Your best is Enough

I started writing bits and pieces of that article a few weeks ago, but as I worked through it and around it, I didn’t really know where to go from the point I was at. So I left it alone and today, as I was sitting on the bed, thinking about this week and all that I had done, could have done, still had to do and probably won’t get to do, it dawned on me: the whole thing was being shaped right in front of me. This article had come full circle, had become a teachable moment and was ready to move from my mind - as unfinished and scattered thoughts- to this blog -as somewhat of a coherent story and (hopefully) encouraging hug doubled with a “I am so proud of you” whisper.

I moved from the bed to the floor as I am writing those words. This week has been a week. As I write those words, I am two days away from traveling for work, I am not packed, the house is a mess and somehow some things have fell into the cracks. Before moving from the bed to the floor, I caught myself in the teachable. I caught myself feeling overwhelmed at the thought of what was still left to do, and with that feeling my tears started to well up. But instead of whipping myself like I always do, I somehow got to a place of compassion. I somehow ended up telling myself “this week has been hard. And it is okay to cry because you have been through it. It happens sometimes when you are exhausted and through it and it is okay”. In that moment of not being able to do as much or move as fast I acknowledged that it was the best that I could do at that moment and it was okay. Lately I have been keen on evaluating what my best looks like from day to day, month to month, year to year; and lo and behold: my best is not a steady line. In fact if I had to make a graph of what my best looks like over these periods of time, I would probably use a scatter plot that will probably give me more information about where in the “doing my best” zone I tend to hoover most of the time.

As I think about my own very best, I also think about other people’s best. As someone who has long lived by the motto of “ I can do better”, I tend to sometimes approach my judgment of people’s best with the same measure. I used to think so easily that people can do better and that the bar cannot be that low until I read Brene’s Book Rising strong. There was that particularly interesting passage where she shared a story about a man that was being supported by donations from the church. And he would spend the donation on his addiction. And a couple got fed up as it seems there was no will from that man to do better. And someone ( I think Brene's Therapist) raised an interesting point: what if what that man was doing was the very best he could do?

See, we all have trauma, baggage, etc... The things we have been through in life have shaped our vision and experience of life (and other people); and, of course, we all go through life’s motions. Life is not always easy on us and there is always more we can do and we can always "do better" but as I am growing older, I am learning to recognize my limits and my limitations. I am learning about the ones that I can challenge and the ones that I have to work around. I am learning that some days, my best is getting up and going out in this world and manage to not fall apart/ break under the pressure of life. And some other times, my best is going out there, grabbing life by the ear and making it do as I say. But my absolute favorite is making hell nervous, as Sarah Jakes Robert so often says. But no matter where I stand on this vast spectrum, I am learning to understand that whatever my best looks like on any given day, it still has value, because it still took something out of me to be at the level my best is at.

So when you feel down this week, when you start beating yourself up about you doing more, just know that your best will not always be the same. And it is okay. It might not feel like much to the world (or perhaps to you) but I hope you remember that you are enough and your best is enough. I hope that if you ever feel disappointed about not being where you thought you would be, you would remember that I, a perfect stranger who shares the commonalities and disappointments of life and completely understands how bummy life can sometimes be, am proud of you and I’m rooting for you. 

That’s the message and I pray it keeps you going this week.

Help Is On The Way

"Feelings buried alive do not die: they fester and they show up as inappropriate behaviors"

I will never forget the day I heard those words from Iyanla vanzant. It was as if everything suddenly fell into place for me: as far as how I was living my own life, but also as far as how I had grown up and the things that I had witnessed. It wasn’t anything horrific; if anything at all, it was the usual and normal dysfunction that you would see in most families. It sounds like a paradox but if you have grown up in an environment where dysfunction was normalized from one generation to another, then you know it makes sense even when it doesn’t. Another day I will never forget, is also a day when everything went particularly wrong and in that moment I thought “Gosh, if I offed myself I would be SO Much better”. That particular day, at that very moment, I was sitting on the floor in my kitchen and stayed there for what felt like hours. It was as if I was there but my mind just blanked. And when I came back, I called my sister and talked to her because I was afraid I was going to do something. I was afraid I was going to hurt myself and the people that I loved in the process and cause irreparable damage. In the upcoming weeks, I started looking and asking for help. And that is how I got into therapy. The rest is history.

The most common misconception about suicide is that people crossing the line want to die and that it is the "easy way out". But the reality is that a lot of people can plan to kill themselves but only strong people actually do it. Another paradox. If you have ever almost drowned or found yourself in a situation where you almost died, you know how powerful your survival instincts can be. You know and have witnessed how your body can almost instantly turn into a machine and make you do things that, upon reflecting back, you think : “ I never thought I had so much strength” or “ I never thought I could one day in my life do this”. If you know how strong those survival instincts are, then you know how strong you have to be to override them and cross that final line when everything in you is fighting to stay alive. Suicide ideation is not always (or necessarily) “I want to die”; sometimes it is- I am speaking from my own perspective and experience- “I want to stop feeling that pain” and at the moment, death feels like the only, ultimate and most efficient way. I for sure thought that. And after years of being in therapy and surrounded by the most supportive and amazing people I could have asked for, I cannot lie to you and say that the idea of leaving on my own terms doesn't cross my mind anymore. It does once in a while... But when it does, I throw away the mantle of shame that kept me struggling for years and I reach out. I talk when I feel on the edge, when the pressure is too much and things are getting out of hand. But you shouldn’t have to wait that long. Nobody should have to. Why? Because by the time some of us get to that point it is too late and irreparable damage has already been done. I grew up in a culture where we did not normalize talking about those things. You know… Feelings? Mental health? Being depressed? Because more often than not, people struggling with mental health issues are met with shame and told that that’s just the way life is and you have to “toughen up”- whatever that means. Growing up in Africa and being black, I cannot tell you how many times I have heard people around me dub depression as “white people problem”. And if you hold that statement as a magnifying glass, you can see why the rate of suicide in the black community is growing at an alarming rate. You also can see why people of color struggle to seek help when things start unraveling. Not only is there a race stigma but also a propaganda along the lines of “therapy is for the weak” that is creating mass graves where more and more people, black and white, young and old, male and female are heading and being buried into. Literally and figuratively.

To be vulnerable and talk about your struggles is not being weak. To seek help and support is not being weak. It is the greatest act of courage you can ever model and demonstrate. An act of courage that can also save someone’s life because believe me, the biggest lie you can tell yourself is that nobody is watching. Someone is ALWAYS watching you and what you do and say can do or undo someone’s destiny, life and future. You deserve to be here. You matter. You are loved and you are seen. I cannot tell you what the other side feels like because everyday is a new day, a different day and just like any other journey, it has its ups and downs. But one thing that I can tell you for sure, is that it gets better. It takes time and work and accountability but it does get better. And you will get better but only if you stick around and show up everyday, will you be able to witness it, see it, live it like I did. And I pray you do. 

If you are looking for a sign to keep fighting, this is your sign right here. If you are feeling like giving up, I pray this article right here will be your life line. I want to leave you with this closing blessing that the Bishop of my Church speaks over the congregation every Sunday without fail. It has deeply blessed me and kept me in some of the hardest days that I have gone through and I have faith it will do that for you too. It is titled The Priestly Blessing over God's people (found in Numbers 6:24-26) and it goes like this: 

MAY the Lord bless you and protect you (look after you, shield you, defend you, and take care of you)

MAY the Lord make His face shine (grin, beam, and show His pleasure) on you and, may the Lord be gracious, kindhearted pleasant, and compassionate) to you.

MAY the Lord show you His favor that will (promote you, appreciate you, support you, and side with you as you side with Him) And Finally...

MAY the Lord give you HIS SHALOM: His peace, His rest, His harmony, His calmness, His composure, His prosperity, His success

And may the Lord remove anything that causes agitation or discord with His Divine Purpose and Destiny for Your Life. I bless you in the Name of Jesus Christ!

PS: There is a song too! Actually two versions of it that you can find here and here.

PSS: If you need prayer and support you can find it here and here.

Hang in there Beloved, Help is coming! Praying for you and over you because you matter and the world needs you, whether you believe it or not. 

Until next time, 

Life Sucks. And It's Okay.

A few months ago I got news. It was something that I partly expected and partly hoped would not come. Still it came. Coincidentally enough, that same day, I was scheduled to see my therapist. So when she asked "what's new?" I spilled the beans using all the vocabulary that I could find to express how I felt and "good" wasn't one of the words I would have used to described how I felt. After I was done talking, my therapist said “And yet, here you are, smiling, cracking jokes and saying ‘I will ride this one out and make it work’”. I had a weird sense of calm because I was expecting the storm will hit, but I was less certain about when. And I guess at that time, because the cat was finally out of the bag, I could finally stop holding my breath. I could start breathing again. 

