Authenticity: The Way Back To The True self & The Answer To The Riddle Of Love, Acceptance, and Belonging

About a month ago, the Bishop at my church touched briefly on the subject of identity during his sermon. He said that the enemy uses three ways to make us create a false sense of identity: what we do, what we have and what people say of us.

I couldn’t relate more to what he said because these three things have been the crux of my identity growing up, well into my late twenties and the identity crisis that ensued. I remember when my identity crisis started. I remember when God started taking those things away one by one. I remember when I lost my job, when I lost most of what I had and when all I thought I had going, what was left of my identity, was what people said of me. But I also remember how God pulled the rug from under me and how when all these things were gone, my sense of self came tumbling down. I remember how lost I was when I didn’t have any of these things. I felt like a stranger to myself. It was the end of who I thought I was and the beginning of the crusade to really find out who I truly I am. My identity crisis led me to the foot of the cross. 

See I grew up doing not being: that’s where I found my sense of self. And when I wasn’t doing, the only way of "being" that I knew of, what being everything to everyone else. Somehow I learned growing up that performing was the way to earn love, not being because who I was was not deserving of love or acceptance. So I stepped into people’s needs, performed and gave every last bit of myself in exchange for love, affection and acceptance. But what I realized is that the void and brokenness that I experienced inside didn’t shrink: it grew bigger. So did my insecurities. The imposter syndrome was always looming. I was constantly plagued with a sense of not belonging no matter where I was even when I did belong. When good things happened to me I didn’t feel deserving because I would think I didn’t do enough to deserve it. It showed in the opportunities I went for in life and even in the relationships I went into: my non-existent self esteem and life long identity crisis highly impacted every aspect of my life. I felt lonely and isolated even when surrounded, loved and cherished by people because deep down, I felt like nobody really knew me: people knew who I was when I was around them. This was a teachable moment about integrity. I had always thought of integrity as living a double life, especially as a Christian. I thought not living a life of integrity was pledging my allegiance to Christ while still dancing with the devil and flirting with sin. And although I did do those things (transparency moment), God also made me realize that integrity is just being one person and not morphing into a different person out of a need for approval, belonging or love. God made me realize that integrity is the consistency of the testimony of people about me. And I understand that different people have access to different layers of us depending of how close we are to them, but that is not what I am talking about here. What I am talking about is being a whole different person because I had learned that when you become what people want, then they give you love. 

Performance love and my identity crisis have taught me in  painful ways that a) some people sometimes disguise their abuse into “love” because they see your desperation for love, acceptance and belonging and b) when you perform, people fall in love with who you are to them and what you do instead of the real you. The collapsing of my false sense of identity has led me back to God. And He made me understand that the love that I performed my whole life for, was already given (john 3:16). I just didn’t believe that I was worthy of it so I settled for what I could control so that I could feel safe and worthy because it was all dependent on my doing. If what I said sounds wild and makes absolutely no sense, you are absolutely right to feel that way because as I write these words it makes absolutely zero sense to me too. 

But why am I writing these words, you might wonder? Well... I am writing these words because I recently got back into the flow of writing again and I got caught up with the need to perform for acceptance, validation and belonging. The insecurities really creeped up on me: I got stuck into a writing block because I thought that I had to impress people, forgetting that my self worth and sense of identity is no longer tied to anything but God’s love for me. And so after hours of torture, not being able to settle on what to post, I did what I know how to do best: share something personal and relatable that would encourage someone instead of fluff designed to impress.

Starting over is hard as it brings me back to the humble beginnings and the early hours of this blog. But I am making a conscious effort to remind myself that the reason why this blog was created in the first place is not to impress but to create a space where people feel encouraged, uplifted; a place where they can gather and let go of the judgments they have about themselves as they realize that there is someone (me) out there that shares their struggles. 

I am still very early in my authenticity journey: I am learning to sit comfortably with myself without any distraction and accept that it’s okay to not belong in every circle, crew, place and lives; and it’s okay that not everybody belongs in mine. I am learning to dig deeper and to pull myself out of the stuff that, at some point defined me but ended up burying the real me. I am on a mission to find out who I really am: outside of the titles, the stuff and the fluff as well as the things people say about me. Not that I have a bad testimony as a person but the criticism and "opinions" people have of me weight as equally (if not more!) in the balance than the good stuff. I am learning to have a solid experience and testimony of who I am within me, for me before I can go out to the world and live it everyday. I am unlearning a lot before I can learn how to be (God's way) and build a solid foundation for my identity. It is a lot of work on the daily basis and sometimes I feel like giving up but I am still showing up, day after day (discipline) and I know in the end it will be worth it.

Today's world and culture is teaching us that who we are is not enough. You do not have to take my word for it: you can scroll social media. We are taught to be like everyone else and where being authentic used to be something to be proud of, it is now the thing that makes us feel uncomfortable and the most isolated. If you are struggling and feel like you do not fit it, I want you to know that it is okay. I want you to know that God did not create you to fit in. if He did, He would have made the same copy of the first human being: we would all look the same, walk the same, talk the same and be the same. But He didn’t. Let it be your sign to live boldly in the truth of who you are and who He has called you to be.  He has purposed you for great things, and only your authentic self can carry the mission He has for you, connect with the people needed to carry that mission and walk into the places that He’s called you to walk into. So be encouraged and be empowered. Only you can be You, that is your superpower so don’t trade it for acceptance, love or belonging. The Love is given (Jere 31:3) and your tribe will find you. All you have to do is stay true to yourself. You got this.

Until next time,

Building Discipline: The Power Of Doing Small Things Consistently

I’ve always been a woman of intensity. It doesn’t really matter what it was that I had to get into: I always dived in head first, with a pow wow that would have you wonder if it was the real me or if I was on crack. Although over a short period, such as during a sprint, intensity can be a great thing, over a long period of time it is very hard to sustain. 

I remember for the longest time that I had always been passionate about things for a short time and then after months or years, I'd give up because I started with expectations that were not always realistic and an energy expenditure that could not be sustained over a long period of time. And so at the end of last year, I took time to reflect on what I wanted to achieve this year and realized that my approach of intensity vs consistency wasn’t really working as I leaned more towards the former than the latter. After some digging, journaling, thinking, praying and more journaling, I mapped out the areas that I wanted to grow in and one of them was being more disciplined. I did realized that the reason why I would fall off so easily when it came to the things I was passionate about, was that I lacked discipline. I was free floating and getting to things when I could or felt like it, instead of actually being intentional about creating a life that incorporated the things that allowed me to build a structured life. Although, creating a routine through discipline felt like a great idea and an accomplishment, I will not lie about the fact that I was afraid at the idea that once again, it would be another new years resolution that would end in a flop. To be honest, I had a love and hate relationship with discipline as I saw it as such a rigid way of living life instead of something that provided stability. And because the rigidity and coldness of discipline frightened me, I was afraid at the idea of disappointing myself once again because my track record in the past hadn’t been that great. I was so afraid that I even brought it up during a therapy session as building a routine was something that was part of my plan of care. After discussing my plan with my therapist and asking how I could possibly remain committed to my goals and be disciplined she said to me : "discipline is one of the hardest things to practice and even I struggle with it. There is no magical pill or easy way to do it. You will have to pray every day and ask God to help you and show up to do the work". And so I took her advice: I started with the plan that I had and I learned to go to God everyday to ask for the strength to be disciplined and the strength to show up. I dedicated the month of January to building a routine and I learned to show up everyday. One of the areas that I started practicing discipline in is exercising. I had a goal to exercise everyday, no matter how long. The goal was not the intensity but rather the discipline of showing up everyday (consistency). And so far, I am still at it and still on the journey to being more disciplined when it comes to exercising and my physical health.  Of course my journey during that month wasn’t perfect: there were trials and errors, moments of big victories with a great sense of accomplishment when I could follow my plan; and some moments of frustrations when I couldn’t get everything done. But through it all, I realized that there was power in small, daily baby steps. I realized that doing it all was about intensity when all I had to do was remove the "all" and just do, and as I would get in motion, I would find the right balance to perhaps make space later for the "all" or perhaps not. After all, I was notorious for having high expectations of myself so perhaps the "all" was too much and I needed to scale down and create a routine that I could carry consistently and turn into a lifestyle without feeling overwhelmed when I did it all or like a failure when I missed the mark. This intentionality about discipline has been an eye opener and a teaching moment, from showing up to exercise whether I felt like it or not, to being disciplined about my time, finances, thoughts and prayer life, passing by the discipline of resting. As we have transitioned into a new month, I did catch myself slacking and subconsciously going back to my old ways, as if practicing discipline was only a monthly challenge that I had taken on (intensity) vs a new way of living (consistency and intentionality). So these days, the discipline that I am focusing more on on top of a new way of doing life is having the right mindset.

I want to close with one last thing that I hope will encourage you: I recently watched an interview with the former FLOTUS Michelle Obama that gave me solace and encouraged me to do the small things until I could take it one step further. I do not exactly remember what she said word for word, but she said that great change happens in small bits and that if we want to go out and change the world, we have to start with the small things within our reach; and it is that cumulative effect that will lead to the big changes (in the world)  that we ache to make and see. In a world where praise and validation is mostly available for the big things that make it to the reels and the headlines of people’s social media, my hope is that you will recognize that it is a collection of small things that led to those big, life changing moments. My hope is that as you get better at putting the small building blocks together to create a solid foundation for your life and your dreams, you see the ripple effect of those small disciplines in your life and the world around you and realize that there is indeed power in small.

Until next time,

So You Think You Can Write?

New week, new day, new challenges to conquer and of course: a new post. If you are new here welcome and if you are one of the tribe, faithfully creeping on the blog every over week to read the new post that goes up: welcome back. The past few weeks have been very interesting and eventful hence, the lateness with which is post is going online. Taking a break from the emotionally and spiritually heavy stuff to talk about a passion of mine, the very one that led me to creating this blog in the first place: writing. Today, I want to share with you my experience and the tips that helped me when I wrote my first book this past November. Saying those words, reading them, thinking them still sounds/feels as weird as it did when I first finished writing that book and I am still getting used to it. 

Let me start by saying that I have always had a love for letters, ever since I was a kid. I had a passion for books and words which kind of explain why on so many occasions I was told that I talked too much (many years ago. This statement doesn’t apply anymore as I have learned to use my words sparingly and only when needed). I used to read a lot as a kid and actually started writing when I was thirteen. Nothing really serious: occasional stuff here and there, mostly poetry. And then I transitioned to writing fiction stories. Again, light stuff to keep creativity going and entertain my classmates during breaks and empty hours in middle school. Then life happened, shit hit the fan and I went from writing fiction to writing my heart and feelings away in a similar fashion than I do on this blog. Fast forward a few years later: I created this blog with the encouragements of my person (my sister💖) and a few of my close friends.

I know you are telling yourself “well this is all great and fluffy and cute but how did you actually come up with the idea of writing a book?” Well it didn't actually "just happen". I had been curating that project for years however, I couldn’t seem to find the time, motivation or even words to get started. But then something really magical happened last year: I found out about a movement called NANOWRIMO which stands for NAtional NOvel WRIting MOnth. Every year in November hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world take on the challenge to write a novel of at least fifty thousand words in thirty days. Sounds crazy? Well that’s because it is. The idea behind it is not to win or meet the fifty thousand words: the idea is for you to get started on that book you have always wanted to write and have a support group of struggling randos to do it with so that you don’t feel that desperate, lost and clueless. Sounds weird? It is. But take it from a participant: it is a fun as it is weird. Misery loves company. Writing a fifty thousand words novel is the only time were this say will not make you feel bad at all.
I jumped on the NANOWRIMO wagon last November and ended up writing my fifty thousand words the day before the challenge was supposed to end. I guess that qualify as being a winner but it’s beside the point (still worth mentioning though). So today I am sharing the tips that I found helpful in writing a fifty thousand words novel in thirty days. So without further due let’s get into in.

Tips #1: Have a plan 

Don’t just jump into nanowrimo thinking you’re going to wing it. You won’t. Unless you are some kind of writing guru/god/goddess or your creativity just flows non-stop in a way that can make a novel make sense. If yes, good for you! If you are not any of these just plan ahead. The week before the nanowrimo challenge is actually dedicated to brainstorming ideas and lining up your plot, your characters and the overall make up of your novel. Don’t squander that week: use it or you might end up regretting it later. 

