comfort you in your decision. Marriage is a personal decision just like salvation: you marry someone who is good for you and to you, not for the people giving their opinion on who they think you should marry. Two things I will tell you however are: 1) figure out what is the most important to you between a spouse and a godly spouse and once you do, 2) pray. Leave it to God to be what He wants things to be without getting too caught up in your feelings and/emotions because they can deceive you.

Hope this helped.

Until next time,

xo

The Ghosting Trend : When The People We Love/ care about Turn Into Casper

Welcome back to the blog and to a post I hope you find as interesting as I did writing it. I debated if it was a good idea or not to post this but I guess if it is not a good idea, I’ll just ride with it and get whipped later. Let me start by saying that the topic that is discussed today is a “thing”, a trend that I myself have also been guilty of. So truly this is a time to repent and a message to all the people who have been on the receiving end of that behavior I have exhibited. Ladies and gentlemen welcome tonight the most trending behavior of all time: Ghosting.

I do not know who invented this but let me tell you something from a black woman: that thing got me messed up! I am not even going to lie. The guy who says he’s going to call after a meeting, the girl who is talking to her mom and will call you back in 5. Yo… some of us have been waiting for 5 years!! For booboo the fool to be done at the barber shop and come back to go the movies (yeah I still got the tickets sitting on my night stand) . Let me catch a breath before I catch a mental breakdown. Having ghosted people and having been ghosted (yeah Karma was like: “girl you’re about to learn some!” and trust me I learned my lesson), I tried to understand the root cause of it. And after giving it some thought I understood that it was a phenomenon fostered by the society we live in: a society that has raised generations who have become inadequate.

We have become inadequate at expressing ourselves because we do not know how to communicate anymore without technology and outside of social media. We have not developed the skilled necessary to handle real human interactions. We have not learned to explore the broad spectrum of emotions which for us is limited to a double tap on Instagram, clicking on a reaction button on Facebook or sending a bunch of emojis via text messages. Anything outside of this frightens us because it is not familiar. It frightens us because we have not developed the tools necessary to handle people's emotions and the way they affect us. Or maybe we have but we simply don’t want to have to do it because we do not feel like it is our responsibility? Or perhaps we simply forbid ourselves to deal with people’s feelings triggered by our words, actions, decisions because it would imply that we have some kind of responsibility and accountability with regard to how they feel? Responsibility, accountability, duty, commitment to truth, inadequacy… All the things we hate to hear in one sentence… I feel the anxiety rising PLEASE give me a brown bag… Not working... I changed my mind!

And then once the panic is gone, we decide to ghost. We try to rationalize it and make ourselves feel better by fabricating lies. We stitch them up together, make them look nice and good, but let me tell you that it didn’t feel good to me when he didn’t return my calls, when all of the sudden he stopped texting, moved in with her and then got married. The crying, the wondering, the constant questioning of your value or self worth: “Was I not good enough? What did I do?” It never feels good and we will never understand but somehow we find the strength to move on because we realize that perhaps it had everything to do with them and little to do with us.

 Ghosting is not childish: there is nothing innocent or fun about it. It is a deliberate choice to ignore someone and destroy his/ her self-esteem in the process. And this is never acceptable. It is a disease that has been around for years and for which only cure will be the future generations if we teach them the right way to do things and instill in them the desire to build genuine relationship with people without the emotional numbness of technology and social media.

God help us all!

Until next time,

xo



Somethings Need Silence To Heal: The Art Of The No Contact Rule And Why It Works

Let me start by saying that if you came here hoping that you will read something along the line of : “ the No Contact is the guaranteed way you will get your ex back” you got the wrong blog and the wrong article. I won’t sell you that BS here. Granted it works but my point here is not to tell you why it works to get your ex back. My point is to tell you why it works in helping you healing, get back on your feet and move on with your life.

