Reflections on Rest

 Hello and welcome back to another article!

At the time I started working on that article, it had been exactly a whole quarter and a month since I had last posted. However, here we are now and the year is almost over. What started just as a moment in between posts to brainstorm the next article turned into a much needed Selah moment. As I have said before on this platform, there is nothing that I share that doesn’t apply/ minister to me: What I have shared from a prophetic place has turned out to be the encouragement I couldn’t give myself in the times that I have walked through my very own valley; and what I have shared from experience is the wisdom I pray someone can benefit from. 

2025 was definitely a mixed-feelings type year with highs that were high and exhilarating; and lows that had me question a lot of things. And in the midst of all of this, a moment to stop was much needed. It was intentionally shorter to begin with but as time went by, I realized that perhaps much more time than I had anticipated was needed. Life still happened but I started to think more intentionally about what it meant to rest as i walked through that journey everyday, in a practical way. 

As the year is coming to an end, I am still on that journey (and suspect I will be on it for a while), more intentional than ever about what it means to live a life where rest can exist, not as an earned reward for constantly and consistently striving as society dictates it, but simply as a practice because I deserve it. 

As I continue my journey, I am sure that I will have a lot more to talk about but I wanted to share what I have found out rest to be in the past months through my own experiences, through conversations with people and through the Bible lens.

1- Rest as a way to honor God

As part of ministry, I attended a workshop months ago where we spoke about rest. I had been wrestling with this article for a while and didn't really know how to start it, what to write in it or even how to relate to it. However, one thing I knew for sure was that it was what God wanted me to talk about and the theme of this workshop came as confirmation of it. The guest speaker at the workshop described Rest as a gift from God. When I did my research while writing this article, I found that there was different words in Hebrew that meant rest but the one that she and I stayed on was Shabbat which is what God instructed in His word. As a Christian (imitator of Christ), I think a lot of what it means to bear that name/title. Sometimes, there are big/very stern terms associated with it like Holiness, and obedience, but there are moments like this, when talking about rest, where I realize that imitating Christ (who is God) also means resting. It might seem like such a minute thing but it is so important. The Bible says in genesis that God created everything in six days and "by the seventh day God had finished the work He had been doing; so on the seventh day He rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it He rested from all the work of creation that He had done" (Gen 2:2). What I took away from this verse is that to honor the sabbath (rest) is to honor God by imitating him (first) and by acknowledging the sacredness of rest (second). To live in holiness is to honor God. To live in integrity is to honor God. To serve in a ministry capacity, in community or our family members is to honor God. And to rest is also to honor God. 

2-Rest as a way to rebel against societal norms

We live in an era were productivity has become an idol for many (myself included). For a lot of us, we have derived our worth from what we do. I have heard many times people joke around and say :"you can rest when you are dead" and that's how I knew that there was a serious problem with the society we live in. It is unfortunate that it takes people to be burnout, to have mental breakdowns or even drop down dead to realize that rest is something necessary. As someone who travels, I am realizing that the idea of moving slow and stopping is not something that is natural in the western society. In certain places in Europe, shops are closed on the weekend. People on their lunch breaks step away from their desks/ leave their offices to have lunch because they understand the importance of stopping, just for a little while, so they can be replenished and rejuvenated. As I am walking through that journey of uncovering what rest means for me, I am also confronted with the reality of how hard it is to change my own habits and reconditioning my mind. I am confronted with the reality of how hard it is to resist the urge to jump on everything, say yes to everything and/or fix everything. The reality of the world we live in is that everyone is expendable and there will be another day to save if I cannot save today. And if I can save today, it's okay if I don't save tomorrow. I don't have to succumb under societal pressure : just because I have the capacity to do it all doesn't mean that I have to do it all.

3- Rest as an act of trust (and Faith) in God

A while ago, I went down the rabbit whole to understand the difference between trust and faith because of one specific passage: Mark 9:24. What I have found during my study of that verse is that it is possible to have Faith (believing in God's character and power) while not trusting that He can do what He says He is going to do for us specifically. The faith part is based on things that are established as truth by the Word of God, the trusting part is relational. Faith stands on Who God is, trust is based on who God is to us. And for a lot of us, rest is a test of how much we trust God and have Faith in him. A lot of us- again, myself included- wrestle with restlessness because we do not trust that God will show up for us. We tend to have the Faith part down but the area where we struggle the most is trust. Even when we have a track record of what God can do, we still waver in our trust. And because we do, we have a tendency to want to control everything, even when we leave things in God's hands. I have found in my experience that a restless mind/person is simply a mind/person that is not at peace. I am learning to pivot my prayers from asking for answers to asking God for peace. It doesn't mean an absence of trouble, it just means that because the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus (phil 4:7), I can rest knowing that what I cannot take care of because it is out of my reach and my physical abilities, God will handle. It is a hard thing to practice on a daily basis, especially in times where all you see is a raging sea and waves on the horizon of life while your boat is being beat up by the storm. And practicing trusting God will not be something that you nail every time too: there will be moments of doubts. However, when those moments come, be reminded that God is not looking out for perfection and all He needs is a sincere heart that can say "Lord I believe (I have faith), help my unbelief (my lack of trust)" just as in mark 9:24. And He will do the rest.

4- Rest as a way to sustainably continue the journey 

As someone who used (in the past) to want to just get through my tasks, I have learned the hard way that rest is the only way to sustainably continue the journey. Just "wanting to be done" got me burned out, irritable and brought me to the brink of quitting things that I enjoy that required me to (unfortunately for me) pace myself. I have learn that quitting wasn't the solution to being burnout or overwhelmed: resting was. I have a very good friend of mine (more like a sister from another mother) whose motto is "no matter what you are going through in life, eat first" and to that I add "then sleep". I have come to realize for myself how detrimental a lack of sleep and rest is for me, what I have going on in life and my relationships. It goes without saying because it is straight up Biology. But we don't always realize that. Whenever I think of how far one can go when properly rested and rejuvenated, I think of Elijah's journey to Horeb as he was running for his life because of Jezebel. The Bible says in 1 kings 19: 1-9: 

"Now Ahab told Jezebel everything Elijah had done and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, "May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them." Elijah was afraid a and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again. The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” 8So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. 9There he went into a cave and spent the night.

One thing I believe about the Bible and the way it is written is that nothing is coincidental. 2 tim 3: 16 says "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness" and my personal belief is that the rest, the food and the power of God all played a role in Elijah's ability to walk 40 days and night- without stopping- to go meet God at Horeb. It is encouragement (to me at least) that resting and refueling is not a waste of time, but rather a necessity if we want to make it to the places we talk about with God. 

This is the end of the road for this article and this topic (for now) and this is what I will leave you with for this year. I hope (and pray) that in those words- whether from this article or from the ones that I published this year and before- you have found something that gave you hope, encouraged you and/or something that motivated you to either keep going or change the trajectory of your life for the better. 
I am grateful that no matter how long I am gone, I always find myself back to this place where my words go out to do what they do (I hope something good). I pray the rest of this year be kind to you and your loved ones and I leave you with this Irish blessing: 

"May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
May the rains fall soft upon your fields,
And, until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand."

Until next time, 

Reflections on transition seasons

“I am the LORD your God who brought you up out of the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide and I will fill it” Ps 81:10

Now this verse is not directly connected to what we will be talking about today, however, it is the theme behind how this article made it to the blog today. As the time approached to post on this platform, I started to brainstorm about what I was going write about. I had a couple of ideas but nothing that I felt settled about. So I started praying about it and asked God what was next. Then I stood still. I had started writing about transition and what it meant, how to navigate it, etc… The notes that I had were more in the contexts of conversation with my inner circle so I never really elaborated on the thoughts I jotted down. However, after I prayed about what to post, God redirected my attention to those notes. The topic of transition then started popping up: in church, conversations with friends and strangers, in my own life as things started to shift and change. It was clear what would be the next topic and here we are.

When we speak of transitions, generally we go immediately to the natural/physical seasons that we experience throughout the year (at least I do). Seasons are in order and succeed one another. The succession of seasons is not a clean cut, meaning april 20th it is 20 degrees Fahrenheit and snowing and as soon as April 21st comes it is now spring. No… It is a little more complex than that: yes by the calendar it is spring but things change gradually. There is an in-between place where it is not winter anymore but it is not yet spring: that is the transition. It is the place where what we used to do and know no longer works but what we are to do does not apply yet. Although there is no “transition season” on the calendar even though it very much exists, going through a transition in life is a season of its own and only God knows how much it lasts. Because it is a place where things are not easily discerned and there aren’t always word to explain what is going on, I thought perhaps I would share some of the things God helped me understand about transition seasons.

1- A transition season is a season to get closer to God

Because a transition season is the place between no longer and not yet, it is the space where flexibility and adaptability muscles are exercised. In our walk with God it is the place where we are to rely on God more than ever because we are leaving an old place and entering a territory we have never been before. We are entering a territory that is only known by God. As humans, we cannot comprehend things with our limited understanding or things seem to elude us, we tend to get creative to get to our “next” quicker when what we should be doing is trust/ lean on God (prov 3:5-6). 

2-Your attitude during the transition season determines how successfully you navigate it

A transition season is the space where we need to stay close to God to receive instruction and wisdom in order to navigate the transition successfully and not add to the time we are meant to go through it. Israel got out of Egypt and went through the wilderness prior to taking possession of Canaan, the promise land. The wilderness was their transition and it was actually planned by God (I know. Shocker. We’ll talk about God ordained wilderness another time). However, because they did not stay close to God (with their hearts postures and with their actions), what was supposed to be a transition of 40 days turned into 40 years. 

3- A transition season does not affect just you

I want to believe that not all the Israelites had the wrong heart posture, but one thing that is undeniable about their extended stay in the wilderness is how not having the proper posture in a transition season can affect the people around us. Yes, going through a transition might feel really intimate and personal, but one thing I have learned about life is that what I go through in life might be for me but rarely about me. Someone’s life, breakthrough, healing, deliverance, salvation, etc… is tied to my obedience and willingness to follow God’s instructions. My delay makes them incur delays that might be detrimental and cause them never to enter their promise land. 

4- A transition season is not a season of idleness

There is no greater lie about a transition season than that of being dressed up/referred to as a season of idleness. Yes there is not much that can be done in that season but it doesn’t mean that nothing is being done. God is too intentional for anything to ever be wasted with him. The greatest work being done in a transition season is the one that is not always immediately seen and/or felt and that is the internal one. The work that God does on our heart and our character. The transition season is a space of learning and unlearning: you let go/unlearn what no longer serves you and learn the new skills that will be useful for you as you enter your promised land. And if you have ever tried learning and unlearning anything in life, then you know how hard that can be. The ground work for the next season is laid in the transition season. It is far from being a season of idleness: it is the season where the most important work is done to ensure that the foundations that are laid can sustain the weight of what God is to entrust us with in the promised land. 

5-Life is still be to lived in the transition season

Because of how uncertain and up in the air things are in the transition season, a lot of us hold our breath, waiting for things to settle before we can exhale. But from my own personal experience, i can say that God times and times, reminded me that life is also worth being lived in the middle. Yes things might be uncertain but we serve a God that is certain because His word says that He is the same yesterday, today and forever (hen 13:8). He is still good, He is still merciful, He is still a provider, He is still all those things that His word says He is and He is still faithful to make a way for us when there seems to be no way. He is still faithful to make everything work out together for our good (Rom 8:28), even when we do not how it will happen. Because all of these things are true, we can live life in the transition season knowing that all his promises for us, all the things he has spoken over us will come to pass when the time is right (Isa 60:22). There is still beauty in the space between no longer and not yet, and as hard and tricky as it can be, it is worth being lived and honored. 

If you are going through a transition in life, I would like to encourage you to keep the faith and to keep going. Egypt might look attractive but remember what the Lord delivered you from. There is more ahead. There is better ahead so keep going. Keep pressing forward. Keep the faith and don’t look back. When the going gets hard, remember that “Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning” (Ps 30:5)

Until next time,

The Revelation Behind Rejection

I was reflecting lately on rejection and relationships. And obviously one thing that came to my mind is the saying “ you never know what you have until you have lost it” and for a while I used to scream amen to it until I came to terms with the fact that, while it is true (to some extent), they are some people in this world that have lost me and will never know what it means to have lost me. And the reason why they will never know that is because they never knew what they had in the first place. 

Knowing the magnitude of a loss comes with a revelation of what you had in the first place and what it represents for you, at a personal level. The very first place of the human revelation of receiving something good was with Adam when God gave him Eve. God made everything from the ground including man but when it came to the woman, she was made out of Adam's rib. Adam did not have a mirror and my guess is he didn’t know what he looked like. He didn’t know what Eve was made of or how she was made. And yet, when he woke up from the sleep God had put him under, He saw Eve and said : “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” (Gen 2:23). God didn’t tell Adam about his plan so how could he possibly know that she was made from him? I’d like to believe that there was a divine insight that Adam had that made him recognize what he had been given and what it represented for him. 

Outside of the realm of romantic relationships, I believe that the knowledge of how important people are to us and the importance of what they carry within themselves is a matter of revelation. And the way they treat us correlates to whether or not they have received that revelation. And you don’t go around telling people who/what you are to them: they have to find out for themselves. As a Christian, I believe that type of revelation/discernment is not common sense/ common knowledge but rather comes from walking closely with God (john 4:10)

When I understood that people’s ability to steward me properly was tied to the revelation of who I was to them, I realized that what they did and the way they acted towards was never personal. That’s also when the terms “rejection is God’s redirection” took a deeper meaning for me. And God led me to Matt 7:6 to understand what that means from a Biblical perspective. 

“Do not throw your pearls before pigs, for they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” 

Jesus’ analogy depicts what it looks like to invest something valuable (our time, emotions, gifts/talents, our own selves, etc…) into people and places that have no revelation of their/our value and that lack the stewardship skills to handle it properly. The end result is those things being trampled. I was curious about what happens when pigs trample things, so I went to look it up and this is what I found: 

“When pigs trample, they can cause significant damage to crops, fields, and other agricultural areas. They can destroy plants, damage fences, and even contaminate food sources, leading to financial losses and health risks. Additionally, their rooting and digging behavior can damage the soil structure, impacting long-term productivity.”

A lot of us are damaged and broken because we trusted people and spaces with valuable things about us that they were never meant to get a hold of and they trampled them. Jesus’ word is an invitation to discern our target audience. Not everyone is meant to hold the most sacred part of us. Not everyone is meant to have access to our hopes, dreams. I like to equate the most sacred and intimate parts of us to the Holy of Holy which was the innermost and most sacred chamber within the Tabernacle and then within the Temple that was built to the Lord. Back then the temple was a physical building, but now our bodies are the physical temple (1 co 6:19). So we ought to be diligent about who has access to us, to our hearts, to our lives, to our gifts. But most importantly we ought to be diligent about the places we dwell in, the tables we sit at and the companies we choose to entertain. 

Understanding those things helped me to not dwell too much on longing for the tables I used to sit at that God flipped, the relationships that God severed so the right connections can be made and the doors God closed so that I could walk through the ones He opened for me. That revelation is itself didn’t necessarily make things easy but it made it easier: easier to mourn properly, easier to not ruminate day in and day out and constantly ask "why?", easier to move on, easier to see things for what they were instead of longing for things/people that were nothing but a construct of my mind because I projected onto those places and people the God/Godly characteristics that I carried but didn't always received back. 

My invitation to you is to think about the people and the places that welcome you and value you: all of you, not just what you bring but also who you are, and the people and places that don’t; and to decide where you would rather cast your pearls. The most precious pearl of all (Jesus) was given to the world so that you would know how valuable you are. There is a place for you, a seat prepared, people that you are and will be an answered prayer to. Your target audience is out there and I pray that in due time, you find it and that it finds you.

Until next time,

“We fall down, but we get up”

A little while ago, I took a tumble in church. Right after service as I was heading downs­tairs to fellowship. And when I say a tumble, I am not talking about a cute fell-on-my-butt-slid-down-the-stairs type of moment: It was a full fumble as in rolled like a ball down the stairs. Thankfully I was not injured and there were people that made sure I was okay & did not hurt myself at the bottom of the stairs. Passed the chaos, Shock , fear , surprise & adrenaline rush, I laid on the floor for a while. I was not injured, just comfortable. People tended to me, checked that I was Indeed not hurt. Got me food, water, asked me if I was okay, we cracked a few jokes then I made my way home.

As I got home & sat in my car for a while, I felt the embarrassment rise. But instead of pushing it down, I got curious about it. Probably for the first time in my life. So I took it to God and asked Him why I felt that way. And I want to share w/ you what He said and some of the lessons I took away from it. when I asked God why I felt embar­rassed His response was" because you are more worried about how people see & perceive you than /now you truly are". Talk about an accurate read from the Holy Spirit. And it was absolutely true. People were worried about my wellbeing after seeing how serious that fall was, and there I was ,worried about what people thought of me / how their percep­tion of me would be altered after that. The Lord then led me to understand that had that fall been as serious as it could have been, being embarrassed would have been the very least of my worries. And here are the lessons that God wanted me to take away from that teachable moment:

1- You are focused on the wrong things.

When we focus too much on how people will see us / what they will think of us, we are not in a space where we can fully embrace what God wants to do in our lives. Not only that, We do not allow ourselves to show up authentically so God can use us at the measure at which He desires to do so. The Bible says in 1 Sam 16: 7:" For man looks at the out­ward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart." the worry of the appearance is an issue of Pride more than anything else. God wanted me to realize that at the core of my P. R campaign there was only one thing and it wasn't him. And that needed to be fixed.

2- Don't get too comfortable in your fallen state. 

To fall is not the issue, to remain in that state is the problem. When I was laying on the floor after that fall, people started to worry about me being injured and unable to get up. I told them that I wasn’t injured: just comfortable; and that's why I was still on the floor. And to be comfortable in that state for too long is a dangerous place to be in (spiritually, mentally and emotionally). No one is immune to falling, but after we have fallen, our goal should be to work on getting back up and continue to walk instead of throwing in the towel and saying "what is the point of this any way?!". And it might take time for you to get back up again and you know what? It's okay. And you might need some help to get back on your feet. And guess what? yup! that is also okay because God never created Man to do life alone. Which leads to the final lesson.

3- Allow others to help you

Life has forced me into a state of hyperindependence. It took a while for me to come to terms w/ the fact that it was a trauma response rooted is disappointment, hurt, betrayal and a symptom of my lack of trust in other people and also God. Because if there is one thing I believe in, it's that wise word from Ms Iyanla Vanzant that says "If you do it somewhere, you do it everywhere". And surely enough God was not an exception to the practice of my hyper independence: I am still learning everyday to ask God & people for help and to actually allow them to help me. And let me be the first one to tell you that getting the help you need and ask for is life changing. And wouldn't want to go back to my old ways even if I could. Is it hard? Yes. But is it worth it? Absolutely! 

Life is not perfect, neither are we. There will be moments in life like the one I described in this post that highlights the things that God wants us to lay down, the things He wants to work out of us so that we can be who He as called us to be. Fully & authentically with nothing holding us back. So I pray that when you find yourself in these moments, that instead of pulling away, you will lean in & make space for God to move & make you new because on the other side of your yes to that invitation to lean in, there is more thriving & less striving. There is greater & there is better.

Until next time,

 

Don’t Let The Story End With Shame

Shame is no stranger to me and I’m sure to a lot of you out there, reading that article today. I’ve lived shame, lived in it, been shamed and sometimes wrapped my identify around the shame that I was feeling. And I still sometimes do. I think the biggest problem about shame is not only what it makes us think we are, but also what it makes us feel we are not and will never be able to be (or do). My curiosity about wanting to understand my shame and find out what it was all about happened when I started listening to Brené Brown; but  the reckoning and the rumbles started when I dived into the book Rising Strong. At random moments during my journey through this book and my own personal journey navigating shame and guilt, I have pondered what were the odds that out of all the books that I have, I would specifically be reading this one, at this very moment; right when I’m caught in an internal (and external) shame sh-tstorm.

I have once heard someone very close to me say that people who do bad things should be shamed however, my own experience with shame has taught me that unless there is a personal desire to change and use it as a defining turning point in life, shaming someone never makes them a better person. Shaming leads to pain and isolation. Shaming leads to despair. Shaming leads to hopelessness. Shame doesn’t make better people. Accountability does. Speaking the truth does. Empathy does. Giving people a safe space to share their story does. Doing your best to help and support with the generous assumption- to quote Brené Brown- that people are doing their best does.

I do not believe that shame makes better people, I believe that shame if pushed on people for a long time and hard enough, has the potential to literally and figuratively end their stories, not reshape them.

There have been moment in my life where I might not have verbally shamed people but I certainly did by the behaviors I exhibited towards them and by the approach of life I had. I walked the earth- especially as a Christian- portraying that Hollier-than-thou attitude when the truth is that attitude was more of a sin than someone who secretly (or openly) struggled with shame and leaned on God to find their way out of what was the root of the shame.

The reason why shame has such a big impact on us is because it directly correlates to our sense of worthiness and our identity vs just our ability to "just do". The shame of making a mistake will shift our monologue from “I made a mistake” to “what is wrong with me” or “I am so dumb/ stupid” etc… Shame has such a big impact because we tend to assimilate with it and Brené Brown put it better than I could ever explain in words when she said: “ I did a bad thing so I am a bad person” to illustrate the difference between shame and guilt.

When I think of shame, there are two people from the Bible immediately come to my mind : Mary Magdalene and Peter. One labelled by shame before meeting Christ and the other labelled and probably plagued by it after denying Jesus. What I like about those two in particular is that they did not let the weight of their shame truncate their destinies and their stories. Mary Magdalene before meeting Jesus was a prostitute. And I am sure after rallying with Jesus a lot of people still referred to her by her wrong and the subject of her shame while Jesus and God referred to her by her name. Peter was the one about which Jesus said : “ And I say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church; and the gates of Hades (death) will not overpower it [by preventing the resurrection of the Christ].” Matt 16:18. Jesus knew already that Peter was going to deny him but He still made that declaration on Peter. He went further and told him :“Simon, stay on your toes. Satan has tried his best to separate all of you from me, like chaff from wheat. Simon, I’ve prayed for you in particular that you not give in or give out. When you have come through the time of testing, turn to your companions and give them a fresh start.” Luke 22:32. And although I had never thought of it this way, I want to think maybe Jesus wanted Him to have something to hold onto so that he wouldn’t be taken out by shame. Maybe Jesus wanted Him to have something to hold onto when the thoughts “ I am a bad person, I am not worthy” stormed him so that he would be reminded that he still has purpose; so that he would be reminded that shame is not the end and that even if we had a choice, we wouldn't let it be the end. I think Jesus wanted to remind him that his humanity would fail him but it would not be enough to stop God’s sovereign plan or change God’s mind about him or the mission He gave him.

If you are wrestling with shame know that it can be a turning point, a defining moment in life or it could be the end but only if you let it. You might feel like the worst human being on this earth for one reason or another, you might feel like you are not even worthy of being on this earth but know that God has you here for a purpose. You are accounted for in God’s Sovereign plan, He loves you and can turn what you see as a mess into a masterpiece. Nothing can make you fall out of God’s hands. And although you might be going through the storm and weeping, know that there is hope on the other side. Lean onto God, find safe people to shine light onto the darkness in which shame reigns and trust that as long as you are willing to let God write your story, you will get to the other side of this storm. I might not know a lot but one thing I know for sure, is that God is a redeemer. 

Until next time,

The test of obedience or the hidden hardship in simplicity

“The path of obedience to God is simple, yet often the hardest road to walk—requiring both trust and surrender.”– Unknown

                                    

Hello and welcome back to another article. You thought I was going to fall into the usual pattern and leave you hanging again huh? Well hopefully this year is the year of consistency and new beginnings where I will try my best (by God’s grace) to keep this train choo-chooing. 

This particular article is a testament to how God has a great sense of humor. I have always said that the words that I write here minister to me first before they go out into this world to do what they do. Or sometimes they minister to me later when I go through seasons where those words make sense and resonnate. But one thing is for sure, these words are also for me. And this article here is not any different. It is almost midnight, and as I type those words I am exhausted. After a very long day, my plan was to wrap up the day and start unwinding to go to bed but God had a simple instruction for me: put those words in writing. Simple right? Right. However just because the instruction was simple, doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard to execute. The tiredness in my body made it hard for me to walk in obedience but here we are. 

As I was going about my day today, God had already started to plant the seed of what this article was going to be about. He led me into the book of 2 kings 5 which narrates the story of how Naaman, a very influential man got healed but almost missed out on his miracle because the instruction was too simple for his liking. Long story short (you should really read for yourself): Naaman had leprosy, one of his servant (a young girl) said : “hey, there is a Prophet in Samaria, he would heal my master if he would just go see him”. Naaman took that information to the king and the king gave him permission to go. Once Naaman went to Samaria, he was expected to be received by Elisha with the highest honors but to his dismay,  Elisha didn’t even come out to see him: he sent someone else to give him the instruction that would unlock his miracle. He got upset and wanted to return home but “But his officers tried to reason with him and said, ‘Sir, if the prophet had told you to do something very difficult, wouldn’t you have done it? So you should certainly obey him when he says simply, ‘Go and wash and be cured!’. So Naaman went down to the Jordan River and dipped himself seven times, as the man of God had instructed him. And his skin became as healthy as the skin of a young child, and he was healed!” (2 kings 5: 13-14)

This is a perfect example of how we miss out on miracles because we judge God’s instruction too simplistic and yet, there is a hidden hardship in it: the test of obedience. As humans, we all for the most part, are wired to like a challenge and to question the simple stuff. And that is where the difficulty is for us. We tend to associate simple with ease when most of the time, they couldn’t be further away from each other because of our sinful nature, because of pride or because life experiences have skewed our view of of life (“it cannot be that easy”, “that’s a trap”, “what is the catch?”, etc…) 

We are so used to the hard things that the simplicity of God in the way he requires for us to do things throws us in for a loop. But it is really as we sit and practice what He is asking of us or go from a place of hearing to doing, that we realize that the simple things are in fact not easy and require from us humility and the grace of God in order to obey and take hold of our miracles. Sometimes, we miss out because the miracle does not come wrapped in the packaging we want or it does not look like a rubic’s cube. And so we overlook it or look at what God is presenting to us as the blueprint as beneath us, when in fact, it does come with the perfect level of challenge that we need to rise to the next level. As someone that has been in the biotech industry for years now and that has worked in the lab, big repairs are important but it is the fine tuning and calibration of instruments that makes a big and noticeable difference in the quality of the output. And sometimes, the “simple things” that God requires from us are the things that produce the difference that we so long for.

“So what are you saying?” What I am saying is : sometimes it is not about praying for two hours or fasting 40 days. Yes they are great things to practice, however, if they do not come from and align with obedience, I am afraid you are missing the point. I will leave you with this: if you are have been praying and asking God : “Lord what’s next?” And what you have been hearing from God is either the same instruction or crickets, make sure you stop, go back and check that you have done the last thing God has asked you to do. And if you think it is too simple, maybe you are missing the point again. It is not about how simple or complicated it is, it is about our pride and how hard it is to submit to God because we think we are above certain things. The fine tuning of the heart posture is the most important process a believer can go through because the posture of the heart determines the outcomes of a lot of things in life (prov 4:23)

I pray and hope these words blessed you in the ways God intended for them to. 

Until next time,

A Note On Grief

Hello and happy new year. I have been gone for a while and as timid as my re-entry on this platform is, I do home that the time that has passed since my last post on here and now has treated you well. If not, well just know that you are not alone. You are probably reading this and gone back to the title and wondered why is my first post of the year and my first post after being away for so long is one on grief. What an odd way to reenter the conversation. Well, maybe it is but maybe it isn't because grief is cuch an ever present thing in our life. An elephant in the room that people acknowledge (reluctantly) but dare not to speak about past the acknowledgement. I might not have lived long years on this earth but i know a thing or two about grief. Grief is what 2024 was made of for me. Not the entirety of 2024. But I dare say a big part of it. 

Grief is such a weird thing… Like a fog that wraps its arms around you. A heaviness that sits on your chest and on your eyes… The bags under them, puffy and so noticeable, being the sign of something that can never be explained or understood unless you have been through it, unless you have lived through it. It’s the scream that you can never let out. The one that you choke on through silent tears at night and sometimes during the day, when you need to keep moving through life but you have to keep excusing yourself to the bathroom so you can ride the wave of tears that hit you out of nowhere. Ride the waves not because you want to, as if not riding it was an option… But because you need to in order to keep your sanity. But also because those moments where you get to break and let it all out are the reason why you are still standing. A little over a year ago, I watched a movie called Love again and and it is about life after grief. From the time the clock stops when we start mourning to the moment life picks up it’s normal pace and we stop feeling stuck or moving forward in slow motion.

