Loving Without Expectations Or The Art Of Being Happy In Relationships

Welcome back to your favorite happy place for another article. Today we are going to talk about Love. I know what you are thinking ...

Yeaaaah... I knoooowww... I'll make it quick and as painless as I can. So grab yourself a chair or lay down on the Sofa like we do when we pay hundreds of $ to talk to a psychologist who only cuts us off occasionally to say: "you have some really deep issues"... okay... Thanks I guess... 

Make yourself comfy and let's dive in right away. Let’s talk about love and its implications [told and untold] that one minute drive us crazy about the people we are in a relationship with only to leave us filled with anxiety and on the verge of a panic attack the next one.

Love is a beautiful thing. It is an amazing feeling [when you can actually feel it…] to have. For all the times I didn’t really have a chance to fully embrace it or dive into it without feeling hurt, I still chose to cherish the greatness and happiness I got from briefly waving it “hi” instead of reminiscing/ reliving the hurt I got from it. I chose not to turn into that cynical friend you dread to be around… You know... The one who can’t help but throw some shades at your love story and your new beau, narrating you his/her version of “1000 ways to get your heart broken” or “10 steps to getting your heart in pieces”. No… I turned into the sarcastic one with the naïve smile and the occasional smirk on her face, the one that will pretend she isn’t hurt when in fact she very much is but would rather wait to get home and cry herself to sleep because she doesn't deal well with letting the world see her misery. Yes.. THAT friend... I do believe in love, I do believe it is beautiful but I don’t believe that love is all pink and beautiful and that it is all we see in the movies.

Love is not always that romantic comedy that makes us break in tears happy and wish for a happily ever after. This is not the reality of love. The reality of love is what happens when all the hormones settle down and your haziness from being high on dopamine starts to dissipate. It is what happens when you go back to normal [whatever that means 😒] and that you go from being high for days to having your wings cut. It is that sudden anxiety that you feel when you realize you are free falling and about to crash but you hope you won’t because "in theory" your significant other should be there to catch you. And sometimes they are and it is wonderful! But sometimes they don’t and nothing comes close to the hurt you experience at that moment. It is devastating… And though the pain you might experience could be anywhere similar to being punched in the gut and the balls at the same time [for months until you finally move on], some of us are able to walk away with minor emotional trauma that resolves within days, weeks, months (depending on the individual) and a slightly bruised ego, while some other just land in the ER, in a non reactive coma. Been there many times, occasionally waking up from my emotional coma, only to ask myself how was it possible for a human being to suffer that much pain over and over again… The answer to my question came when I stopped jumping from one relationship to another in hope that it will mend my broken heart, and started focusing on what was happening inside of me.

I understood that love didn’t put me there. Love is a dangerous beautiful thing. It is the expectations we carry and impose to the person we are about to start that emotional journey with that beat us to death, before hijacking the parachute and tricking us to jump off the plane; and next thing you know, you are crashing on the concrete. Sounds scary huh? That’s because it is scary. The moment you crash is the moment the frustrations hit, the arguments, the cold shoulder and/ or sometimes the cold war and God forbid you are a child stuck in the middle of all this chaos. Your stake on love will forever be altered and good luck being an emotionally stable human being again.

As I was in emotional rehab working on myself by myself for myself, the only question that was on my mind was: how can I possibly prevent this from happening again? And if it ever happens, how do I minimize the casualties should I do one or more rounds of this bittersweet suffering? I asked myself this question because I knew that if I kept on doing what I was doing I would turn into your cynical friend I mentioned earlier who you grew tired off and eventually unfriended on Facebook, blocked on Snapchat, Whatsapp, Viber, Imo, and also IRL. I didn’t want that to happen to me. I didn’t want to be that type of person. And to my question, some people’s answer was to build walls around my heart to protect it. In theory it works great but in reality, you confine yourself in a very lonely place emotionally and while you are protecting yourself from being hurt, you are also protecting yourself from being happy.  And who wants to live a safe but unhappy life? Maybe some people do but I didn’t.

My epiphany about how expectations could ruin everything before things even started led me to learn how to walk into relationships without expectations; and if this was impossible, helped me keep them very minimal. I have learned not to expect the good nights and good morning calls/ texts and the fluffy stuff that came with being in a relationship. And when my heart was too wild and loving beyond reason, I learned to not expect too much because I couldn’t sustain the hurt and pain that came with being disappointed. I tend to have very high expectations for myself and as a human being, I most of the time fail to hold them, hence disappointing myself at many occasion. So if I can’t hold these expectations, why do I expect somebody to hold them? I have learned to not expect somebody to fix me, mend my broken heart, cure my debilitating loneliness, fill the void I experience more than I would ever like to acknowledge or be my hero and save me from the monsters of my past that more than once have come back to haunt me. I don’t expect somebody to be my everything and I don’t expect somebody to make me his/her everything because the amount of pressure and the unrealistic expectations that come with it are untold of and highly unrealistic! And it wouldn’t be fair to put somebody through that because this is not their job!

The most important thing when it comes to expectations is to not expect somebody to love you when they actually don’t and no matter how hard it is to love someone without being love in return, you have to accept it. Learning to be happy in a relationship starts with being happy alone and this calls to your ability to be self-reliant and to look within yourself for all those things you are seeking through a relationship. It starts with your ability to be independent and keep your expectations from your Significant other non-existent or, at best, minimal because you know that all you need lies within you.

Don’t wait for somebody to make you smile, be happy or give you validation: do it yourself, create your own happiness. Don’t wait for somebody to be your hero: be your own hero, write your own story. There is a power that stems from the ability to be self-reliant and fuels your desire to be happy in a relationship that can only be reached once you have mastered the art of expecting nothing. And until you learn how to do that, being happy will remain nothing but a foreign concept which you will never be able to fully grasp.

What I Have Learned From My Failed Relationships.

Failure sucks. And besides the fear of death, it is one of the things we as human are absolutely terrified of after the fear of rejection. So we sit in our little corner, we try to play it safe and remain in the comfort zone. But from all I have learned in life, all the amazing experiences I ever have, all the amazing people I crossed path with, it all came from getting out of the comfort zone and risking it all.

A very good and close friend of mine, a sister of heart I should even say told me something that really remind the quote that goes by: “ If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.”

She told me that when it comes to relationships, we shouldn’t be afraid to fail and we should be able to go back on our feet and try again, as many time as we can, until we finally get what we were looking for. Now looking at my very inglorious emotional past and relationship career, I immediately told her that another relationship failure would be fatal for me and I don’t know if I could get over it. But deep down I knew that I could. I just said it because with the wears and tears of getting your heart thrown on the ground and stepped over, it takes much longer to recover. It takes more effort to consolidate the broken pieces. It takes more will power to get off the couch and find your way back to life because well… it hurts like a motherfucker to be hurt, especially when it comes to your heart. But the truth is you learn to get over it and you move on. You eventually forget the pain but you don’t forget what it taught you. And this is what I have learned from my past failed relationships.

1. Be the mature one.

For a relationship to work at least one grown up is required but ideally and in order to have the optimal conditions reunited for a blossoming relationship, two grownups is the norm. Two can play the Ego game but pride has never been a great guest in any relationship. So if you care about your relationship and the person you are in it with and if that person cannot act their actual age, you need to get above and beyond the childish whim and tantrums they throw and be the mature one.

2. Don’t speak under the influence.

And here of course, I am speaking mostly about any type of alcohol and drug (including your hormones) but more specifically under the influence of your emotions. When anger and hurt strike, there are so many things that we say that we either immediately regret or that we regret the next morning, after (of course) processing how hung over we are and vaguely remembering that WWIII happened in your kitchen and somehow ended with you falling asleep with a bottle of wine on the couch, while doing a SATC marathon to calm your nerves. Sometimes the things we regret are the ones we don’t mean that and that we say just to hurt the other person we engage in an argument with. Some other times, it is the things we mean, the legitimate concerns we raise that lose their validity as soon as we start yelling because we are getting our point across the wrong way. I have never been a great communicator but one thing I have learned to do is to shut down when a situation becomes so confrontational that I know if I open my mouth it is going to be Armageddon. I have learned to walk away from conflict not because I am a coward, but because some words can hurt more than sticks and stones and once words are said, they can only be forgiven but not forgotten.

3. Don’t try to change your partner.

Don’t fall in love with potential: fall in love with the person you are in a relationship with or you are about to be in a relationship with. Potential can be deceiving. If you can’t sign up for what you are being offered, just back away and decline the offer. But just don’t walk into a relationship thinking you can change somebody. You don’t have that power. The only way a person can change is if that person wants to do it. Don’t make the relationship a project, don’t try to fix the other person  (especially if there is nothing wrong but you somehow convince yourself that the other person is broken. That’s creepy AF.) , don’t try to make them do things they do not want to do because the only thing that will get out of this is frustration and resentment and those are very toxic adds-on to a relationship. Either take him/her as s/he is or watch her/him as s/he goes.

4. Don’t say it unless you mean it.

We all get caught up in the heat of the moment: the promises of the happily ever after, the forever and ever, the “always” to quote Isaac from TFIOS. And we can’t blame ourselves for nothing but our crazy hormones and the infatuations that blind sides us and make us lose out mind. Be wise with your words and patient with your heart. Let the steam go down a notch and let your head rest a little. Let your words be said when your mind is clear and your thoughts in order. Good things never stemmed out of chaos.

5. Don’t listen to respond, listen to communicate.

Listen to your S.O for what it is : to listen. Even during an argument. Don’t listen to pick things apart and try to blame, convict them. Listen to understand, without bias; listen to communicate and turn an argument into a two ways street communication. It is hard but it works.

6. Give and ask for forgiveness, show grace and mercy , love unconditionally.

"Forgiveness is the Final act of love" ~ Beyoncé

a) Especially when you feel the urge to bail out. Unless the person is not showing signs that they want to make it work, always apply those three principles and b) especially when you are in all your rights to be mad and walk away. To come back to TFIOS and quote Isaac again  “Love is to keep the promise anyway” and if you promised to make it work no matter how hard it is, do it. If you promised to stick with each other, love each other, “agree to disagree on red velvet cake” to quote Paige in The Vows, do it, because the best clap back to somebody who is giving you hurt (whether they mean it or not) is to give them love, forgiveness, grace and mercy.

7. If everything else fails, leave.

The worst thing you can do to yourself if you are in the wrong story is to stay and be unhappy. So if you have tried everything and nothing is working or if you just feel like you have given your all and you can’t just keep on letting your SO other make a fool out of you, leave. Life is too short to be unhappy and stuck in the wrong story. Leave, close the door behind you and write a better story than the one that broke your heart and made you cry uncontrollably. 

I hope this article helped you and that you found some valuable advices in it and no matter how many times you fail in love, always remember this : “success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts”

Until next time,
xo


*TFIOS : The Fault In Our Stars
*SATC: Sex And The City
*S.O: Significant Other

Broke And Addicted

Welcome back to another article, one that I hope you can resonate with (you know I keep it real!). I still don’t have the magic formula for a one size fits all opening act for my articles. What a bummer… I know right? But really who needs something generic when you can have something special and extraordinary? Still working on delivering the extraordinary and when I successfully figure out how to make it happen, you’ll be the first person to know (I guarantee you!!!!) 

Too much talk and not enough time to say all I have to say and considering that time is money, I will get straight to the heart of my post: Money!!!!! I used to tell my sister that “money is just paper” but it is ironic how not having “paper” in your bank account or your wallet can make you go from happy to depressive as soon as you open your mailbox.

Hit me with the Rosé before I get the blues…

I feel like there is some sort of vortex where my money disappears as soon as I get paid! It’s like playing hide and seek with my paycheck except that once my money hides it’s all gone and I think I have gotten sick of that game. So I stopped playing… And consolidating my checkbook and bank account because quite franckly it is boring and the sight of how much money I spend on things that do not make me happy and do not go on display in my closet depress me even more. I was just tired of being jumped trying to live life as an adult.

current situation

So… I took another approach on money which I must admit put me in a much worse position: I started shopping and treating myself as many times as I can afford to. And one thing I can say about that is that it doesn’t happen often enough. However when it happens I am like an addict in a crackhouse. My debit card is on fire and my bank account drowning. Sounds familiar? You bet it does! I am not a heavy shopper but I enjoy quality things you know… staples a.k.a designer. And when I say designer, it is designer everything: clothes, bags, shoes, wallets, watches… And “OMG! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!” is literally the question I ask myself once the adrenaline from swiping my card and unboxing all I have paid is all settled down.

Me... After every single purchase I make, the most recent being a bag... Although the regrets lasted about 5 min... yeah whatever...

I do tend to think that I am in a toxic relationship with money and shopping and although it has gotten better with the years there are still relapse moments that do more damage than one swipe a week I swear… Know that say that goes by “don’t go grocery shopping when you are hungry”? well here is a better one “ Don’t go shopping when you bank account is loaded”… I mean if you work you butt off like me but you’re still finding yourself drowning under bills and want a break from the ridiculous overdraft fees charged by your bank then this is the advice for you; but if you are rich please ignore that suggestion (and *maybe* you can send some “paper” my way acknowledging you have indeed “ignored” my suggestion… no? well at least I tried).

I feel like for me shopping on a full bank account gives me a freedom that I don’t have in reality. It is just a delusional moment like being on bad acid where you feel like you’re invincible but the minute you go home and open your mailbox the monologue between your inner rich self and your in-reality broke self is on and about to go on until your next pay period. And this is not even the worst part! Hold on it gets worst! The worst part is the idea of looking all cute in all those designer stuff you bought but you can’t wear it because you can’t go out because you are broke!!! Ironic right? I know… I live that irony everyday…If I was getting a dollar every time I was broke I’d probably be a millionaire and of course my sister would be a billionaire… I’ll let that one sink for a minute…

If only scrap paper could turn into money or if we could live off monopoly bills and turn them into IOUs… But who am I kidding.. Life is not a wish granting factory…Well at least payday is coming so let’s toast to more bills and an even bigger monologue because my account is about to be loaded and we all know what that means…

Pretty sure maxing out my card comes first... So if you will excuse me... There is a ridiculous amount of designer goods waiting for me...

A Heartfelt Open Letter To My Seventeen Years Old Self

Sometimes I think about my life and how it has turned. And like I always say, “It hasn’t turned the way I thought it would and how I wanted it to but I’m okay with it” because no matter how messed up my life was sometimes, I have learned many things that shaped me, my character and made me who I am today and in a sense, I am proud of that. I wish back then I had the knowledge and insight I had on life now but what good would it have done to me? Sure, I wouldn’t have made some of the mistakes I made but isn’t the purpose of life to learn through trials and errors? Well... I surely did. Because 99% of the decisions we make stem  from (or are influenced by) the internet (thanks Google) I thought I would put the little knowledge and insignificant insight I have gained on life to use and somehow help somebody out there, looking for the answers I didn’t have growing up; answers I had to figure out on my own, most of the time the wrong and hardest way. So if I had to write a letter to my 17 years old self, this is what I would say….

Dear seventeen years old self,

Let me start by giving you a great advice I wish I had considered back then: enjoy our high school years, enjoy your college years because these will be the most amazing years of your life. Don’t rush to get to adulthood just because you believe it rhymes with freedom. I am here now and I can guarantee you it is nothing like what you are envisioning so don’t rush. Enjoy the long days doing nothing, enjoy the chance you have of living life without any liabilities because once you become an adult that’s all you will get: Liabilities. Enjoy the friendships you are forming right now and nurture them because some of them will give birth to the strongest sisterhood bonds you had never imagined, bonds that are almost stronger than the one that links you to your siblings.

I know right now you are telling yourself that your life sucks. You are trying to recover from that huge heartbreak that shattered your heart into pieces. You are laying down awake all night wondering if you will ever get over it. Wondering if one day you will be able to smile again, to love again, to think about him without crying uncontrollably. And let me tell you, you will. I know it sounds silly right now because you feel like you are losing you mind but you will. I know it is hard because you thought he was your forever and that you would make it to the happily ever after and all of the sudden, your dream turned into a nightmare and you can’t seem to be able to wake up. It sucks I know… But you will get over it. Why? Because you are strong, you just don’t know it yet. You will get back on your feet because you are resilient and because great things await for you ahead.

                                                                                                                                                               

My Scars tell a story. They are a reminder of times when life tried to break me but failed.

They are markings of where the structure of my character was welded. 

 Steve Maraboli

                                                                                                                                                              

And as tempting as it sounds to jump into a new relationship to forget about your heartache, I will give you an advice contrary to the popular opinion: don’t do it. Give yourself time to heal. Don’t hide your emotions by diving head first into work, don’t hide your emotions by secluding yourself into a castle of ice, pretending nothing hurt. It will destroy you and kill you from the inside. And believe me there is nothing sadder than to live life when you are dead on the inside. Be honest about your feelings. Don’t shut down when you are hurt and have issues. I know it is what life seems to be teaching you right know because of all the betrayal you are experiencing right now. You feel like you cannot trust anybody and that the entire world is against you. But you have to find the courage to open up and speak up about how you feel. That the only way you will heal, that is the only way you will make it alive and sane.

If you have to scream and cry for the world to hear how desperate you are do it. Silence is never an option. Cutting yourself is never an option. Drinking to the point where you pass out is not an option. The pain will be back again tomorrow and I don’t want you to get caught up in a vicious cycle that will slowly lead you to the grave. You are smart, loving, caring and full of potential. Don’t let what you are going through today be a good enough reason to turn off the light and give up on the future. Things will get better, I promise you. Yes sometimes you will feel like you don’t really know what you are doing, you will mess up quite a few times around but it’s okay. See, being adult is like looking left and right for incoming car in an attempt to not get ran over but then you get hit by a plane. I know… It sounds horrible but the good news is that one day you will stand in a place where you will turn your mess into a message and if that doesn’t cheer you up well, I don’t know what else will. Will you ever meet the Mr right? You will… But unfortunately it will be the wrong timing. Your head will be too full of dreams and ambitions, he won’t understand how driven you are and you won’t understand how passionate and in love he is and how you not being there for him is crushing his soul. But then, you putting a cross on your dreams will not be an option so you will leave, heartbroken, but still hoping that he will find someone able to love him and be there for him in ways you couldn’t.

                                                                                                                        

We had the right love at the bad time

                                                                                                                            

Moving through life, you will reach a point where people will constantly judge you and try to change you. Don’t follow. Always remember that you have never been a follower and never will be (I know I am the future you). Do you and live your life. A lot of people will leave your life for that reason, because you don’t fit the ideal they had of you and you don't fit into their mold. You will also burn a lot of bridges which now seem to mean a lot to you but down the road will end up being dead ends that will lead you to the same hurts, tears, resentment and angers. Some of them will be very hard to burn but you will thank yourself for doing it. Despite all you will be going through you will still have a heart to love and care even for the people who hurt you. Why? Because this is who you are and nothing/ nobody can change it.

I know right now you think your parents are annoying but trust me…. Years go by fast and people are not eternal... You will realize it the hard way. Love them while you still can and don’t spend a day without being grateful for them. They are going above and beyond what they can do to give you a bright future and the least you can do is to be appreciative for that. And to be honest, even though you are not the worst kid to raise, you are not the easiest either and for that, you must give them credit.

                                                                                                                                                              

Love your parents. We are so busy growing up, we often forget they are also growing old

                                                                                                                                                             

I will end my letter by giving you the greatest advice of all time I had to find out on my own and it was an epiphany that led me to living a better life. Life is not perfect but it is what it is. take one day at the time and enjoy every single second of it. Always see the positive in the negative and let nothing/ no one steal/ kill your joy. At some point you will spend life in your own corner: don’t be afraid to spend time with yourself. Get to know yourself and learn to be happy and content being by yourself. Understand that happiness is an inside job and you are the one in charge of your own happiness. Never let somebody convince you of the contrary. You cannot know the answers to all the question you have in life or about your future, but as long as you remain attached to the Lord and trust His word and His plan for you, you will make it safely to where you are meant to be. Great things awaits for your miss, and believe me they are worth everything you are going through right now. When things will get unbearable get to your knees and pray and remember in the midst of trials and persecution that “this too shall pass”.

So be courageous and strong my love because things get better and I promise you, they will.

Much love,

Your twenty-five years old self.

From The Mud To The Glory: The Victory of the Queen and The Disgrace of Becky With The Good Hair

It has been a minute since I have been here and I am more than happy to be back. For some reasons - reasons I  know nothing about- I can't seem to find a one size fits all magic formula that works when it comes to opening my articles and blow your mind beyond imagination. On the other hand,  I can't seem to familiarize myself with the good ol' and generic "hi people! I hope you are doing fine! today we will be talking about... blah blah blah". So I will get straight to the point hoping you will keep reading anyway...

So a lot of things have been happening lately and among them I recently hit the quarter of century milestone (yes I know...). I thought about writing things I have learnt as I got older but then I changed my mind. Instead, I decided to talk about something more meaningful, something which has made the headlines of the news in the African community and been the major topic of gossip among the community. If you haven't guessed it yet, it is the wedding (religious) of Eto'o and his wife Georgette. Once again, if you have followed the actuality regarding this couple, you would understand why them taking their mariage to this next step is such a big deal.

Eto's fils and his wife Georgette at their wedding, celebrated by the pope Francois Ier 🎆🎊🎉

At the age where all the hormones start to kick in, the desire to find a soulmate and start a family becomes an obsession, I tried to understand why Georgette decided to salvage her marriage and give it a second chance. I wanted to understand why, in a midst of a generation that throws away anything that fails to work according to the plan, she decided to stay and even agreed to engage in holy matrimony. And even though some people seem to put forth the money as the main reason why she stayed, the most obvious one to me is love. Why? because Eto'o admitted that when they both started dating, she was the one bringing the bacon on the table and that I quote " He was an amateur soccer player that no club wanted to sign". So truly money has never been an issue for her and it certainly isn't now. But why would love be the most obvious reason? Let's look at the definition of love according to the Bible:

Now I don't know if Georgette is a christian but the love she displays is along the line of what was said a little higher. Only someone that loves you form the type of love that was aforementioned can overlook the hurt and humiliation she was put through. Only some that loves you from such a pure love can decide to forgive and continue the walk she has started years ago with the man she wanted to grow old with. And it can only  make sense because they have a history together, a commitment to pick each other up whenever one of them falls. She could have judged him, condemned him, expose him in ways only women knows how to do but she didn't. She could have stood with the popular opinion but she didn't. She stood in silence, protected the honor of her husband despite hers being thrown into the mud. She protected her husband and showed the perseverance of her love by walking through the aisle to join her husband in holy matrimony before men and before God. 

Not every woman would tolerate a cheating man let alone stay with him and take their marriage to the House of the Lord (hellu'r?!). This show another trait that only pure love can display and this trait is trust. You cannot decide to take your marriage before God if you don't trust the person you are walking with to take care of your heart and your feelings. Moreover, she stayed because she decided to forgive; she displayed a will to move past the wrong her husband did her and look at all the things he did right.

Rita Thornton- The Vow

She decided to look past her husband's flaws, imperfections and mistakes because the truth is we are all humans and we all make mistakes; nobody is immune to it and God forbid we find ourselves in the position Samuel found himself in because as inflexible, unforgiving as we are, we will probably be denied the compassion we refuse to show others.

A marriage is made of many things and mistakes are part of it. And so is forgiveness. Maybe the reason why people don't seem to understand her choice is because of their inability to forgive. Or perhaps, it is because the quality of the love they are giving for true love has the power and capacity to overcome the most difficult hurdles relationships and marriages are tested through.

As I have reached the age where I am ready to settle down and getting comfortable with the idea of spending the rest of my life with somebody else, I can only salute the bravado of Georgette and the slap she put in the face of Becky with the good hair. I can only salute the attitude of Queen she had and the classy way she handled things and proved people wrong by not leaving. One thing I took away from all that is that true love is not dead and that as long as there is still a will to make things work and carry through, people's opinion doesn't matter.

Long live to the Eto'o couple and may the haters keep on hating!

Cheers!