We have all been there you know. Whether the break up just popped up like an unplanned pregnancy or after a big fight it crept in slowly into the relationship, breaking up sucks. And if somebody tells you otherwise or if you believe otherwise, then you or they weren’t really in love. A breakup is one of the suckiest moments an individual can go through in life, but one that can come with the most amazing and rewarding 360 in life that can leave you in awe of the new person you have become. And this happens only with two conditions reunited and necessary for to create the space needed to evolve: 1) you need to surrender to your feelings (at least for a period of time) and 2) you have to let go.

The first step is the most difficult one and the one most people tend to skip or forcefully fast forward. Wrong move. I have made it a point to not let anybody dictate to me the way I feel. And you shouldn’t either. You are entitled to feel any type of way after a relationship ends because it was a connexion. And in some cases not only are you losing a lover, you are also losing your best friend. And this will not got unnoticed for your heart or your soul. So you need to be honest with yourself and just surrender. You yourself are enough to heal your pain and nurture your soul in order for it to grow and transition from brokenness to wholeness. And the truth is you are. You are enough to nurture and heal your soul by acknowledging what it feels and being in touch with your emotions, by praying and by doing the work you need to get yourself out of the pit. Ignoring your emotions or the state in which you soul/heart are in after a breakup is the perfect recipe for disaster. We ruin our own lives and in the process of doing so we ruin other people lives. Instead of loving them with a fully healed and healthy heart/soul, we love them with the pieces we have left and when it’s not enough, we turn them into collateral damages that only express the degree to which we feel hurt, broken and incomplete. The first step to heal is to acknowledge the existence of the wound and address it.

The second step is to cut off the person cold turkey. The people who know me or have dated me can tell you that I am a proud supporter of the no contact rule. I don’t believe that you can be friend with an ex while trying to heal from a breakup. Honey bunches of nope. 🙅 Not happening. It’s counterproductive. You can’t be trying to heal from a wound and constantly poke at it or pick at it while it’s scabbing. It’s gonna take forever to heal. You need to let go of that person and register that what you had is gone. You need them and everything that reminds you of them to be out of sight so that they can be out of mind. If you have the same circle of friends, try to cut down on the social gathering for a bit. If you used to go to the same places, venture out of your comfort zone and explore new spots to go to in the city. Go radio silence on them. But let’s be clear: the goal is not for them to miss you (however this might be a side effect). The goal is for you to create space in your life to build something new, to build yourself and learn to live life without them. So you have to keep that in sight. It has worked for me in the past and I am always amazed at how much I change and grow after every breakup. The NC process and everything that comes after a relationship  ends has to be about you. Everything post breakup is about you. It’s is not being selfish. It is just the way things are post breakup. The minute the relationship ends things get shuffled and the only thing that matter the first second after the breakup is? You! Exactly! So don’t feel bad if they want to talk to you or reconnect and you don’t want to. It means you are not ready or you are simply in a better place in life and they are not invited to the party anymore. It is totally okay. But whether you decide to reconnect or part ways with them longer than the initial time you had set for the NC (or perhaps forever) remember you are doing it for you now, at your pace and with your rules.

I hope you got something good out of this and if you are out there navigating the shallow waters of the post-break up life, I want you to know that you are not alone and that things will get better. It might take a while but eventually they do.

As Iyanla always says “ stay in peace not in pieces” and even if you are in pieces right now, just know that they will come back together one day and make a masterpiece that will make you grow in the process and smile down the line.

Until then,
xo

Thank God For True Friends

Another week, another article right on time for thanksgiving. Usually I would have been racking my mind, wondering about what topic I would talk about but the fuckery I went through this past week (and I am still going through) made my topic of the day a no brainer. I am typing this, waiting for to board my flight and I realize that besides being alive and the many blessings God has poured into my life, I have never been as grateful for friends and family as I am today. I have been blessed to meet a lot of people in my life: some of them are still in the picture, some are gone but I but I can take pride in the solid squad I have been a member of and I am forever grateful for it.

