Thank God For True Friends

Another week, another article right on time for thanksgiving. Usually I would have been racking my mind, wondering about what topic I would talk about but the fuckery I went through this past week (and I am still going through) made my topic of the day a no brainer. I am typing this, waiting for to board my flight and I realize that besides being alive and the many blessings God has poured into my life, I have never been as grateful for friends and family as I am today. I have been blessed to meet a lot of people in my life: some of them are still in the picture, some are gone but I but I can take pride in the solid squad I have been a member of and I am forever grateful for it.

As I was watching Sex and the city few days ago it has struck me how important having friends to support you is important. A soulmate is great but only your friends can see passed the hype of being in a relationship and help you stay grounded. True friends won’t judge you for being you. They will understand why you act a certain way or why you say certain words. They will know what sets you off and if they ever hurt you they will apologize sincerely because your relationship is more important than any disagreement you may have. True friends will know when things are not okay despite without even mentioning it. They will notice that little crack in your voice when you say hello, they will notice how your hug is tighter than usual. They will know by looking into your eyes because your eyes are the mirror of your soul and because they know your soul, they will see the broken pieces floating.

They will be there to hold you when you fall apart and they will help you pick up the pieces. They will wipe your tears, pour you a drink (if they must) and tell you “you will be okay” while stroking your hair, feed you when you refuse to eat because your heartbreak is unbearable and you can’t just find the strength to keep going and just want to starve yourself to death… But most importantly they will be there to pray for you. And it might have seemed trivial years ago but getting older, I realized how important it is, especially in times where you are so heart and soul broken than you can’t even say a word. You just need that one person who is going to hold your hand and pray for you, asking God to fill you with his love and make you whole again.
and if they ever are to meet with somebody who hurt you so bad or did you wrong, they will make sure they curse that person if they ever run into them in the street because they love you and because perhaps they know the exact words you wanted to say but never did because you were too hurt to say.

A true friend will also be there in the good time because “ a friend loves at all times”. They will be there to share your happy moments, your accomplishments. And if they cannot be there, there is a good chance that they have helped you along the way whether it was by keeping you accountable and helping you focus on your objectives or by believing in your even in times where you didn’t. or even by sending you that “break a leg” text before that interview for that job you were so stressed about and ended getting.

Because friendship is not about the big things, but rather about consistency in the small one.

To the ones who stood by me and helped me get back on my feet when I couldn’t do it on my own. Thank you! I am grateful for every single one of you and I pray that God bless you beyond what your mind can conceive.

Much love and happy thanksgiving!

Breaking Unhealthy Emotional Patterns (part 1)

Iyanla vanzant once said : “Feelings buried alive don’t die. They fester and they show up as inappropriate behaviors” and it is not until this year that have I truly understood the meaning of this statement. Although it is true and applies to almost everybody, it has granted black women the label of “Angry black women”

To speak from my own experience, I was not always genuinely angry. I was more withdrawn but always felt like I had to defend myself aggressively, especially when I had to answer questions that had to do with my feelings and my personal life. It is not until recently that I started to pin point triggers that made me feel the way I was feeling. Sometimes people do you wrong, but most of the time the response the incident elicits finds its roots deeper. It finds its roots in unresolved issues, past wounds and feelings that were shoved under the rug in hope that they will go away. But because the brain is wired in such a way that even if your active memory does not remember certain events your unconscious does; and whenever a situation arise that is similar to something you have been through in the past, you will still experience the same feelings and the same emotions.

We are all the results of the choices we make and the way we chose to deal with certain unfortunate situations can make or break us. The approach that I picked, gave me the strength to power through some of the toughest situations I faced in life. Unfortunately, years after choosing to shut down my emotions as a defense mechanism, I still can’t turn off the survival mode that helped me stay alive and strong when time was tough. And the struggle is in no way less real now than when I was going through those tough moments. The struggle is real because the feelings are still alive and the PTSD associated with some of these past events eat me alive everyday. They hide behind every smile, behind every “ I am doing good” and behind every pain I feel in my body. I was so good at compartmentalizing and blocking my emotions that my mind got tired of fighting to let these toxic emotions out and it eventually gave up. But they came under other forms: They showed up as passive aggressive behavior, unusual quietness, irritability and withdrawal from any form of social interaction and sometimes depression. They also hijacked my body and my goodness! Never in a million years did I imagine how internalizing things and carrying such a huge emotional baggage could destroy me physically. It was the headaches, the panic attacks, the migraines, the heart arrhythmias, the high blood pressure, the constant muscle tightness, the chest pains, the insomnia, the weakened immune system, the constant round of antibiotics and the never ending anemia. Everyday there was something new, and my body as well as my health were falling apart in new, amazing way I couldn't even describe to the doctors who were as clueless as I was. But all those discomforts and symptoms I was experiencing was just my body screaming for help, begging me to let it out and let it go.

Women as well as men are taught to be strong and independent and because of this, we are afraid to open up about our struggles. We don’t want to be labeled as weak or be seen as vulnerable. Worst of all, we are afraid of being betrayed so we keep everything to ourselves, shove it under the rug or block those "negative" emotions in hope that whatever it is that is bothering us will go away. We hide behind our titles, material possessions to make up for what is broken inside. We spend time, efforts and money to fix the outside when it is our soul and/or heart that is/are broken. We seek all those distractions outside hoping those unwanted and bothersome feelings/emotions will magically disappear but the truth they won’t. In order for those things to go away there is a need to take a course of action and until this is done, the same patterns will be recreated over and over again. In the next article I will share the roadmap I use to deal with my emotions as an attempt to fully recover after years of killing myself softly and I am hoping it might help someone out there.  

Until then take care of yourself, focus on yourself, on your heart, on your soul. Stop reaching outside to fix what it broken inside because it is only by looking inward that you will be able to do it.

Much Love

*PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder