Perfection is overrated: Be real



*Staring at my screen for almost an hour, trying to stay collected and figure out where to start with my article when really I am in panic in my head*

Crafting an opening act for an article is probably one of the most daunting task I have ever had to do as a blogger. No really… It is not as daunting as sitting in front of your computer for an hour, the eve of the day you are supposed to post something, asking yourself (in the middle of a panic attack) what you are going to write about... but it still is daunting. It is because you have to make the opening act appealing so that people want to keep reading and are thirsty for more. And sometimes what you sell in the opening act is great! And the content is great! And people are happy because they think “whoa that was great from the beginning to the end” but sometimes the opening act is just floppy (like right now… yeah…) but the content is deep and leaves you speechless and occasionally barely able to say “WOW… mind blowing… It started off really wacky but I am glad I kept reading”.

 

It is so funny how as I am writing my ideas and words are just finding each other and coming together as a whole to underline the myth of being perfect in an imperfect world. We have so much pressure to be perfect that we end up being something we are not, we end up writing stories about us and our lives that are not true just because we want to give an illusion of perfection that will make people stick around and say “whoa that was great from the beginning to the end”. But the reality is other: we are not perfect. For one reason or for another, we tend to get away from the first drafts of what we used to be. I can agree that the younger version of me was quite a bit of headache for myself at time and for the people around me, and I am more than happy with the individual I have become today. But somewhere in the middle of all that transition phase, I got stuck in the skin of someone I guess I wanted to be just because it made people happy. Or maybe because I thought it would help me fit in… where? I didn’t know I just kind of let myself get molded unconsciously. I was aiming for an ideal that didn’t exist, I was aiming for perfection.

And somewhere along the way I lost sight of everything: what I wanted, why I was going through that change… It was all blurry and I couldn’t help but feel as if something was missing. I was stuck in a life or rather a role that I wasn’t meant to be in and I remember thinking clearly “ I didn’t sign for this”. And truly, most of us did not intentionally, but we got trapped in all that. anyway  I felt like a prisoner until  I came to the realization that nobody is perfect. A least I am not. I mess up, I get hurt, I have highs and I have lows. Sometimes I have money, sometimes I'm broke. I have some areas of expertise and sometimes I am just totally clueless about other stuff. Sometimes I am able to find my way through life and sometimes I can’t seem to have the simplest things in life figured out. Having flaws and being imperfect is human nature and as human, being perfect is something that is out of reach. So why pretend? Why pretend we are perfect, trying to appear like we are all shinny while the light in our soul is getting dimmer day after day from all the efforts we put into conceal our flaws? You would tell me because flaws are unattractive? Well let me remind you that even diamonds have flaws and I would rather be a diamond with flaws than a pebble without.

I am perfectly imperfect, beautifully flawed and I owned it. In an ugly and twisted world such as the one we leave in, where everybody is trying to be all shinny and perfect (replace perfect in the sentence by fake), we should learn to appreciate the beauty in people owning their flaws and staying true to themselves. There is nothing wrong with having flaws and there is certainly nothing wrong with who you are to quote the British singer Jessy J. It is the world  we live in that is wrong: wrong for pressuring us to be people we are not and for trying to pass being human and having flaws for something wrong when it is perfectly normal as part of human nature.

 There is no use in “being perfect” from the outside and having an ugly heart and soul. Perfection is overrated especially if you are trying to be perfect in order to please other people. The people who truly love you will love you for who you are. They will love you as a whole and this means with your flaws too. They will love you at your best and at your worst. They will love you for you, for being real and for saying what you think. If you ever find yourself wondering if you should be true to the people you are surrounded with maybe it’s time you start rethinking your friendships because either you are being fake or the people surrounding you are being fake. And being fake and/or a person you are not in order to have the feeling that you belong to a community/ circle is the most certain way to be unhappy and miserable. Don’t let people or your environment change you: be true to yourself. Don’t get caught up leaving the real you on the shelf just because you want to fit in or fit the mold. Surround yourself with people who love your imperfect and beautiful self and respect your commitment to the truth because at the end of the day the people who mind don’t matter and the ones who matter don’t mind. 

10 things you can do to be happier in 2016

So this is it! It’s a new year… I know you are all excited and happy about all the things you are dreaming about accomplishing this year but please spare us with the "new year ,new me" thing: There! I said it *cringe*

I know it sounds mean but it is such a cliché! And plus we all know that by January 15^th that slogan along with the big resolutions you were planning on crushing will be down the sink. So why hate and get angry? Unless you are really determined to make it happen in which case : My bad I’m sorry… but still spare us with the slogan. Just make stuff happen and blow people’s mind off. I can guarantee you that there is no better feeling than seeing the face they make when you do incredible things especially when they were not aware you were working on some kind of project

So for this first article of a brand new year, let’s not talk about resolutions (to be honest I don’t have any so that’s why I won’t talk about them), let’s NOT talk about the new you or the new me or anybody/anything new. Let’s do something better: let’s go through the list of things you can do to be a happier person in 2016… wait… does that count as a resolution? Don’t even answer that I don’t want to know… let’s get right into it

1- Smile a lot

I know… I know… it will seems like you are flirting with everybody especially that cute barista at the Starbucks where you regularly get your coffee (hello! Coffee date… Make sure you wink when you say thank you). But the thing is it's scientifically proved that when you smile or laugh, your brain releases hormones that makes you happy and improve your mood. So next time you are tempted to frown or beat yourself up because things are no going the way you want, just smile and let the chemistry of your brain do the magic

2- Do more of what makes you happy

It is the same principle as the smiling trick: doing what you makes you happy releases endorphins which is the feeling good hormone. So whenever you are not feeling good, disconnect from whatever is happening around you and do what makes you happy.

3- Surround yourself with people that make you happy

My parents used to tell me to watch out who I was hanging out with because eventually the behavior and habits of those people will rub off on me. This concept is also applicable to energy: energy rubs off. If somebody is in a bad place emotionally, that person is emitting bad vibes and if you are not able to reverse that energy using your own it will rub off on you. If you are around people who are constantly happy and lift you up, you will benefit from the good vibes they are emitting because yes, happiness is contagious.

4- Go on an adventure

I know that one seems "expensive" and that "you don’t think you can afford it" but it doesn’t have to be now. You can work on it over a period of time and make it happen. It doesn’t have to be overseas: it could be going to another state or to a city you have always wanted to go to. The point is breaking off the routine and taking a breathe of fresh air will do you a lot of good and improve your mood.

5- Take care of yourself.

Now WE women KNOW (emphasis on KNOW) how good it can feel when we just disconnect and just pamper ourselves. Taking care of yourself could be booking an appointment at a spa and pamper yourself. It could be getting your nails done, go shopping, sign up for that Yoga vinyasa class you have been dying to try or even take yourself on a date. Whatever it is, make sure that you sit back and relax and let that “oh my god that feels so good” feeling take over and forget about everything else.

6- Live. Your. Life

People will always talk, always criticize: it is time you learn how to not care so much about people’s opinion. Especially opinion from people who add no value to your life. Just do something for yourself for god’s sake! And stop worrying about the wrong people because the people who mind don’t matter and the people who matter won’t mind. So go ahead and live your life.

7- Keep a gratitude journal (or a jar)

This is actually something that I plan on starting this year… NO it is NOT a resolution… Or maybe it is… Is it? Whatever… The point is whenever things are not going in the direction you would have wanted them to, you can just go back to that journal and uplift yourself by reminiscing the things you are grateful about.

You’re welcome.

8- Don’t compare yourself with other people

Comparing yourself with people is the perfect recipe for disaster and depression. Don’t do it. We all have different battles in life and we are all walking a different path. You don’t know when somebody's walk started and most importantly the battle that person had to fight to get where she/he is at now. You cannot compare your beginning with somebody’s middle. So just do your thing and do your best. One day you will make it to the top.

9- Don’t believe everything you see on social media.

Not everything shinny is gold

I'll let you meditate on that one...

10- Forgive, let go and move on

Holding a grudge is not healthy (physically wise and emotionally wise). You cannot live and be happy if you hold onto an emotional baggage that weights you down. It’s like trying to make a boat move knowing that you haven’t lifted the anchor: you will wreck your motor. In this case you will wreck you life and every chance you will have to be happy. Being happy also asks for ability to forgive, let go and move on. If you haven’t done that yet, maybe it’s time you try doing that.

We are through! I hope you were able to find some useful items on that list and that you will actually try some of them. Let me know if you have some more.
xo

"The 7 Rules of Life" mini-series: Some things are meant to happen but not to last

Just like a year is marked by different seasons, our lives too are marked by different seasons and each one of these seasons in an individual life is an opportunity to grow, reinvent him/herself and write a new story. With each season most of the time comes different people, each bringing something different, something we specifically need at that very moment they enter our lives. And even though some of those people are in our lives only for a season, we can't help but get attached to them: we get obsessed by the idea that maybe they will stay forever. We start making plans hoping they will stick around for a life time, only to witness months or years down the road things falling apart. In a little as few months or a years, our relationships with certain people that meant so much to us go from best friends or lovers to total strangers.

And of course we are hurt. of course we are heart broken and feel betrayed by those people we thought would be our forever. I have felt that way on so many occasions but this is only because we failed to acknowledge that some of those people were not meant to be around forever. There were times where I refused to let go of some people but eventually I had to because the more I was trying to hold on to them, the more things were falling apart and the more I was losing myself and my peace of mind. I couldn't afford that ...

Seasons come and go and so do seasonal people. No matter how bad you would like the summer to last all year long (speaking of us people living in the coldest places of the world), it's going to end and winter is going to come a some point. The same is true of seasonal people: once their season in your life is over, they will leave and no matter how hard you try to hold on to them, you will only delay their departure but won't prevent it.

One thing you have to understand is that it has nothing to do with you or the fact that you didn't do enough to keep them from leaving. They had a purpose to fulfill in your life. They did what they had to do and now they are just pursuing their path of life. You need to understand that some things in life are meant to happen but not to last. Whenever a friendship or a relationship ends it hurts; getting over it is a painful and heartbreaking process that is sometimes necessary for us to grow and start another season of our lives.

As a year new year is about to start (thus probably marking a new season in your life), I want you to realize through this last article of "The 7 Rules of Life" mini-series that not all the people you started your journey with will walk the walk with you. Some people are meant to enter our lives, mark it forever either by the value they add to it or by the lessons they teach us and just leave.  And as hard as it can sometimes be, you need to be able to carry on with your life keeping close to your heart the good memories, the values they added to your life and the lessons learnt from their brief passage in your life.

I hope this mini-series theme did you good and that you found in it some helpful tools to carry on with life and make great things happen. I wish you a happy and blessed new year and may 2016 be the year you make your dreams come true because.

"The 7 Rules of Life" mini-series: Find your own wings and fly- You owe it to yourself

I was scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed a while ago and I stumbled upon the status update of a girl that I somewhat know where she complained about the fact that beside a few people that she knows, everybody else from our home country Cote d'Ivoire is only vlogging about men-women relationship. And the funniest thing is that, just like her, I’m wondering what is it about that obsession with relationship everybody seems to be developing right now?? And believe me when I say I’m not trying to be a jerk right here but I’m just like… am I missing something? Before you start throwing sticks and stones at me let me make a disclaimer: I am talking from my personal opinion and personal experience and you are free to agree or disagree with what I am about to say. So hold off your guns and read first. Then maybe after that we can start throwing sinks at each other.

The reason why so many people are bitter, sad, angry and get stuck on past relationships is in my opinion because they haven’t come yet to the realization that a relationship is a part of a life and not an entire life. People have gotten into the habit of being depend on relationships for their own happiness. They have grown into the habit of measuring their self-worth and self-esteem to the ability they have to be in a relationship with somebody. They live in a bubble where their significant other along with their relationship is their all. And then when everything fall apart they have nothing to fall back on because the relationship was a win or lose bet in which they dived head first. We have all been there at some point and for most of us our heart, self worth, self esteem has taken a HUGE toll because we were left with nothing that made us fell worthy when it all ended.

Speaking from my personal experience, I have come to understand from the long period of time I spent being single that there is a life to be lived and that life is an ensemble of multiple things, each taking a big or small place of our lives. I have grown to understand that there is a difference between having an aversion for commitment and a fear of confinement. The reason why I find it so difficult and complicated now to be in a relationship is that I have found myself confronted to confinement. I have dreams, ambitions, hopes and I cannot settle in with somebody who cannot understand that and support me. Why? Because I am not ready to give up on all that and lock myself up into something that might fall apart one day. It’s not being selfish… It’s understanding that I still have a long road ahead and the journey is far from being over, and as much as I would love to have company during my journey, I’m not ready to bailout on what I hold close to  my heart.  I do believe that everything in life is a matter of balance (which I am obviously not very good at the moment but I’m working on it) : people need to understand that they are sharing their life with someone, not making someone their life. It is important because in the event a relationship falls apart, you know that you still have something to fall back on and your life still has a meaning.