I love how Iyanla Vanzant once said that sometimes our spirit catches things before we consciously (and physically) catch them. This was an instance where I did. And I had time to go through the emotional process, so when the tsunami hit, I had already come to terms with it. Or so I thought. One thing that I have noticed though going through this journey called life, is that it takes a minute for my emotions to catch up. So I eventually kept a tab open about how the calm that I was sitting in was possibly a precursor of an emotional tsunami that could hit at any given time. And it did. Much sooner than anticipated. This time however, instead of judging myself, I gave myself the greatest gift I could have, one that I so deeply needed; not only from myself but from the world: I gave myself kindness, compassion and understanding. I gave myself permission to be okay with the fact yes I had come to term with what was happening but “Boy does it suck!” to quote Brené. It did suck. And in the moment where I broke down in silent tears and sobs, all I could hear, while convincing myself that I knew the outcome and that things would turn out the way they did, was literally Brené Brown saying “you took a risk. You failed. And it sucks but you showed up”. Not very helpful but weirdly comforting as I am currently traveling through her book Rising Strong (I guess God already had everything lined up for me to have a lifeline because He knew how fast things were going to get real). Comforting because it gave me permission to sit in my feelings instead of going with the story line that I had already mentally rehearsed in order to override them and go to the next things. I gave myself permission to stop minimizing my situation by way of derision or fake (or real) optimism. I gave myself permission to stop trying to climb out of the hole I was in so fast. I simply gave myself permission to say “it sucks” while siting in the emotional hole and really feel that pain without heat, without judgement. I gave myself permission to be vulnerable with myself and to be human. And it sounds so silly to write but there have been plenty of time where I denied myself the opportunity to be vulnerable with myself, not to mention with the rest of the world. I simply couldn’t because of (again) the stories that I kept telling myself: “I do not have time to feel this” and “If I give into this emotionally, I am not sure I will come out the other way” But me being here is proof that I have come out the other side before and that I will again. And guess what? Things worked out in the end. 

As I got news today (not the kind I expected to hear), I figured this was the perfect post for the moment. Not only to encourage someone out there reading this post, but also to encourage myself. To remind myself that knowing that the outcome of a decision will be unfavorable, taking a risk, failing and being okay with it, doesn’t take away from the fact that it still sucks. It is okay to create space for feelings such as disappointment and sadness when things do not work out. Sitting with those feelings and processing them doesn't make us weak but instead work our resiliency muscle and give us a pathway to come out the other side when we go through the storm again. Failure -whether we expect it or not- sucks. And there is no part about admitting it that is weak. But to know, to admit it and to feel it and to try again, is the biggest proof of how strong we can possibly be in the face of trials and adversity. Failure is not the end and a delay is not a denial. In due time, things will happen the way they are supposed to and the tides will turn, so be encouraged.

Until next time, 

God Cares

For years, I have been stuck in a mental stronghold and it is that “nobody cares”. Funny how said like that it sounds much more sinister than the “nobody cares: work harder” picture frame that was on the wall of my former Jiujitsu school. One pushed you to go beyond your fear of ridicule in order to improve and the other did the opposite: keep you from the perceived ridicule of that comes with vulnerability. I lived life caring too much for what people would think and say about me and my life while at the same time harboring the belief that whether things were good or bad nobody cared. It is a belief that has led me to live a life of isolation even when I was (and still am) surrounded by loving people who genuinely wanted to walk life with me.

And I will not lie, it is a heavy burden to carry. One that, albeit I could decide any day to drop, but if you have ever tried to drop a bad habit and form a new one, you know how difficult it can be. And not too long ago, this weight got heavy. So heavy that it seemed to crush every good thing in me. So heavy that it was breaking my heart a little bit. One Saturday morning, I got into my car, going about my business and I remember praying to God and being honest about how I felt not very loved and appreciated and asking Him for a God Wink. I asked Him to show up and to remind me that I’m loved. And then I went about my business. The next day was a regular church day. So I got up and got ready and made my way to church. I get there and the Bishop mentioned that the florist he and his wife always go to wanted to do something special for the church: every women that attended service would receive a rose a the end of it. To some people it might seem like nothing but to me, it was an answered prayer. God knew. He was there. He orchestrated that surprise that specific Sunday after praying the prayer I prayed the day before to let me know that He heard me and that He cared. And that I was loved, cherished, and appreciated. I don’t believe in luck: I believe in divine timing/ appointments, and I know that God had planned for this so that I would be encouraged.

There was a side of me that didn’t want to include my feelings into my prayer. It is the part of me that has gotten very good at pretending all is well when all hell is breaking lose. The part of me that smiles at the world while crying myself to sleep in the intimacy of my darkest hours. But I went against everything that I know how to do so well because “nobody cares” and spoke to God because truly, if I can’t be honest with Him then who? And I am glad I did because if I hadn’t a) I wouldn’t gotten what I needed in that moment and b) I would have carried that burden for a while until it crushed me or until I projected my feelings/frustration onto somebody else and crushed them with some things that I absolutely nothing to do with them.

There are a few passages from the Bible that I want to leave you with that I hope will encourage you and fill you up when you feel like your cup is either running low or empty When you feel like the world around you does not care at all about what you feel, remember that God does and 1 Peter 5:7 says so : “Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you”. If you feel like you are not seen or heard and that you have no worth, hold on to Matthew 10:29-31 “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows”. More importantly, know that God you were worth a life according to John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

When you feel like being quiet about what you desire and need because you feel like you will never have “it” or that “it” seems impossible, remember Mathew 7: 11 “ If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” and James 4:2 “You do not have because you do not ask God.” But most importantly, remember that your father in Heaven can do 

 

Whether you believe (or think) the world around you does not care about you: know that your Father in Heaven does and His Word is a testament of it. All you have to do is draw near and know that you are seen, heard and “loved with an everlasting love” Jere (31:3)

Until next time,