Note: It is okay to have something lined up before the challenge starts and actually change your mind. It happens. It happened with me: I started off with a fiction novel with a solid plot, characters and a story already lined up. But my heart wanted something else: my heart wanted the book I was longing for for so many years. So two weeks into the nanowrimo challenge, I ditched my fiction novel and went for a memoir and I absolutely do not regret it. It is okay to change your mind and start over but if you do, just make sure which way you are heading. Everything doesn’t have to be planned down to the “t” but have a general sense of what you want your final product to look like and work from there. 

Tip #2: Do not panic 😱

I will finish you mere mortal *insert evil laugh*

Panic has a weird way of messing up with your creativity. I have been there: I know what it feels like when your brain start turning into mush because you think “fifty thousand words, thirty days… What on God green's earth was I thinking?!” If this is your first time, you will come to that realization a few days before of after the challenge and it will hit you like a brick on the head and, if you’re anything like me, you might have a panic attack and start hyperventilating and then everything you had planned will just go down the drain. Just breathe and know that you will be okay. It sounds overwhelming but it can be done with a little organization and a lot of motivation from your part. Leading me to my next tip. 

Tip #3: Plan for a set amount of time to write in the day ⌚

If you want to do this you need to have some kind of organizational skills going on here. Do not try winging this otherwise it will get ugly really fast. Have a set amount of time during which you plan on writing. Every day. It doesn’t have to be long but it has to exist. That is how you get it done and make sure that you write something during that time. A word. A phrase. A sentence. A paragraph. A page. Just write something. A little bit goes a long way. I have had times where I didn’t feel like writing a word and next thing I knew, I was down on my third page with two more pages to go and I had to just shut everything off and go to bed because I had to be up the next morning going to work. Now I know it sounds difficult sometimes to do that. I know it very well because when I was writing that memoir, I was involved in the organization of a wedding, it was busy season at work and on top of that my work hours require me to be up at 4 am in order to be on time because my commute is two hours long each way. So really the last thing you want to do it is write when you are exhausted and all you want to do is sleep. But I did find a way to squeeze into my day a quiet time to put in my daily words. 

Note: Life happens. Things don’t always go according to plan. Be flexible. If you missed a day it’s okay: just jump back on the wagon and pick up where you left at. Make up for that time that you missed and perhaps, pick up the pace to meet your missed day goal as well as the goal for the day you get back on track 

Tip #4: Write everywhere, whenever you can 🌏

On top of the set writing time that I had, I was writing everywhere, whenever I had a chance. If you are a fan of having a physical notebook, invest in a good one and whenever you get an idea write it down. If you don’t have your notebook or if you find that notebooks are not practical, you can do what I did: write notes on your phones and at the end of the day (or when you are ready to write) send them to yourself by email. That is how I did it. I wrote everywhere: on the train, during lunch break, on the bus, in an Uber ,etc… As soon as I had a moment + an idea I got into the zone and wrote it so that I did not forget them. 

Tip #5: Just write ✍

The fifty thousand words novel that you write during the nanowrimo challenge is meant to be your rough draft. Not the final one. It will be the foundation you will build on to get that polished, glorious book of yours that you will parade around. So of course it will be just that: rough. Don’t be too concerned or obsessed with the fact that you have way too many typos or that your story doesn’t make sense. You will have an opportunity to refine your work during the “What now?” months (January and February I think) but during the nanowrimo your only goal should be to write as much as you can. Resist the urge to go back and edit. I know I had to fight that urge every single minute. And I did not work on my chapters in a particular order. And to be honest, to this day (five months later), the order of my chapters is still changing. I have added some things and taken some things away because I am that much of a perfectionist and some little things bug me that much. Point is: just put those words in and you will worry about everything else later. 

Tip #6: Writer’s block happens: Push through it.

