It is midnight and there is service tomorrow. I should be in bed, but instead I am typing those words about another giant that has done a lot of damages, sometimes irreparable ones, in our community: the giant of anger. It will have you act funny and say not so funny things. It will have you breaking hearts and destroying lives in a heartbeat. And sometimes an apology is not enough. It is a beginning but it doesn’t take away the sting. It doesn’t mend a broken heart or broken relationships. It feels good to hear sometimes but other times, it is like trying to fix a bullet hole with a band aid. Growing up, I used to be a very emotional kid. I still am a very emotional person but there was a period in life where everything that I used to express and project outward just went inward and anger is one of those things. I went from having outburst of angers and fighting with about everybody that would act, talk or look at me funny to having a silent attitude and energy that would let the entire world know that there was some kind of rage and anger bubbling within. As Iyanla would call it, I was nasty nice: I was cloaking my attitude with a semblance of nice words which lowkey-highkey were jabs thrown at people. If my words were mean but served with a smile and a “I didn’t mean it that way” then really nobody could say that I was outwardly being aggressive or angry. Sometimes I was fake nice and some other time I was plain nasty: going for the jugular and trying to cut people deep with my words and my actions so that they could bleed the way other people made me bleed. I had gone from being openly aggressive at times to being passive aggressive which is one of the sneakiest, nastiest and most destructive form of anger that can ever be experienced.
I have been on both ends : giving and receiving; but just as symptoms are a manifestation of something deeper, my anger was about something deeper than my outward experience of the world: it was rooted into a deep feeling of rejection, of feeling “off” that started out as frustration and grew into anger. What appeared and manifested itself as anger (inappropriate behavior) was a frustration about an inward experience that was exacerbated by external stimuli that amplified the discomfort I was experiencing growing up: the words that were said, the behaviors I had to accommodate because I didn’t have a voice, the confusion I grew up in but most importantly the part where I was made to feel like I was not good enough for people to stay, to fight for me, to defend me, to meet me half way or even to understand me. This deadly cocktail made me act funny and knock down people because I was on the ground and if I couldn’t stand then everybody had to go down with me. Anger is not a one time and done thing to deal with: it takes time and even though I have come a long way from where I used to be, there is still a tremendous amount of work to be done and every offense I have to fight my way through reminds me of it. But here is what Louie Giglio has to say about what he calls “the five smooth stones of truth” necessary to overcome the giant of anger:
1- Remind ourselves that we aren’t perfect to begin with
Putting things in perspective is one of the things that have allowed me to revisit my stance on anger. I used to be very good at holding a grudge but I have learned to lay it down at the foot of the cross. The first reason is that in the same way my feelings have been hurt, I felt betrayed or disrespected, God has experienced the same feeling when because of sin I put Him through what people have put me through. So being able to picture Him forgiving me and understanding that my record is not perfect made me drop some of the stones I had so many times wanted to throw at people. The second reason is that what has been done to me, I have done unto others and sometimes to a degree bigger than what I went through. And if God and those people were able to forgive me then why not forgive? God’s forgiveness gets me off my high horse when I think some people’s actions or words or behaviors don’t deserve forgiveness because if God could forgive me then I have no reason to withhold grace and forgiveness from someone else.
2- We remind ourselves that God made peace with us
More often than not, our outbursts of anger are rooted into rejection and the belief/feeling of not being good enough when the truth is we are. We have been accepted, forgiven and covered by the greatest kind of love that can ever be and there is proof: Jesus died for us at the cross. He took away our sins and the wrath of God that was destined to us fell on Him so that we can be reconciled with God. We are no more at odds with Him, we are no more working towards earning acceptance but we walk in it. We also walk in forgiveness and the peace that is offered to us through Christ. And when anger rages within and the lies of the enemy seem to intensify the flames of anger, we can always run to the cross where we can find solace in Christ.
3- We hold on to the promise that God is our avenger
I used to believe in payback but then, as I grew in my relationship with God, I learned to leave it all at the cross and pray for healing. What I realized is that God is a much better retributor than I can ever be to someone who did me wrong. More often than not, our motivation for payback is the belief that people will get away with their actions when the Bible assures us that there is a retribution for everything that we do, good and bad (Job 34:11) and our God is “ a jealous and avenging God” (Nahum 1:2). In all the times where I sought to do myself justice, it was never satisfying: the more I pushed for revenge, the greater the thirst for it was. It was consuming me and stealing my joy, my life and my precious time while the offenders went about their lives, not giving a dime about me. I had to surrender to God, to relinquish my right to do wrong because I was wronged and let God be God and be my judge and my avenger. To relinquish to God doesn’t mean to pretend that we are fine or to brush the hurt aside: it means to acknowledge it and to surrender it to God for healing instead to striking back.
4- We forgive
It took me a long time to understand that forgiveness was for me and even when I did, it took me an even long time to start practicing it. To forgive is hard. To forgive is divine and requires a belief in something bigger than you in order to move past some offenses. And I know because I have been through some things that still work me up. To forgive is not a once and done deal: it is a repetitive action where you will have to bring some offenses to the cross more than once. Why? Because thinking about some offenses will stir up your feelings, your soul and your spirit. Thinking about some offenses will make you feel as if you are still in the moment but instead of reacting on it, you have to surrender the feelings and the offense to the authority of Christ and lay them down at the foot of the cross. Forgiveness is you acknowledging that you were wronged and yet, choosing to not hold it against whoever offended you. Anger burns bridges and make them burn for however long the feelings are up. Forgiveness is quenching the fire. Forgiveness does not equate restoring the relationship that is broken or rebuilding the bridge because you might just not want to take the steps towards either of those options. Forgiveness is letting go of the offense so that the enemy cannot keep on building a fence that separates you from God because of your anger and unwillingness to forgive.
5- We are sons and daughters of God
No rejection, betrayal or belittling can trump God’s love and choice for us. This is the fifth truth that Louis Giglio calls us to remember every day. We are to remember that God’s love and voice are above all the aforementioned and that we are seen, loved, adored, taken care of and safe. We have a God that is looking out for us and will never forget nor forsake us.
The giant of anger can be hard to defeat, especially in a culture where people don't necessarily have the appropriate ways and tools to deal with emotions as overwhelming as anger can be. However, in the words of Louie, " we have to let God shift the tide in our heart" if we want to overcome this giant and live and free, fulfilling and purposeful life in Christ.
Until next time,
A purposeful wanderer ❤
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