Authenticity: The Way Back To The True self & The Answer To The Riddle Of Love, Acceptance, and Belonging

About a month ago, the Bishop at my church touched briefly on the subject of identity during his sermon. He said that the enemy uses three ways to make us create a false sense of identity: what we do, what we have and what people say of us.

I couldn’t relate more to what he said because these three things have been the crux of my identity growing up, well into my late twenties and the identity crisis that ensued. I remember when my identity crisis started. I remember when God started taking those things away one by one. I remember when I lost my job, when I lost most of what I had and when all I thought I had going, what was left of my identity, was what people said of me. But I also remember how God pulled the rug from under me and how when all these things were gone, my sense of self came tumbling down. I remember how lost I was when I didn’t have any of these things. I felt like a stranger to myself. It was the end of who I thought I was and the beginning of the crusade to really find out who I truly I am. My identity crisis led me to the foot of the cross. 

See I grew up doing not being: that’s where I found my sense of self. And when I wasn’t doing, the only way of "being" that I knew of, what being everything to everyone else. Somehow I learned growing up that performing was the way to earn love, not being because who I was was not deserving of love or acceptance. So I stepped into people’s needs, performed and gave every last bit of myself in exchange for love, affection and acceptance. But what I realized is that the void and brokenness that I experienced inside didn’t shrink: it grew bigger. So did my insecurities. The imposter syndrome was always looming. I was constantly plagued with a sense of not belonging no matter where I was even when I did belong. When good things happened to me I didn’t feel deserving because I would think I didn’t do enough to deserve it. It showed in the opportunities I went for in life and even in the relationships I went into: my non-existent self esteem and life long identity crisis highly impacted every aspect of my life. I felt lonely and isolated even when surrounded, loved and cherished by people because deep down, I felt like nobody really knew me: people knew who I was when I was around them. This was a teachable moment about integrity. I had always thought of integrity as living a double life, especially as a Christian. I thought not living a life of integrity was pledging my allegiance to Christ while still dancing with the devil and flirting with sin. And although I did do those things (transparency moment), God also made me realize that integrity is just being one person and not morphing into a different person out of a need for approval, belonging or love. God made me realize that integrity is the consistency of the testimony of people about me. And I understand that different people have access to different layers of us depending of how close we are to them, but that is not what I am talking about here. What I am talking about is being a whole different person because I had learned that when you become what people want, then they give you love. 

Performance love and my identity crisis have taught me in  painful ways that a) some people sometimes disguise their abuse into “love” because they see your desperation for love, acceptance and belonging and b) when you perform, people fall in love with who you are to them and what you do instead of the real you. The collapsing of my false sense of identity has led me back to God. And He made me understand that the love that I performed my whole life for, was already given (john 3:16). I just didn’t believe that I was worthy of it so I settled for what I could control so that I could feel safe and worthy because it was all dependent on my doing. If what I said sounds wild and makes absolutely no sense, you are absolutely right to feel that way because as I write these words it makes absolutely zero sense to me too. 

But why am I writing these words, you might wonder? Well... I am writing these words because I recently got back into the flow of writing again and I got caught up with the need to perform for acceptance, validation and belonging. The insecurities really creeped up on me: I got stuck into a writing block because I thought that I had to impress people, forgetting that my self worth and sense of identity is no longer tied to anything but God’s love for me. And so after hours of torture, not being able to settle on what to post, I did what I know how to do best: share something personal and relatable that would encourage someone instead of fluff designed to impress.

Starting over is hard as it brings me back to the humble beginnings and the early hours of this blog. But I am making a conscious effort to remind myself that the reason why this blog was created in the first place is not to impress but to create a space where people feel encouraged, uplifted; a place where they can gather and let go of the judgments they have about themselves as they realize that there is someone (me) out there that shares their struggles. 

I am still very early in my authenticity journey: I am learning to sit comfortably with myself without any distraction and accept that it’s okay to not belong in every circle, crew, place and lives; and it’s okay that not everybody belongs in mine. I am learning to dig deeper and to pull myself out of the stuff that, at some point defined me but ended up burying the real me. I am on a mission to find out who I really am: outside of the titles, the stuff and the fluff as well as the things people say about me. Not that I have a bad testimony as a person but the criticism and "opinions" people have of me weight as equally (if not more!) in the balance than the good stuff. I am learning to have a solid experience and testimony of who I am within me, for me before I can go out to the world and live it everyday. I am unlearning a lot before I can learn how to be (God's way) and build a solid foundation for my identity. It is a lot of work on the daily basis and sometimes I feel like giving up but I am still showing up, day after day (discipline) and I know in the end it will be worth it.

Today's world and culture is teaching us that who we are is not enough. You do not have to take my word for it: you can scroll social media. We are taught to be like everyone else and where being authentic used to be something to be proud of, it is now the thing that makes us feel uncomfortable and the most isolated. If you are struggling and feel like you do not fit it, I want you to know that it is okay. I want you to know that God did not create you to fit in. if He did, He would have made the same copy of the first human being: we would all look the same, walk the same, talk the same and be the same. But He didn’t. Let it be your sign to live boldly in the truth of who you are and who He has called you to be.  He has purposed you for great things, and only your authentic self can carry the mission He has for you, connect with the people needed to carry that mission and walk into the places that He’s called you to walk into. So be encouraged and be empowered. Only you can be You, that is your superpower so don’t trade it for acceptance, love or belonging. The Love is given (Jere 31:3) and your tribe will find you. All you have to do is stay true to yourself. You got this.