As I was watching Sex and the city few days ago it has struck me how important having friends to support you is important. A soulmate is great but only your friends can see passed the hype of being in a relationship and help you stay grounded. True friends won’t judge you for being you. They will understand why you act a certain way or why you say certain words. They will know what sets you off and if they ever hurt you they will apologize sincerely because your relationship is more important than any disagreement you may have. True friends will know when things are not okay despite without even mentioning it. They will notice that little crack in your voice when you say hello, they will notice how your hug is tighter than usual. They will know by looking into your eyes because your eyes are the mirror of your soul and because they know your soul, they will see the broken pieces floating.

They will be there to hold you when you fall apart and they will help you pick up the pieces. They will wipe your tears, pour you a drink (if they must) and tell you “you will be okay” while stroking your hair, feed you when you refuse to eat because your heartbreak is unbearable and you can’t just find the strength to keep going and just want to starve yourself to death… But most importantly they will be there to pray for you. And it might have seemed trivial years ago but getting older, I realized how important it is, especially in times where you are so heart and soul broken than you can’t even say a word. You just need that one person who is going to hold your hand and pray for you, asking God to fill you with his love and make you whole again.
and if they ever are to meet with somebody who hurt you so bad or did you wrong, they will make sure they curse that person if they ever run into them in the street because they love you and because perhaps they know the exact words you wanted to say but never did because you were too hurt to say.

A true friend will also be there in the good time because “ a friend loves at all times”. They will be there to share your happy moments, your accomplishments. And if they cannot be there, there is a good chance that they have helped you along the way whether it was by keeping you accountable and helping you focus on your objectives or by believing in your even in times where you didn’t. or even by sending you that “break a leg” text before that interview for that job you were so stressed about and ended getting.

Because friendship is not about the big things, but rather about consistency in the small one.

To the ones who stood by me and helped me get back on my feet when I couldn’t do it on my own. Thank you! I am grateful for every single one of you and I pray that God bless you beyond what your mind can conceive.

Much love and happy thanksgiving!

Loving Without Expectations Or The Art Of Being Happy In Relationships

Welcome back to your favorite happy place for another article. Today we are going to talk about Love. I know what you are thinking ...

Yeaaaah... I knoooowww... I'll make it quick and as painless as I can. So grab yourself a chair or lay down on the Sofa like we do when we pay hundreds of $ to talk to a psychologist who only cuts us off occasionally to say: "you have some really deep issues"... okay... Thanks I guess... 

Make yourself comfy and let's dive in right away. Let’s talk about love and its implications [told and untold] that one minute drive us crazy about the people we are in a relationship with only to leave us filled with anxiety and on the verge of a panic attack the next one.

Love is a beautiful thing. It is an amazing feeling [when you can actually feel it…] to have. For all the times I didn’t really have a chance to fully embrace it or dive into it without feeling hurt, I still chose to cherish the greatness and happiness I got from briefly waving it “hi” instead of reminiscing/ reliving the hurt I got from it. I chose not to turn into that cynical friend you dread to be around… You know... The one who can’t help but throw some shades at your love story and your new beau, narrating you his/her version of “1000 ways to get your heart broken” or “10 steps to getting your heart in pieces”. No… I turned into the sarcastic one with the naïve smile and the occasional smirk on her face, the one that will pretend she isn’t hurt when in fact she very much is but would rather wait to get home and cry herself to sleep because she doesn't deal well with letting the world see her misery. Yes.. THAT friend... I do believe in love, I do believe it is beautiful but I don’t believe that love is all pink and beautiful and that it is all we see in the movies.