I have grown and learned a lot from being single. I have learned to be happy and content with myself. I have come to the understanding that my happiness, self-worth, well-being and self-esteem are not determined by my ability to be in a relationship. They have nothing to do with whether or not I am in a relationship. They are independent from each other. I get to determine my self-worth and self-esteem value, I am in charge of creating my own happiness. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying I’m against relationship and that being single is the way to live life. I am just saying that there are a few things being single can teach you about life and about the way you might want to handle your next relationship. It is time to find your own wings and fly. Stop depending on people to validate you; stop relying on people’s compliments to feed your self-esteem because when those compliments stop, your self-esteem will eventually die from starvation. Break your dependence on relationships for happiness and learn to be happy on your own because if you don't know how to be happy by yourself, you won't know how to be happy when you are taken. Yes it is hard at the beginning but you will find a way whether it's through traveling, working, praying, making a change in your life, pursuing your dreams, ambitions or working on yourself; just do what makes you happy without necessarily involving other people's validation. Find self-fulfillment, validation and accomplishment within yourself. Find your own wings and fly because after so many years of being down and not being appreciated you owe it to yourself.

"The 7 Rules of Life" mini-series: Learn to celebrate the little victories

About a month or so ago, I was walking home from my BJJ class, thinking about my day and how far I had come ever since I started the little journey I have been on to find myself (this also will be the story of another post later sometime)

You know how people walk into gyms and have a list of goals and you're just ready to crush every single one of those things you have your mind set on? well I didn’t have that the first time I walked into Mass BJJ and met Mike and Nate. To be honest I didn’t have much left at this time: I was going through a rough patch in life, I was lost and it was just a never ending fall to the abyss that felt like an eternity. Everything was falling apart and I needed something to hold on to. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was on my way back from meeting with a friend for a late afternoon coffee and I passed by the gym that had just relocated to a new place literally 5 minutes away from my house. I stood outside,  in front of the door and took a peek inside: the light was dim, it was as if the gym was about to close but there were still some people inside. So I walked in and greeted the people I found inside. After a few words with Mike, co-owner of Mass BJJ, I signed up for a trial because I thought “Why not? That might be fun and at this point I literally have nothing to lose". It was all I needed for my life to take a new turn, this time for the best. After a few months of training, sweating, drilling, frustrations from being choked and submitted but also of learning and taming the storm that was raging inside of me, I finally got promoted. I was getting my first stripe and boy did it feel good!

On my way home that day, I tried to think about what I would say if somebody asked me what that stripe meant to me. Of course I would say it’s an acknowledgement of the hard work and the hours I put in on the mat. But in all honesty, it was much more than that. That stripe to me was and still is a symbol of Hope as well as a little victory in my fight to stay alive.

Why? You might ask... Well simply because honestly I don’t think I would have made it otherwise. When I started BJJ I was looking for something to hold onto to when everything was falling apart. I was desperately in need of something I could invest myself in, pour my heart into; something that would help me get my head out of the water. I was in need of something and/or someone to rescue me because I was dying inside and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu saved my life. Mass BJJ gave me my life back.

That stripe is also a symbol of strength and endurance. I am not the broken girl who walked in Mass BJJ for her first class and was on the edge of fainting 2 min into the drill. Walking home after that first class, lightheaded, my legs barely holding me, I understood the meaning of the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Training BJJ made me stronger and it is not just my body. Physical strength is nothing when it comes to being on the mat. Because you can be 300lbs and be taken down by somebody weighting half your weight. The strength I am talking about is the mental one. The first thing that I wrote on the goal board when I started training was “challenge my limits” and I am happy to say I did. My mind is much stronger and as a results I have grown comfortable getting out of my safe and comfort zone. I have grown in strength and I am still getting comfortable being uncomfortable and accepting challenges I wouldn’t have accepted years ago. One of them was the challenge of evolving and going from thinking “I can’t” or “I will never be able to do that” to “If I put in hard work, I will” or “One day I will be able to do that. I just have work on this”.

Reflecting on how I things have turned out for me lately and how far from my expectations I am standing at the moment, I thought it was a much needed thing to take a break and celebrate that little victory. Little but not so much because of the significance it carries. As we just celebrated thanksgiving, I thought it was the right time for me to stop and be grateful for that victory right here. It is so easy to get discouraged and disappointed because we don’t see the big things happen but what we forget is that the accumulation of the small victories create a ripple effect leading to the big victory. Raising today my bottle of water (while having some chocolates... of course...) to celebrate a small victory that is nothing but the sign that greater things are laying ahead of me; but at the same time a victory not so little because of how meaningful it is. Indeed a huge victory on the old me, a huge milestone in the transformation process that is happening in my life at the moment, a huge step forward in my journey to find myself in the midst of the chaos surrounding me. To our “littles” victories and to the biggest moment of joy they have brought to us, celebrating and being grateful/hopeful as sometimes it is important to be gentle with yourself and appreciate the results of your hard work because you are doing the best you can with just what you have and sometimes it's not much. So...

Cheers