I remember once having a chat with one of my former bosses about grief and a post she saw on LinkedIn. The post was a picture of a ball in a jar. At first the ball took the majority of the space in the jar, but then it seemed as if it was shrinking. But then there were a few words about how grief doesn’t shrink but how our lives (the jar) keep getting bigger in comparison to the grief (the ball). The jar gets bigger through the new connections we make, the memories, the new experiences as we live life on the other side of grief. They don’t make grief any less significant or any less painful and if you have once thought about someone that passed a long time ago and still got teary eyed, you know about this. They just give us something to hold onto. Something to give us traction in life. Something to anchor ourselves to so that when the waves hit out of nowhere, our ship can still remain on the sea of life and not drift away when the pain, sadness and sorrows of the present moment make us lose sight of tomorrow. There is something about loss and grief, whether it's people, dreams and/or missed opportunities in life, that remind us of how small and frail we are in the scheme or things. But in these moments of grief, heartbreak and deep loss, I was also reminded as a believer of how big and strong my God is. I was reminded that a God that can hold the hold universe in his hands, can and will carry me in his hands too. A God so strong can carry me but He can also carry a pain that threatens to crush me minute by minute effortlessly. And it is because He is that strong that Peter invites us to cast all of our cares on him because He cares for us (1 Pe 5:7)

Time waits for no one but there is no time limit on grief. You can’t outrun it, you cannot fake strength through it. All you can do is go through it, one day at a time, sometimes standing and sometimes kneeling, until the needles of your clock start moving again and you can start walking towards the rest of your life, on the other side. All you can do is give it to God, moment by moment and ride the wave knowing that you are never alone and never will be alone in the boat for God is an ever present help in times of trouble (Ps 46:1) and a God who has made a promise to never leave our side (Mat 28:20)

This might be a bit of a glooming and heavy way to open this year on here but I wanted to encourage someone today. You are not alone and thought grief never really completely goes away, life does get better. The boulder that grief represents doesn't get lighter, just easier to move as time goes by. If you have lost someone close to your heart, or even a dream or something that had so much weight in your life, so much so that the loss and the grief knocked the wind out of you, know that you are seen. Know that you are not alone. I hope and pray things turn up for your and that life gifts you with a jar that widens to make room not only for your grief but also for all the other beautiful things that await for you on the other side of it. Because the truth is grief never leaves us: we just learn to live with it.

Sending you hope, prayers and good thoughts for your journey to the other side of grief.

With love and comfort,

Can You Be Thankful For The Rain?

I was listening to a recognition speech by Iyanla Vanzant and she opened her address by being grateful. As most of us would do, she presented the good things she was grateful for. But she also added to her list the things that most of us would have concealed or not brought up as there is probably nothing to be grateful about when it comes to them. At least that is my opinion. And her ability to speak on those things and say she is grateful for them prompted this article. And although the words that I am using is different, it is still about the posture of the heart and the ability to look beyond the negativity that could be associated with the things we go through in life. I have a habit of saying that the words that write minister to me first before they go out in this world and do what they do. And this article right here is no exception.

We all love the beautiful flowers we get in the spring, but not all of us appreciate the rain that allows them to grow and bloom and bring about the beautiful bouquets that we gift people just because or on special occasions. We love the beautiful gardens that we tend to and take so much pride in but we are not too keen on the weather inconveniences when the sky turns gray and it starts pouring. But the rain in life represents the things that sometimes wash away our hopes (or reveals it when all the impurities are gone), the rain represents things in our life that interrupt the “good flow” that we were experiencing. But it is also the water that refreshes, the water that brings life, the water that makes the soil soft enough so that whatever has been planted can breakthrough and come to the surface. More often than not we complain when the rain hits our life. We complain of the rainy reasons that we go through not understanding what lies on the other side of it. We complain about the rainy season because we look mostly at what we are loosing not realizing that yes, there might be loss, but there is also what is being flushed, carried away with the rain so that it will not poison the new that is about to come. God is the creator of all elements and all seasons; and everything He allows in our life has a purpose. It is sometimes painful and most of the time it doesn’t make sense, but one thing remains: there is goodness in ALL He does.

In my times of trouble, I always go back to the book of Job. Not because I want to be like him but because I am always intrigued by how he handled the greatest raining season of his life: trials and tribulations came down pouring. And when everyone around him, including his wife, advised against him sticking by God, he said: "We accept good things from God. So we should also accept trouble when he sends it" (Job 2:10). Job had it all and when the rain of trials and tribulations came and he lost everything, his posture remained the same. He blessed God because, even though he didn’t understand why he was going through all that he went through, he understood that there was purpose in it. He understood that we cannot just praise God and be okay when things are good: we also need to remain in same posture when the sun isn’t shinning anymore and it is pouring.

There is a song by Maverick city Music that I really like and it’s titled : Promises. It is one of the songs that I listen to most to because there is a part of the bridge that goes like this:

Yes, I'll still bless You

In the middle of the storm, in the middle of my trial

I'll still bless You

In the middle of the road, when I don't know where to go

I'll still bless You (yeah)

In the middle of my storm, in the middle of my trial

I'll still bless You (yeah)

When I'm in the middle of the road and I don't know which way to go

I'll still (I'll still bless You)

I'll still bless You

and then it goes on to say :

I'll still bless You, oh (I'll still bless You)

I've got a reason to bless You, yeah

I've got a reason to bless You (I'll still bless You)

I've got a reason to bless Your name

You've been faithful, You've been faithful (I'll still bless You)

You've been so good to me, You've been so good

I love this so much because it speaks of the places I have been in life and it speaks to the struggles I am still facing in my journey with Christ. It is not always sunshine sometimes it rains hard but God’s goodness doesn’t stop when it rains: just as his love is enduring, so is his goodness.

I want to leave you with this: do you remember what happened after is rained on the earth for 40 nights and 40 days? Well if you don’t let me remind you. it says in Gen 8:1-2 that “God remembered Noah and all the animals, wild and tame, that were with him in the ark. So God made a wind sweep over the earth, and the waters began to subside. The fountains of the abyss and the floodgates of the sky were closed, and the downpour from the sky was held back.” 

I want you to keep in your heart the words “God remembers”. When going through a rainy and trying season, it is VERY easy and also normal to wonder if God forgot about us. But I want you to hold onto these words as a reminder that God remembers… He always does. how do I know? He says so Himself in Isaiah 49:16.

'But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me,

the Lord has forgotten me.”

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast

and have no compassion on the child she has borne?

Though she may forget,

I will not forget you!

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;

your walls are ever before me.”'

God has your name engraved in the palms of his hands. He has not forgotten you. Never has and never will. So I pray you will hold on a little longer because on the other side of the rain, there is sunshine, there is growth and there is restauration. If you ever find yourself out of words or prayers you can say to God as you go through the rain, maybe just say “thank you God for the rain. And thank you for what is coming after the rain is over”. God will see you through and when the time is right, He will turn things around for you. So be encouraged.