Love is not always that romantic comedy that makes us break in tears happy and wish for a happily ever after. This is not the reality of love. The reality of love is what happens when all the hormones settle down and your haziness from being high on dopamine starts to dissipate. It is what happens when you go back to normal [whatever that means 😒] and that you go from being high for days to having your wings cut. It is that sudden anxiety that you feel when you realize you are free falling and about to crash but you hope you won’t because "in theory" your significant other should be there to catch you. And sometimes they are and it is wonderful! But sometimes they don’t and nothing comes close to the hurt you experience at that moment. It is devastating… And though the pain you might experience could be anywhere similar to being punched in the gut and the balls at the same time [for months until you finally move on], some of us are able to walk away with minor emotional trauma that resolves within days, weeks, months (depending on the individual) and a slightly bruised ego, while some other just land in the ER, in a non reactive coma. Been there many times, occasionally waking up from my emotional coma, only to ask myself how was it possible for a human being to suffer that much pain over and over again… The answer to my question came when I stopped jumping from one relationship to another in hope that it will mend my broken heart, and started focusing on what was happening inside of me.

I understood that love didn’t put me there. Love is a dangerous beautiful thing. It is the expectations we carry and impose to the person we are about to start that emotional journey with that beat us to death, before hijacking the parachute and tricking us to jump off the plane; and next thing you know, you are crashing on the concrete. Sounds scary huh? That’s because it is scary. The moment you crash is the moment the frustrations hit, the arguments, the cold shoulder and/ or sometimes the cold war and God forbid you are a child stuck in the middle of all this chaos. Your stake on love will forever be altered and good luck being an emotionally stable human being again.

As I was in emotional rehab working on myself by myself for myself, the only question that was on my mind was: how can I possibly prevent this from happening again? And if it ever happens, how do I minimize the casualties should I do one or more rounds of this bittersweet suffering? I asked myself this question because I knew that if I kept on doing what I was doing I would turn into your cynical friend I mentioned earlier who you grew tired off and eventually unfriended on Facebook, blocked on Snapchat, Whatsapp, Viber, Imo, and also IRL. I didn’t want that to happen to me. I didn’t want to be that type of person. And to my question, some people’s answer was to build walls around my heart to protect it. In theory it works great but in reality, you confine yourself in a very lonely place emotionally and while you are protecting yourself from being hurt, you are also protecting yourself from being happy.  And who wants to live a safe but unhappy life? Maybe some people do but I didn’t.

My epiphany about how expectations could ruin everything before things even started led me to learn how to walk into relationships without expectations; and if this was impossible, helped me keep them very minimal. I have learned not to expect the good nights and good morning calls/ texts and the fluffy stuff that came with being in a relationship. And when my heart was too wild and loving beyond reason, I learned to not expect too much because I couldn’t sustain the hurt and pain that came with being disappointed. I tend to have very high expectations for myself and as a human being, I most of the time fail to hold them, hence disappointing myself at many occasion. So if I can’t hold these expectations, why do I expect somebody to hold them? I have learned to not expect somebody to fix me, mend my broken heart, cure my debilitating loneliness, fill the void I experience more than I would ever like to acknowledge or be my hero and save me from the monsters of my past that more than once have come back to haunt me. I don’t expect somebody to be my everything and I don’t expect somebody to make me his/her everything because the amount of pressure and the unrealistic expectations that come with it are untold of and highly unrealistic! And it wouldn’t be fair to put somebody through that because this is not their job!

The most important thing when it comes to expectations is to not expect somebody to love you when they actually don’t and no matter how hard it is to love someone without being love in return, you have to accept it. Learning to be happy in a relationship starts with being happy alone and this calls to your ability to be self-reliant and to look within yourself for all those things you are seeking through a relationship. It starts with your ability to be independent and keep your expectations from your Significant other non-existent or, at best, minimal because you know that all you need lies within you.

Don’t wait for somebody to make you smile, be happy or give you validation: do it yourself, create your own happiness. Don’t wait for somebody to be your hero: be your own hero, write your own story. There is a power that stems from the ability to be self-reliant and fuels your desire to be happy in a relationship that can only be reached once you have mastered the art of expecting nothing. And until you learn how to do that, being happy will remain nothing but a foreign concept which you will never be able to fully grasp.

What I Have Learned From My Failed Relationships.

Failure sucks. And besides the fear of death, it is one of the things we as human are absolutely terrified of after the fear of rejection. So we sit in our little corner, we try to play it safe and remain in the comfort zone. But from all I have learned in life, all the amazing experiences I ever have, all the amazing people I crossed path with, it all came from getting out of the comfort zone and risking it all.

A very good and close friend of mine, a sister of heart I should even say told me something that really remind the quote that goes by: “ If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.”

She told me that when it comes to relationships, we shouldn’t be afraid to fail and we should be able to go back on our feet and try again, as many time as we can, until we finally get what we were looking for. Now looking at my very inglorious emotional past and relationship career, I immediately told her that another relationship failure would be fatal for me and I don’t know if I could get over it. But deep down I knew that I could. I just said it because with the wears and tears of getting your heart thrown on the ground and stepped over, it takes much longer to recover. It takes more effort to consolidate the broken pieces. It takes more will power to get off the couch and find your way back to life because well… it hurts like a motherfucker to be hurt, especially when it comes to your heart. But the truth is you learn to get over it and you move on. You eventually forget the pain but you don’t forget what it taught you. And this is what I have learned from my past failed relationships.

1. Be the mature one.

For a relationship to work at least one grown up is required but ideally and in order to have the optimal conditions reunited for a blossoming relationship, two grownups is the norm. Two can play the Ego game but pride has never been a great guest in any relationship. So if you care about your relationship and the person you are in it with and if that person cannot act their actual age, you need to get above and beyond the childish whim and tantrums they throw and be the mature one.

2. Don’t speak under the influence.

And here of course, I am speaking mostly about any type of alcohol and drug (including your hormones) but more specifically under the influence of your emotions. When anger and hurt strike, there are so many things that we say that we either immediately regret or that we regret the next morning, after (of course) processing how hung over we are and vaguely remembering that WWIII happened in your kitchen and somehow ended with you falling asleep with a bottle of wine on the couch, while doing a SATC marathon to calm your nerves. Sometimes the things we regret are the ones we don’t mean that and that we say just to hurt the other person we engage in an argument with. Some other times, it is the things we mean, the legitimate concerns we raise that lose their validity as soon as we start yelling because we are getting our point across the wrong way. I have never been a great communicator but one thing I have learned to do is to shut down when a situation becomes so confrontational that I know if I open my mouth it is going to be Armageddon. I have learned to walk away from conflict not because I am a coward, but because some words can hurt more than sticks and stones and once words are said, they can only be forgiven but not forgotten.

3. Don’t try to change your partner.

Don’t fall in love with potential: fall in love with the person you are in a relationship with or you are about to be in a relationship with. Potential can be deceiving. If you can’t sign up for what you are being offered, just back away and decline the offer. But just don’t walk into a relationship thinking you can change somebody. You don’t have that power. The only way a person can change is if that person wants to do it. Don’t make the relationship a project, don’t try to fix the other person  (especially if there is nothing wrong but you somehow convince yourself that the other person is broken. That’s creepy AF.) , don’t try to make them do things they do not want to do because the only thing that will get out of this is frustration and resentment and those are very toxic adds-on to a relationship. Either take him/her as s/he is or watch her/him as s/he goes.

4. Don’t say it unless you mean it.

We all get caught up in the heat of the moment: the promises of the happily ever after, the forever and ever, the “always” to quote Isaac from TFIOS. And we can’t blame ourselves for nothing but our crazy hormones and the infatuations that blind sides us and make us lose out mind. Be wise with your words and patient with your heart. Let the steam go down a notch and let your head rest a little. Let your words be said when your mind is clear and your thoughts in order. Good things never stemmed out of chaos.