I have been blogging for six years and writing for fourteen so I am very familiar with writer's blocks. It doesn’t freak me out as much as it used to (still does though… a little bit). It won’t always be nice and easy to write and inspiration won’t always flow easily. Sometimes you will feel stuck and frustrated but when you do, you don’t get stuck there: you have to push through it. Remember tip #5? That’s when you’ll need it the most. Write something. The more you will dig and write those words, the higher your chances at finding gold will be. And perhaps the words/ ideas you will get from pushing through your writer’s block will be better than the ones you thought were great. It has happened before so don’t let a writer’s block stop you and keep you from greatness: believe in yourself and believe that you can get past it. And you will. 

Tip #7: Take a break 👯: Eat a kitkat (or not) 

You do not have to eat a kit-kat but you will definitely need a break and snacks. Now... Your amount of sleep might be limited if like me you are caught in ten thousands different things. But you absolutely need a break when writing. A break is to your brain what rebooting is to your computer: you need a break to refresh your mind, give your eyes a break and avoid that hand cramp (if you actually like writing with a pen on paper or a typing machine. I'd love me one of those...). It might seem like a waste of time but it will actually make you more efficient and motivated (sometimes). Take a break. Do something else. Get your mind totally off that novel for a few minutes (or hours) and come back with new ideas and a new perspective. Just DON"T PROCRASTINATE and you'll end up on the dark playground. You don't want to be there. It's not worth it. I know because I play there EVERY SINGLE DAY to my dismay. It's fun for a minute then it turns dark: just like the name indicates. Don't do it. 

Tip #8: Write with people (if you can) 

Get together with other struggling writers and watch your confidence level go sky high. Sounds bad but it's comforting. And I am very sorry if anybody is reading this thinking "what a jerk". I am truly sorry but desperate situations call for desperate measures. Not only will your confidence level go up but you will be able to motivate each other and actually putting your brains together might bring about new ideas for your book. When I was doing the NANOWRIMO challenge, I attended write-ins with other people. We were provided with free snacks (wait… whet? 👀) and on top of that you get to meet great people and hear all about what they are writing about (some stories were really interesting) So I highly recommend that you attend a write-in if you can. If you can’t NANOWRIMO has forums gathering the people writing the same genre you are writing. So it is also definitely a place to go if you need a pick me up. 

Tip #9: Don’t be intimidated 

This is your journey. You are the only one who gets to set the pace. Some people are natural at writing, for some others it’s a struggle. Some people are neat and organized and some others are a total mess but there’s a method to the madness. Whichever category you find yourself in, do not be intimidated. Do your own thing and stay in your line. And last but not the least...

Tip# 10: Have fun 😎

Oh em gee! Just have fun with it. When you get all wrapped up and caught up in the idea that you need to win, that’s the time where you need to back up, take a breather and remind yourself that there is nothing here to "win" (except a certificate) Well technically you get a chance to get your book published later on (if you want) but that’s not the point of it. The point is to write and get your creativity on and have fun doing it. My memoir wasn’t always fun to write because it was emotionally supercharged and some days it fell like I was reopening old wounds to pour out some wisdom and share my life experience. But nonetheless I had fun with the whole process. It was madness from day one to the end but it was so much fun and if you don’t even meet the fifty thousand words mark and get to “win”, you should at least be able to look back with fondness and say : “I had so much fun and I would do it again” 

A little bit of a lengthy article but this is in a nutshell my experience and my tips for anybody willing to participate into a NANOWRIMO event or even write a book. Some people I know have mentioned that they would love to read the book but I am still in the editing stages. I poured so much of myself, my story , my heart and my emotions into it that reading and editing that book feels like reliving some of the things I talked about. So I am taking my time to not be too overwhelmed but also to pull back when I need to in order to override my brain and remind it that I do not dwell in those emotional places anymore because some days, those emotions feel very real. I am anticipating doing another NANOWRIMO this year and I am hoping it will be easier this year but you never know. The same things can sometimes come with different levels of challenges. So we will see. If it is something you would be interest in doing leave a comment or reach out by email and I would be happy to connect with you. 

If you have made it to the end: congratulations and thank you for taking your precious time to read through this article. Whoever you are reading this, you motivate me to want to write and get better at my craft. So thank you. 

Until next time, 

The Happiness Fairy 👸

P.S: Want to know more about the NANOWRIMO movement? Click here. Happy browsing 😊