Until next time, 

Make Yourself Home But Don't Get Too Comfortable

I used to believe that the ultimate test of a human being’s character was taking everything away from them. Then I came to realized that just as scarcity reveals a person true colors, so does abundance. So over time, I found myself disagreeing more about the statement “things got better for them and they changed”. The truth is they never changed: who they really were got revealed.

Years ago, God took me on a journey. It was the rumbling: I was tested in the season of “not having” and through it all, I held on to the confession of my faith as best as I could. It is not to say that I was all perfect in my walk. Far from that. I stumbled. I wrestled with my faith. I had beef at times with God but I always went back to the one place that I knew for a fact was always safe for me: God’s presence. Just right there, at the foot of the cross. And I waited. I waited for prayers to be answered. I waited for the breakthrough. And it came. It took 13 years but it came. It felt like forever when I was in the midst of it and yet when the floodgates of heaven opened, the blessings came rushing all at once. Something only God knows how to do. It feels like only not too long ago I was saying “But God… When? What about me?” to now praising as God ushered me into the season I was praying relentlessly for.

And now, my prayer has changed. I am no longer worried about the lack. I am worried that being ushered in season of rest and refreshment will make me too comfortable and cause me to forget that there is still a road to travel. Not too long ago during a prayer night at my church, someone brought up the story of Elijah at the brook. And as I stood in my kitchen, thinking about these here words, it came back to my mind and my inner prayer was : “God don’t let me get so comfortable with where I’m at in life that I forget you still need me to go places because there is still a mission”. Bold and scary right? I know... But it was important for me to keep in mind that the purpose of a place of refreshment is to refresh yourself, to replenish, to revive. I looked it up and found a definition that I like better and that is more fitting for the theme of this article. It said to refresh is to restore strength. And it is exactly what God did for Elijah at the brook: He had water and the ravens brought him food (bread and meat) in the morning and at night. Homeboy had two free, square meals, free water, he had down time and nobody was bothering him. As an introvert this is a dream. But then, the brook dried up and God instructed Elijah go to Zarephath where He had instructed a widow to take care of him. Knowing myself and how I am, I know for a fact that the only reason I would move into the next season of my life is because God would have made the one that I am in unbearable. I have a hard time with transitions and change so it is not something that I would do willingly; and if I did, I would lose precious time overthinking the move even if the word came from God. Having been through that before (because it’s seems to be God’s Modus Operandi that works best on me) I started to pray that prayer. I started to pray for a spirit that is keen on obeying and moving when it’s time because comfort is attractive. And as attractive as it is, it is also one of the biggest reasons why most people, myself included, would settle for a fraction of what God has in store for us. It is never easy to leave comfort: think about how hard it is to leave your bed in the morning; not to mention a life fully sponsored by God (Elijah was living the life!). As much as I want to believe that Elijah would have obeyed God without batting an eye if He had said "move!", there is a lot less to think about when God tells you to move especially when: 1) moving when the situation you find yourself in is less than ideal; and 2) it is more beneficial for you to be on the move because God has already made arrangements for where He needs you next.

These past years, the idea that my life (and the goodness that is birthed from being pressed through trials) is not all about me is sinking in more and more. Just like the move wasn’t solely about Elijah, I am coming to the realization that I can be selfish if I want to but, because this mission that I am on is way bigger than me and what I want, God will find a way to keep me moving. Why? Because someone’s breakthrough and miracle is connected to me and a delay on my part can have a ripple effect. And as much as you can argue with God about picking someone else to fulfill the mission He put you onto, there are some missions that God cannot pick someone else for. How do I know? Look at the story of Moses when God picked him! He basically told God “with all due respect? pick someone else!” (in a very paraphrased, Black Living Translation version). And what did God do? He made him go still but was kind enough to give Moses a spokesman (Aaron). God has a sense of humor... Kinda... God insisted on Moses going because that mission could only be fulfilled by him. No one else. 

I want to close with this: the Bible says “weeping may endure for a night but Joy comes in the morning” (Ps 30:5). Nothing is permanent. And whatever you are going through, know that “this too shall pass”. However, I pray that when all the trials, tribulations and sorrows pass, two things remain in you:  the love of God and the awareness that you are still on a mission. And the mission only ends when we take our last breath and transition into the Glory to be with God. And you may ask “what is my mission?” Well the common mission as Christians is to further the Kingdom of God on this earth but the one that God has personally assigned to you is one that you will have to go to God about and find out for yourself. And my prayer is that you do find out what it is and that you run that race to the end well. My prayer is that you run it so well that when you meet your creator, the words that He welcomes you with are :“Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord” (Matt 25:23).

Until then, “...May the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you” (1 Pe 5:10-11)

The Brady Effect: Yes, You Can Come Back From That

Years ago I had freshly entered a relationship with someone I had strong feelings for and felt strongly about. I had known him for a couple of years and my family knew him too before we got together. And at that time, I remember having a conversation with a very good friend of mine and telling her I hope that relationship works because I didn’t think I would recover if things didn’t work. And her immediate response was “don’t say that. You can always recover and bounce back from anything. You think you cannot but when you are confronted with life and your only choice is to keep moving you will find the strength. Don’t let your life or story end because someone decides to go.” And as life would have it, things didn’t work. And I was devastated. But what I realized later, through the tears, was that my friend was right. I bounced back. From that heartbreak and from the ones that ensued. One after the other.

My inspirations usually come from videos. And the one for this article is no different. I watched a man speak about losing his wife 41 days after their marriage. I watched him speak about how he had to pull the plug on his wife and watch her take her last breath. I also watched him talk about the Brady effect: about how as long as you still have time on your clock you can make a comeback at ANY time. The journey of resiliency is tiring. And over the years, I became increasingly scared of sitting with my feelings or confronting situations head on because I thought if I got under, I don’t know that I will be able to come out the other side. But time and time again, life and God proved me that there was no other possibility than to come out the other side. Sure some days and times, it took more from me to come out the other side. Some days I had to fight harder and kick harder but in the end I always made it. I always made a comeback.

It reminded me that I am wired for it. It reminded me that everytime I think I do not have it in me anymore to fight or to move, I still have a little bit left to give the final big push that will get my head out of the water so that I can take another big, deep breath to keep swimming until I can safely get to the shore. The Brady effect… Such a powerful imagery of how anything is possible even until the very last minute. Such a powerful analogy of how at any given moment you can tilt the scale to the other side and come back on top of things again. Such a powerful analogy to say the simple thing: while the clock is running keep running for “this too shall pass”. The pain will pass. The tears will pass. The feeling of hopelessness and helplessness will pass. The night will pass…

Joseph went from being in a prison to being elevated to one of the highest ranks in egypt. Psalms 30:5 says “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning”. He understood that. Now the Bible doesn’t say much about Joseph mental or emotional state while waiting for the tides to turn for him; but I can only imagine that there might have been days where he wanted to give up and I wouldn’t blame him. But he sat tight, and kept going knowing that in the end, what God had revealed, somehow would come to pass. It took years before the tide finally turned but it did. And it did because he didn’t give up.

My hope for you as I write this article is that you don’t give up. I do not know why my theme lately revolves around encouraging you to hold on. Perhaps it is an encouragement to my own soul, I do not know… My prayer however is that it also encourages someone. It is not late. You are not late. It is not over for you. You still have time on your clock and you can still make a comeback if you would just hold on and keep going. I am rooting for you. You got this.

Skin In The Game

I stumbled upon a video on Instagram not too long ago by a young woman and she said something that hit home for me, something that tugged at the strings of my heart and made me want to write this article here.

She said "when do I get the chance to just be genuinely happy and not hurting all the time? When do I get the change to have things go right for me? I’m doing everything right! What is the point? What is the point of even trying anymore? It doesn’t F*ing work! What’s the point? When do I get to be happy?"

It hit home to be because I remember being there. I remember that, even though I was happy for people in my life walking into their seasons of blessings before me, I kept feeling that sting and asking God what about me? I remember what felt like to me doing the right things, and saying the right things in hopes that God will “reward me” but He didn’t. I still was in the waiting room. And soon, I looked around and I was the only one in the waiting room. At least that’s what it felt like to me. And then recently, I saw another video that put things into perspective for me. Still on Instagram and way before I saw the video that prompted this article, I saw a young woman that spoke about how she did the right things thinking it would yield the results she wanted. And she expanded more about her frustration and going to God about it and how God opened her eyes on what she was doing. God called her out on how she was trying to manipulate Him and how, if things had gone the way she wanted based on her own efforts, she would have made a “recipe for success” instead of crediting her breakthrough/ blessings on God.

So many times I listened to people’s recipes for success and tried to apply them to my life, only to be unsuccessful and disappointed. I also manipulated God not because I genuinely wanted to, but because I grew up on a version of love that was transactional. If I gave people what they wanted/ expected from me, then I got love in return or I got what it was that I wanted. I learned to perform to "earn" love or to earn the things that I wanted in life. So it only felt natural to operate with God the way I had always operated growing up. But God had to undo that. There was a work that God had to do in me to make me understand that me walking into the blessings he had for me was not contingent on things that I was or was not doing. He had to make me realize just like that young woman that there is no recipe for success outside of him: He was the recipe for success. He was the sauce, drip, the whole meal and everything in between. 

What I have also learned is that there is a moment where you have to trust and lean fully into God and into doing the work with no strings attached. You have to stop tripping on how long it is taking for the tide to turn around. And it is one of the hardest things to do because when you are in the midst of the healing storm where everything is turned upside down, you are holding on by a thread. You are holding your breath and hoping that every sunrise will bring the breakthrough only to discover with every sunset that it is yet another breakdown, upset and heartbreak. That is one of the most difficult spaces to be in. When I stopped keeping track of how long it had been since things had gone well for me, when started doing the work and started to show up not just for the end goal but for the process itself, things shifted. Not everything that I wanted came to pass. In fact, I'm still in the waiting room for some of the things that I am earnestly praying ang hoping for. But I have earned a patient confidence which is something that I definitely didn’t have before. I am now in place where I understand that me doing the right things doesn’t not guarantee that the "thing" (whatever that thing is) will happen, nor does it guarantee that it will happen when I want it to happen. And I am practicing being okay being in that space. There are still times where I want to give up, because like that lady said “what is the point?” but then I remember that what I am going through might not be just for me or about me: it might be the blueprint for someone’s life that I will cross path with, who will need my story to overcome the hardship in their lives. Maybe one day, my story and the story of how I endured and overcame will be the lifesaving best that will keep them afloat in the middle of the sea storm of their life. Everyday that I want to give up and throw the towel in, I remind myself that if I stop showing up, I might be the reason why someone’s destiny is never fulfilled and never lives up to the full potential God has set it to be at. It sounds silly but when you think about how many people where inspired to be on the path of greatness they are on today simply because someone’s way of living inspired them!? you realize that it really might be a possibility that someone’s breakthrough and destiny are dependent on whether or not you show up, whether or not you do the work until you get the breakthrough.

If you feel like giving up, I want to encourage you today. In the words of Nancy Vericker "don’t give up 5 minutes before the miracle". It can happen any minute now but if you quit, you will not see it! All you need is to outlast your troubles by one day. Keep showing up and do the work. You've come too far to give up now. Stop tripping on how long it’s taking: just show up. Trust the process and in due time, the tide will turn. I hope when you want to give up, when you ask yourself “what’s the point anyway?” after doing the right things day after day and feeling like it's not worth it, you remember that whether you might be aware or not, someone is watching you. I hope you realize and remember that perhaps the reason why it is taking so long for you to get to the top, is because it's not just about you. You are carrying more than yourself. You are carrying more than just your hopes, dreams, aspirations and breakthrough: you are carrying the generations after you and those whose destinies are connected to you. You got skin in the game and you can't back out now. Not for you. Not for them because whether you believe it or not, YOU might be the reason why someone is still in the fight for their life. YOU might be the reason why someone is doing the right thing. YOU might be the reason why they get a breakthrough they never thought they could ever get in life. YOU might be someone’s reason why. So keep going. I'm rooting for you. You got this.

Until next time,

Authenticity: The Way Back To The True self & The Answer To The Riddle Of Love, Acceptance, and Belonging

About a month ago, the Bishop at my church touched briefly on the subject of identity during his sermon. He said that the enemy uses three ways to make us create a false sense of identity: what we do, what we have and what people say of us.

I couldn’t relate more to what he said because these three things have been the crux of my identity growing up, well into my late twenties and the identity crisis that ensued. I remember when my identity crisis started. I remember when God started taking those things away one by one. I remember when I lost my job, when I lost most of what I had and when all I thought I had going, what was left of my identity, was what people said of me. But I also remember how God pulled the rug from under me and how when all these things were gone, my sense of self came tumbling down. I remember how lost I was when I didn’t have any of these things. I felt like a stranger to myself. It was the end of who I thought I was and the beginning of the crusade to really find out who I truly I am. My identity crisis led me to the foot of the cross. 

See I grew up doing not being: that’s where I found my sense of self. And when I wasn’t doing, the only way of "being" that I knew of, what being everything to everyone else. Somehow I learned growing up that performing was the way to earn love, not being because who I was was not deserving of love or acceptance. So I stepped into people’s needs, performed and gave every last bit of myself in exchange for love, affection and acceptance. But what I realized is that the void and brokenness that I experienced inside didn’t shrink: it grew bigger. So did my insecurities. The imposter syndrome was always looming. I was constantly plagued with a sense of not belonging no matter where I was even when I did belong. When good things happened to me I didn’t feel deserving because I would think I didn’t do enough to deserve it. It showed in the opportunities I went for in life and even in the relationships I went into: my non-existent self esteem and life long identity crisis highly impacted every aspect of my life. I felt lonely and isolated even when surrounded, loved and cherished by people because deep down, I felt like nobody really knew me: people knew who I was when I was around them. This was a teachable moment about integrity. I had always thought of integrity as living a double life, especially as a Christian. I thought not living a life of integrity was pledging my allegiance to Christ while still dancing with the devil and flirting with sin. And although I did do those things (transparency moment), God also made me realize that integrity is just being one person and not morphing into a different person out of a need for approval, belonging or love. God made me realize that integrity is the consistency of the testimony of people about me. And I understand that different people have access to different layers of us depending of how close we are to them, but that is not what I am talking about here. What I am talking about is being a whole different person because I had learned that when you become what people want, then they give you love. 