5. Don’t listen to respond, listen to communicate.

Listen to your S.O for what it is : to listen. Even during an argument. Don’t listen to pick things apart and try to blame, convict them. Listen to understand, without bias; listen to communicate and turn an argument into a two ways street communication. It is hard but it works.

6. Give and ask for forgiveness, show grace and mercy , love unconditionally.

"Forgiveness is the Final act of love" ~ Beyoncé

a) Especially when you feel the urge to bail out. Unless the person is not showing signs that they want to make it work, always apply those three principles and b) especially when you are in all your rights to be mad and walk away. To come back to TFIOS and quote Isaac again  “Love is to keep the promise anyway” and if you promised to make it work no matter how hard it is, do it. If you promised to stick with each other, love each other, “agree to disagree on red velvet cake” to quote Paige in The Vows, do it, because the best clap back to somebody who is giving you hurt (whether they mean it or not) is to give them love, forgiveness, grace and mercy.

7. If everything else fails, leave.

The worst thing you can do to yourself if you are in the wrong story is to stay and be unhappy. So if you have tried everything and nothing is working or if you just feel like you have given your all and you can’t just keep on letting your SO other make a fool out of you, leave. Life is too short to be unhappy and stuck in the wrong story. Leave, close the door behind you and write a better story than the one that broke your heart and made you cry uncontrollably. 

I hope this article helped you and that you found some valuable advices in it and no matter how many times you fail in love, always remember this : “success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts”

Until next time,
xo


*TFIOS : The Fault In Our Stars
*SATC: Sex And The City
*S.O: Significant Other

From The Mud To The Glory: The Victory of the Queen and The Disgrace of Becky With The Good Hair

It has been a minute since I have been here and I am more than happy to be back. For some reasons - reasons I  know nothing about- I can't seem to find a one size fits all magic formula that works when it comes to opening my articles and blow your mind beyond imagination. On the other hand,  I can't seem to familiarize myself with the good ol' and generic "hi people! I hope you are doing fine! today we will be talking about... blah blah blah". So I will get straight to the point hoping you will keep reading anyway...

So a lot of things have been happening lately and among them I recently hit the quarter of century milestone (yes I know...). I thought about writing things I have learnt as I got older but then I changed my mind. Instead, I decided to talk about something more meaningful, something which has made the headlines of the news in the African community and been the major topic of gossip among the community. If you haven't guessed it yet, it is the wedding (religious) of Eto'o and his wife Georgette. Once again, if you have followed the actuality regarding this couple, you would understand why them taking their mariage to this next step is such a big deal.

Eto's fils and his wife Georgette at their wedding, celebrated by the pope Francois Ier 🎆🎊🎉

At the age where all the hormones start to kick in, the desire to find a soulmate and start a family becomes an obsession, I tried to understand why Georgette decided to salvage her marriage and give it a second chance. I wanted to understand why, in a midst of a generation that throws away anything that fails to work according to the plan, she decided to stay and even agreed to engage in holy matrimony. And even though some people seem to put forth the money as the main reason why she stayed, the most obvious one to me is love. Why? because Eto'o admitted that when they both started dating, she was the one bringing the bacon on the table and that I quote " He was an amateur soccer player that no club wanted to sign". So truly money has never been an issue for her and it certainly isn't now. But why would love be the most obvious reason? Let's look at the definition of love according to the Bible:

Now I don't know if Georgette is a christian but the love she displays is along the line of what was said a little higher. Only someone that loves you form the type of love that was aforementioned can overlook the hurt and humiliation she was put through. Only some that loves you from such a pure love can decide to forgive and continue the walk she has started years ago with the man she wanted to grow old with. And it can only  make sense because they have a history together, a commitment to pick each other up whenever one of them falls. She could have judged him, condemned him, expose him in ways only women knows how to do but she didn't. She could have stood with the popular opinion but she didn't. She stood in silence, protected the honor of her husband despite hers being thrown into the mud. She protected her husband and showed the perseverance of her love by walking through the aisle to join her husband in holy matrimony before men and before God. 

