From Charcoal To Diamond: A pledge To Lift "The Curse"

A few days ago I was about to turn off the TV when I stumbled upon a documentary that would forever bug the shit out of my mind. It has and it still does no matter how many time I tried to shake it off and move on. This documentary was about Kalief Browder, a young man who was put in prison for a crime he didn't commit for 3 years without any trial. The most shocking thing about the story for me wasn't necessarily that he was put in jail for allegedly stealing a back pack (3 years for a back pack... I know...) but rather, the fact that he spent most of these 3 years in solitary confinement. As I was watching the story, I felt my heart sink a little bit more every minute passing and by the time I was done, I was laying down in bed with the lights off but incapable to fall asleep. I was exhausted but I couldn't shut my eyes because all I could see was this young man's face and all I could think about was how he got robbed of his happiness, life and future for something he did not do. I couldn't fall asleep because something in me was broken: the silly idea that we all had a chance to make it in life. I was in my bed thinking: "why being black has to be such a bad thing? Why does it have to be a burden that weights down on you wherever you are in life? Why does it have to equate a life where you go from trial to trial, always trying to prove yourself, work 100x more than anybody else just because your skin produces more melanin than others?" I was racking my mind for answers that I could not find for my own sake.

Don't get me wrong, I am not ashamed of my skin color, I am just baffled and heartbroken when I look around me and all I tend to think about is how being black appears to be a curse or rather a death sentence some of us will never have the chance to escape. But there was more to it than those thoughts. There was something really bothersome about that story that I couldn't pinpoint. I don't know if what bothered me was the fact that this young man was left to rot in jail for something that he didn't do or the fact that he hang himself because he couldn't carry on with the emotional / psychological damages he suffered (and that were beyond repair) while I was graduating from college. Perhaps it was the idea that I was looking forward to a future that someone who was only 2 years younger than me was also contemplating but never got a chance to live because his future, aspirations, potential and hope were silently chocked away in between 4 walls, 23hrs/day for 3 years. Chocked to the point where once he got out, he couldn't stop drowning in the stormy sea formed by his repressed tears and emotions. Or perhaps it was the idea that if it happened to him, it could happen to anybody who belongs to the black community. I could happen to me ...  For the sake of me, I couldn't pick one thing to be bothered with because to me, the toxic and explosive mix all these thoughts/ feelings brought, was heartbreaking, sickening, and gut wrenching.

                As bothersome as this internal monologue and back and forth between emotions and reason was, it led me to an important realization. It made me realize that I was part of the few who were graced with countless opportunities to swim countercurrent and make something out of life. I realized that I was one of the few people upcoming generations could look up to as an example and inspiration to change and reshape the world; an exception to the  false belief that black people are lazy, incapables, ignorant, criminals and doomed to do nothing with their lives. Most importantly, I realized that all I have been blessed with was not to take for granted and that I had a duty to represent my community in the highest and most dignified way in a fight where statistics had already sealed our fate. A fight to be the best, to break the stereotypes and lift the "black" curse one student/ youngster at a time until we can finally shine and be recognized for our accomplishments rather than the labels we are wrongly associated with. So I won't plead guilty to being black and silently accept a sentence that will dim my shine and force me to shrink . But instead, I will expand and let my light shine: I will pledge allegiance to hope and a bright future, to an opportunity to make a change and give us a chance.

Until then,
xo

You Are Right Where You Are Supposed To Be

As humans we have in ourselves aspirations, ambitions and a desire to go further than we already are. Sometimes for the good reasons: to be the first one in our family to go to college, to turn our dreams into reality, to “make it out of the hood” and give young generations hope and strength to make it too. Sometimes it is for the wrong reasons: to be seen for the bling and the money, for privileges, power or fame, or sometimes because we are lusting after what other people have because as humans, we always think that the grass is always greener on the other side. Whatever our reasons are, most of the time as we chase after those things we want, we forget to stop for a minute. To thank God for what we have, to pause and realize how blessed we are even though we are not where we want to be yet. To be content as we remember the times we prayed for the things we have now, while still praying for those we are still chasing after.
Journeying through life, I have learned a lot. I am not the epitome of wisdom but I have learned two or three things that younger me couldn’t have grasped back then. I have learned to pace myself, to enjoy the journey and not rush to the destination because the knowledge/ skills acquired though the journey is what will allow us to be successful in life. I have learned that we all have our own timing for things to happen in our lives, whether good or bad. It is easy to look at where other people are in life and want to rush to get there. We envy them without really knowing what they have been through in life, what their story looked like before you met them and how it was written. The truth is we all have different stories and different paths to walk and perhaps if we weren’t so caught up trying to live other people’s live, we would have the chance to explore avenues that led us to better horizons. Horizons better than what we would have ever imagined. I have also learned that some chapter in life won’t have a name until later in life. Why? Because some things don’t make sense until later in life, when we actually get to use the skills we acquired from being through tough situations in life; when we go through the storm and make it to the sunny side, only to look behind and see someone going through what we went through and realize we are for that person the help we never got. I got to understand that sometimes we go through life’s motion without any clue, only to figure out later that everything that happens was for a purpose.
So matter where you stand in life at the moment, take a deep breath, be still for a minute and be grateful. Understand that you are right where you are supposed to be: who you where, the tools you had got you to where you stand in life right now and everything (good and bad) that you went through serves a purpose. You might not understand now but one day it will all make sense.

Until then,

xo

Loving From The Inside Out: Love Yourself First ❤

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
– Lucille Ball

We spent so much time investing in people and nurturing relationships, forgetting that the relationship we have with our own self sets the tone for all the relationship we will ever have.

We walk around encouraging people, smiling at them, pouring all those wonderful things into them and their life but how much time do we take to do it for ourselves? How much time do we allow ourselves to spend filling our own tank? We run around filling other people’s cup and then get dumbfounded when we finally crash and come to the realization that we have poured so much in others but so little in ourselves.

When was the last time you felt proud of yourself? when was the last time you looked at yourself in a mirror and told yourself: “I love you” or “I am proud of you”? When was the last time you checked in with your feelings? When was the last time you stood up for yourself? when was the last time you complimented yourself? did something nice for yourself? when was the last time you allowed yourself to let it go, sit in the heartbreak of all the situations that brought you sorrows, allowed them to be what they are without judging yourself? when was the last time you allowed yourself to cry? To be angry? To be sad? To be happy? When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel without judging yourself or your emotions?

See we walk around looking like superheroes and fooling the world into thinking that we are superheroes but we are not. We are human and if there is anything coming close to having a superpower it is our mastered ability to build façades to conceal our flaws and not allow ourselves to be who we truly are, express how we truly feel and be okay with it.

To be able to love someone truly you need to love yourself first. Yes, you can love others without loving yourself but you will eventually be running on an empty tank. Why? because by not loving yourself you will not be able to receive love from an external source. And if you do it will go right out because you haven’t developed a relationship with yourself that allows you to hold on to the good that is being poured in you.

So, before you look up to someone to fill the void, to love you, to encourage you, to be proud of you, to treat you well, do it for you. treat yourself the way you want people to treat you, be good to yourself. be gentle with yourself, be kind with yourself and the people who reflect those things you do for yourself will come into your life and pour greatness, love and all those great things you do for yourself ten folds and perhaps more.

-Excerpt from a memoir I will never write #3

In The Midst Of The Storm

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~  Haruki Murakami

The situations in life that we benefit the most from are the one that push us out of our comfort zone. The ones that make us fall on our faces, broken but still breathing and trying our best to stay alive; the ones that make us stay up at night hoping praying to fall asleep and not wake up, yet make us hope for a better day with the sun rising. we have all been there, we have all at some point reached rock bottom. Falling apart and crumbling under life’s punches, knocked out but never knocked off, falling face first and yet, finding a way to get back up and keep going.

We have all been through that one big storm. The one that took away everything we relied on in life, and left us with nothing but the naked truth of what we are, of who we truly are. That storm that brings out everything we buried deep inside and prayed to never see, all those feelings we buried alive hoping that one day they will just go away. But you know what they say about feelings buried alive: they seep and then come back around as inappropriate behaviors... So when the storm finally hits, we try our best to go through it by putting one foot in front of the other, praying for God’s grace and strength everyday. We do so by trying as much as it depends on us to keep our heads high during the day no matter how hard it is and our knees on the ground during the night seeking God’s direction and reassurance because that storm is shaking and tearing everything apart in our life from the ground up, making everything fall apart in the most brutal and unexpected way.

However, if we take time to be silent in the midst of the storm; if we take time to truly be with ourselves and sit in the heart of the storm and sit in the heartbreak it brings along, if we reach that place where we can quiet our mind in order to ask ourselves the right questions, we might understand the purpose of the storm. We have a habit of seeing the evil in everything but only when we learn to look at life and its most unfortunate situations with a grateful heart, we can find the meaning into and the purpose behind every situation life throws at us, even the most violent storms. Sometimes it is to reveal another layer of ourselves we had no idea existed. Sometimes it is to remove everything so that we can have the opportunity to restart on a clean slate. And sometimes the things we believe are falling apart are actually falling into place and even when we think everything is crumbling, perhaps they truly are. Perhaps they have to crumble for us to build better foundations for our lives and for us to be able to put the pieces that are crumbling back together the way they were meant to be, the way we intended them to be or perhaps the way God intended them to be.

There isn’t necessarily something good about a stormy life but by training our mind to look for it we always end up finding something to be grateful for. And if after searching in your mind and your heart you can’t find anything, just remember that the good thing about hitting rock bottom in life is that there is only one direction you can go and it’s up. And this doesn’t give you hope, I don’t know what else will.

-Excerpt from a memoir I will never Write #4

The Reality Of Love

"People will do anything to have you until they realize they cannot handle the reality of you"

Most of the time we walk into relationships with that idea of perfection about the person we are about to enter that adventure with. We walk in with that idealization of the relationship looking at it through rose tinted glasses. But this is not what love is. Love is not all figured out. Love can be messy and complicated sometimes. But it all comes down to taking a pledge to work it out and stick together through thick and thin.

Love is understanding that sometimes we fight but it doesn’t mean the love is gone. Because the truth is the minute one party doesn’t bother enough to engage in the resolution of a conflict, it means that there is nothing worth fighting for anymore. To love means stop hiding behind excuses and own up your mistakes, apologize when you mess up and make an efforts to make things better. Love is stop judging each other for failing to be who we want each other to be, for what we want the relationship to be and embrace the reality of the now whether it is the relationship or the people we are at each stage of the relationship.

Love is being there for each other, deciding to grow together but still having enough space to be able to nurture our dreams, passions and go after them. It is encouraging each other and bring out the best. It is also making concessions sometimes. It is putting the other person first sometimes because when you love, you have the other person’s interests at heart. Love is being accountable for the other person’s heart while still understanding that you are not responsible for their emotions and their feelings.

Love is everything but easy. It is multifaceted and there is no contradiction. It is just what it is and you just have to embrace it as it is, even though it never makes sense. It never has and never will because it not meant to make sense and because the matters of the heart never make sense. Love can be a mess. And I would go as far as to quote Rainbow Rowell and say that “Love is like art, it is not supposed to look nice and beautiful, it is supposed to make you feel something.”

Love is beautiful and yet, it can be messy and complicated sometimes. There is no contradiction : it is just multifaceted.

-Excerpt from a memoir I will never write #2