Performance love and my identity crisis have taught me in  painful ways that a) some people sometimes disguise their abuse into “love” because they see your desperation for love, acceptance and belonging and b) when you perform, people fall in love with who you are to them and what you do instead of the real you. The collapsing of my false sense of identity has led me back to God. And He made me understand that the love that I performed my whole life for, was already given (john 3:16). I just didn’t believe that I was worthy of it so I settled for what I could control so that I could feel safe and worthy because it was all dependent on my doing. If what I said sounds wild and makes absolutely no sense, you are absolutely right to feel that way because as I write these words it makes absolutely zero sense to me too. 

But why am I writing these words, you might wonder? Well... I am writing these words because I recently got back into the flow of writing again and I got caught up with the need to perform for acceptance, validation and belonging. The insecurities really creeped up on me: I got stuck into a writing block because I thought that I had to impress people, forgetting that my self worth and sense of identity is no longer tied to anything but God’s love for me. And so after hours of torture, not being able to settle on what to post, I did what I know how to do best: share something personal and relatable that would encourage someone instead of fluff designed to impress.

Starting over is hard as it brings me back to the humble beginnings and the early hours of this blog. But I am making a conscious effort to remind myself that the reason why this blog was created in the first place is not to impress but to create a space where people feel encouraged, uplifted; a place where they can gather and let go of the judgments they have about themselves as they realize that there is someone (me) out there that shares their struggles. 

I am still very early in my authenticity journey: I am learning to sit comfortably with myself without any distraction and accept that it’s okay to not belong in every circle, crew, place and lives; and it’s okay that not everybody belongs in mine. I am learning to dig deeper and to pull myself out of the stuff that, at some point defined me but ended up burying the real me. I am on a mission to find out who I really am: outside of the titles, the stuff and the fluff as well as the things people say about me. Not that I have a bad testimony as a person but the criticism and "opinions" people have of me weight as equally (if not more!) in the balance than the good stuff. I am learning to have a solid experience and testimony of who I am within me, for me before I can go out to the world and live it everyday. I am unlearning a lot before I can learn how to be (God's way) and build a solid foundation for my identity. It is a lot of work on the daily basis and sometimes I feel like giving up but I am still showing up, day after day (discipline) and I know in the end it will be worth it.

Today's world and culture is teaching us that who we are is not enough. You do not have to take my word for it: you can scroll social media. We are taught to be like everyone else and where being authentic used to be something to be proud of, it is now the thing that makes us feel uncomfortable and the most isolated. If you are struggling and feel like you do not fit it, I want you to know that it is okay. I want you to know that God did not create you to fit in. if He did, He would have made the same copy of the first human being: we would all look the same, walk the same, talk the same and be the same. But He didn’t. Let it be your sign to live boldly in the truth of who you are and who He has called you to be.  He has purposed you for great things, and only your authentic self can carry the mission He has for you, connect with the people needed to carry that mission and walk into the places that He’s called you to walk into. So be encouraged and be empowered. Only you can be You, that is your superpower so don’t trade it for acceptance, love or belonging. The Love is given (Jere 31:3) and your tribe will find you. All you have to do is stay true to yourself. You got this.

Until next time,

Building Discipline: The Power Of Doing Small Things Consistently

I’ve always been a woman of intensity. It doesn’t really matter what it was that I had to get into: I always dived in head first, with a pow wow that would have you wonder if it was the real me or if I was on crack. Although over a short period, such as during a sprint, intensity can be a great thing, over a long period of time it is very hard to sustain. 

I remember for the longest time that I had always been passionate about things for a short time and then after months or years, I'd give up because I started with expectations that were not always realistic and an energy expenditure that could not be sustained over a long period of time. And so at the end of last year, I took time to reflect on what I wanted to achieve this year and realized that my approach of intensity vs consistency wasn’t really working as I leaned more towards the former than the latter. After some digging, journaling, thinking, praying and more journaling, I mapped out the areas that I wanted to grow in and one of them was being more disciplined. I did realized that the reason why I would fall off so easily when it came to the things I was passionate about, was that I lacked discipline. I was free floating and getting to things when I could or felt like it, instead of actually being intentional about creating a life that incorporated the things that allowed me to build a structured life. Although, creating a routine through discipline felt like a great idea and an accomplishment, I will not lie about the fact that I was afraid at the idea that once again, it would be another new years resolution that would end in a flop. To be honest, I had a love and hate relationship with discipline as I saw it as such a rigid way of living life instead of something that provided stability. And because the rigidity and coldness of discipline frightened me, I was afraid at the idea of disappointing myself once again because my track record in the past hadn’t been that great. I was so afraid that I even brought it up during a therapy session as building a routine was something that was part of my plan of care. After discussing my plan with my therapist and asking how I could possibly remain committed to my goals and be disciplined she said to me : "discipline is one of the hardest things to practice and even I struggle with it. There is no magical pill or easy way to do it. You will have to pray every day and ask God to help you and show up to do the work". And so I took her advice: I started with the plan that I had and I learned to go to God everyday to ask for the strength to be disciplined and the strength to show up. I dedicated the month of January to building a routine and I learned to show up everyday. One of the areas that I started practicing discipline in is exercising. I had a goal to exercise everyday, no matter how long. The goal was not the intensity but rather the discipline of showing up everyday (consistency). And so far, I am still at it and still on the journey to being more disciplined when it comes to exercising and my physical health.  Of course my journey during that month wasn’t perfect: there were trials and errors, moments of big victories with a great sense of accomplishment when I could follow my plan; and some moments of frustrations when I couldn’t get everything done. But through it all, I realized that there was power in small, daily baby steps. I realized that doing it all was about intensity when all I had to do was remove the "all" and just do, and as I would get in motion, I would find the right balance to perhaps make space later for the "all" or perhaps not. After all, I was notorious for having high expectations of myself so perhaps the "all" was too much and I needed to scale down and create a routine that I could carry consistently and turn into a lifestyle without feeling overwhelmed when I did it all or like a failure when I missed the mark. This intentionality about discipline has been an eye opener and a teaching moment, from showing up to exercise whether I felt like it or not, to being disciplined about my time, finances, thoughts and prayer life, passing by the discipline of resting. As we have transitioned into a new month, I did catch myself slacking and subconsciously going back to my old ways, as if practicing discipline was only a monthly challenge that I had taken on (intensity) vs a new way of living (consistency and intentionality). So these days, the discipline that I am focusing more on on top of a new way of doing life is having the right mindset.

I want to close with one last thing that I hope will encourage you: I recently watched an interview with the former FLOTUS Michelle Obama that gave me solace and encouraged me to do the small things until I could take it one step further. I do not exactly remember what she said word for word, but she said that great change happens in small bits and that if we want to go out and change the world, we have to start with the small things within our reach; and it is that cumulative effect that will lead to the big changes (in the world)  that we ache to make and see. In a world where praise and validation is mostly available for the big things that make it to the reels and the headlines of people’s social media, my hope is that you will recognize that it is a collection of small things that led to those big, life changing moments. My hope is that as you get better at putting the small building blocks together to create a solid foundation for your life and your dreams, you see the ripple effect of those small disciplines in your life and the world around you and realize that there is indeed power in small.

Until next time,