Not every woman would tolerate a cheating man let alone stay with him and take their marriage to the House of the Lord (hellu'r?!). This show another trait that only pure love can display and this trait is trust. You cannot decide to take your marriage before God if you don't trust the person you are walking with to take care of your heart and your feelings. Moreover, she stayed because she decided to forgive; she displayed a will to move past the wrong her husband did her and look at all the things he did right.

Rita Thornton- The Vow

She decided to look past her husband's flaws, imperfections and mistakes because the truth is we are all humans and we all make mistakes; nobody is immune to it and God forbid we find ourselves in the position Samuel found himself in because as inflexible, unforgiving as we are, we will probably be denied the compassion we refuse to show others.

A marriage is made of many things and mistakes are part of it. And so is forgiveness. Maybe the reason why people don't seem to understand her choice is because of their inability to forgive. Or perhaps, it is because the quality of the love they are giving for true love has the power and capacity to overcome the most difficult hurdles relationships and marriages are tested through.

As I have reached the age where I am ready to settle down and getting comfortable with the idea of spending the rest of my life with somebody else, I can only salute the bravado of Georgette and the slap she put in the face of Becky with the good hair. I can only salute the attitude of Queen she had and the classy way she handled things and proved people wrong by not leaving. One thing I took away from all that is that true love is not dead and that as long as there is still a will to make things work and carry through, people's opinion doesn't matter.

Long live to the Eto'o couple and may the haters keep on hating!

Cheers!

The sixth sense

Myth or reality ? no one will ever be able to know if it is true or not even though some scientific facts claim that women are not that crazy.

It has been around forever and every woman has at least once in her life (if not everyday) creeped out her husband/boyfriend/kids or whoever tried to mess up with her. Women have been gifted with that ability to sense things miles away, waaaaaaaaaaay before men do and waaaaaaay before it is all rotten. We like to pretend that we don’t sometimes so that we can keep on leading our investigations or even until we have enough proofs to make a decision.

I like to think of intuition as God's power in us and for us to warn us from things we are not necessarily aware us or maybe as something more complex like a defense mechanism to protect us and protect our hearts from things that could possibly harm us physically as well as emotionally.

women foresee things before they happen because of that intuition, that thing to sense stuff our mothers used to talk about or that sixth sense as men like to call it. It is that intuition that tells us something is wrong when people are trying to hide things away from us. It is that same intuition that allows us to spot fake people thousand of miles away. And again, it is your intuition that tells you something is wrong or that your Relationship is about to fall apart when the way he looks at you, talks to you, holds you, is not the same anymore.

 

 

It is something innate, something women are wired with, a defense mechanism that is launched automatically when we are frighten by something; when there is an imminent danger we might not even be aware of. But most of the time, we just suppress it in part because we are scared what we suspect might be true. We suppress it because we are scared he might be cheating for real, or might be the end of a relationship which has been our all and everything for years. We deliberately shush our intuition and shut down that mechanism because maybe we are too scared to see the truth, to accept the facts, to walk away, to close a door, to leave behind something that seems to be so perfect but which is in fact just a mirage…

 

Or maybe we shush it because people just won’t stop calling us crazy or paranoid even though there is a huge chunk of truth in what we say hidden somewhere in the mind of the people calling us those names who has he talk are saying: “how the eff does she knows all that? I better be careful” we don’t know: we just feel it and that’s how we roll.

 

 

And then when the truth hits us in the face, we seem shocked, surprised, caught off guard wondering how we didn’t see things coming. But deep down, after countless nights pouring glasses of wine, eating boxes  and boxes of chocolates, using up the full stock of tissues we had while watching Bridget Jones, we realize that we had once been warned that it would all end up this way but we just chose to not listen and pretend we were just being “crazy”.

 

 

 

 

We spend a lot of time looking for answers we already have but are too afraid to accept. We live in a world full of misery, lies, cheaters and dishonest people; looks are deceiving and people’s words are not to be taken for an absolute truth. In such a world, the most powerful and pure tool a women can have to protect herself is her intuition for as Laurenn Martin said “it’s one of the few honest things in our lives.” So go ahead and tune in.

Aimer, le reste on s'en fout

Vivre sa vie au quotidien, chacun avec nos habitudes, nos passions, nos occupations et bien sur  nos préoccupations. Et puis un jour, croiser son regard. Echanger un sourire, un rire, un moment qu’on n’aurait jamais pensé vivre et dont on n’a pas le souvenir de l’avoir vécu.

 

Apprendre à connaitre la personne en face, à partager les sourires, les joies, les peines sur lesquelles jusque-là on n’avait jamais réussi à mettre des mots. Etre constamment entrain de penser à elle, réaliser que son entrée dans notre vie a  « foutu un beau bordel mais a apporté tellement de stabilité ». La côtoyer et se dire : « je lui ouvre les portes de mon cœur, soyons fou et misons tout ce qu’on a… après tout qu’est-ce que j’ai à perdre ? »

 

Faire le grand saut, dire cette phrase qu’on rêverait tous et toutes d’entendre. Cette phrase si courte mais qui veut dire tellement de choses. Cette phrase si douce a l’oreille et au cœur mais qu’on a tous peur de laisser échapper. Dire juste JE T’AIME pas qu’avec les mots mais aussi avec le cœur.

Décider de se lancer dans une relation, un partenariat pour le temps que durera le bonheur, une équipe gagnante pour le temps ou viendra le moment de l’épreuve. Avoir pour leitmotiv : « Never let someone behind » dans un tandem ou l’issue du combat dépend de la profondeur, de la sincérité et de la force de ce sentiment qui vous lie.

 

Faire de cette personne le centre de gravité de votre bonheur. Passer le cap ou même le son de sa voix vous accroche aux lèvres ce sourire béat, vous fait quitter la terre et planer sur un nuage.

Malgré le bonheur subsiste quelque part un doute, une incertitude, une multitude de questions. Se demander ce que serait votre vie sans elle ? Si demain tout s’arrêtait qu’est-ce vous deviendriez ? Est-ce que vous pourriez surmonter cette dure épreuve ? Vous en relever ? Chaque minute qui passe réaliser combien cette personne a de l'importance à vos yeux, un matin juste réaliser que ce n’est plus un locataire  dans votre cœur mais rien d’autre que le nouveau propriétaire que vous le vouliez ou non.

 

On ne choisit pas d’aimer, on ne choisit pas qui aimer mais « we can decide to make things happen ». L’amour c’est difficile, on prend des coups au cœur, on a les yeux rougis, on passe des nuits blanches à se poser des questions : pourquoi ? Comment ? Où ? Depuis quand ? Mais cela n’a pas d’importance si c’est pour passer chaque jour, heure, minute, seconde avec la personne qu’on aime et pour qui on pourrait tout donner.

 

L’amour est bien plus qu’un sentiment, qu’un état d’esprit c’est un équilibre qui est régit comme tout autre par les lois de la nature.

Peines, tristesses, colères, larmes, doutes mais comme toute médaille elle a un autre revers ou on peut lire : joie, rires, bonheur, paix intérieure, sourires, confiance and self-confidence.

Aimer c’est être malheureux pour être heureux, c’est comprendre que l’amour c’est difficile, c’est complique mais que dans le fond, on ne peut vire sans

Qu'on soit maso ou accro peut importe, On aime et le reste on s'en fout!

 

 

 

"J'ai découvert un bonheur tout simple, c'est juste qu'on aime être ensemble
On ne calcule pas les démons du passé, on n'a pas peur d'eux
Moi si un jour j'suis un couple, je voudrais être nous deux"- Grand Corps Malade