Until next time,

Building Discipline: The Power Of Doing Small Things Consistently

I’ve always been a woman of intensity. It doesn’t really matter what it was that I had to get into: I always dived in head first, with a pow wow that would have you wonder if it was the real me or if I was on crack. Although over a short period, such as during a sprint, intensity can be a great thing, over a long period of time it is very hard to sustain. 

I remember for the longest time that I had always been passionate about things for a short time and then after months or years, I'd give up because I started with expectations that were not always realistic and an energy expenditure that could not be sustained over a long period of time. And so at the end of last year, I took time to reflect on what I wanted to achieve this year and realized that my approach of intensity vs consistency wasn’t really working as I leaned more towards the former than the latter. After some digging, journaling, thinking, praying and more journaling, I mapped out the areas that I wanted to grow in and one of them was being more disciplined. I did realized that the reason why I would fall off so easily when it came to the things I was passionate about, was that I lacked discipline. I was free floating and getting to things when I could or felt like it, instead of actually being intentional about creating a life that incorporated the things that allowed me to build a structured life. Although, creating a routine through discipline felt like a great idea and an accomplishment, I will not lie about the fact that I was afraid at the idea that once again, it would be another new years resolution that would end in a flop. To be honest, I had a love and hate relationship with discipline as I saw it as such a rigid way of living life instead of something that provided stability. And because the rigidity and coldness of discipline frightened me, I was afraid at the idea of disappointing myself once again because my track record in the past hadn’t been that great. I was so afraid that I even brought it up during a therapy session as building a routine was something that was part of my plan of care. After discussing my plan with my therapist and asking how I could possibly remain committed to my goals and be disciplined she said to me : "discipline is one of the hardest things to practice and even I struggle with it. There is no magical pill or easy way to do it. You will have to pray every day and ask God to help you and show up to do the work". And so I took her advice: I started with the plan that I had and I learned to go to God everyday to ask for the strength to be disciplined and the strength to show up. I dedicated the month of January to building a routine and I learned to show up everyday. One of the areas that I started practicing discipline in is exercising. I had a goal to exercise everyday, no matter how long. The goal was not the intensity but rather the discipline of showing up everyday (consistency). And so far, I am still at it and still on the journey to being more disciplined when it comes to exercising and my physical health.  Of course my journey during that month wasn’t perfect: there were trials and errors, moments of big victories with a great sense of accomplishment when I could follow my plan; and some moments of frustrations when I couldn’t get everything done. But through it all, I realized that there was power in small, daily baby steps. I realized that doing it all was about intensity when all I had to do was remove the "all" and just do, and as I would get in motion, I would find the right balance to perhaps make space later for the "all" or perhaps not. After all, I was notorious for having high expectations of myself so perhaps the "all" was too much and I needed to scale down and create a routine that I could carry consistently and turn into a lifestyle without feeling overwhelmed when I did it all or like a failure when I missed the mark. This intentionality about discipline has been an eye opener and a teaching moment, from showing up to exercise whether I felt like it or not, to being disciplined about my time, finances, thoughts and prayer life, passing by the discipline of resting. As we have transitioned into a new month, I did catch myself slacking and subconsciously going back to my old ways, as if practicing discipline was only a monthly challenge that I had taken on (intensity) vs a new way of living (consistency and intentionality). So these days, the discipline that I am focusing more on on top of a new way of doing life is having the right mindset.

I want to close with one last thing that I hope will encourage you: I recently watched an interview with the former FLOTUS Michelle Obama that gave me solace and encouraged me to do the small things until I could take it one step further. I do not exactly remember what she said word for word, but she said that great change happens in small bits and that if we want to go out and change the world, we have to start with the small things within our reach; and it is that cumulative effect that will lead to the big changes (in the world)  that we ache to make and see. In a world where praise and validation is mostly available for the big things that make it to the reels and the headlines of people’s social media, my hope is that you will recognize that it is a collection of small things that led to those big, life changing moments. My hope is that as you get better at putting the small building blocks together to create a solid foundation for your life and your dreams, you see the ripple effect of those small disciplines in your life and the world around you and realize that there is indeed power in small.

Until next time,

Make Your Skin Great Again: The Enhancers

Hello there!  Back again (a month later 😅) for part two of my skincare regimen as promised. In the first part I shared the products that make up the foundation of my skincare routine (you can find it here). In this second and final part, I share the add-ons. So without further due, let's get into it.

1- Versed Doctor's Visit Instant Resurfacing Mask

This mask is an exfoliant containing AHA, BHA, and pineapple enzyme. I alternate between this exfoliant and the Good Molecules one. Because this exfoliant is a mask, it needs to be washed so it is not always practical- especially on the days where I do not feel like doing much. When I feel extra and I have time I like to use it. It does make my skin smooth and glowing after use. It has a jelly like texture and is cooling. Want to make it even more refreshing? put it in the fridge in this hot summer and you got a super refreshing spa moment that will tighten up your skin and leave you glowy. I use this product every other week (when not using the Good Molecule exfoliant) and I follow it with a heavy moisturizer then I apply Vaseline on top of it (aka Slugging. More to come about that soon!). One the days where I want to keep things simple, I just use Aquaphor healing ointment which moisturizes and protects the skin. 

2- Geek and Gorgeous C Glow

BABY!!! I have tried vitamin C serums before but this one swept me off my feet. I first got introduced to vitamin C when I got acquainted with the Drunk Elephant brand. I loved that serum (and so did my skin) when it first came out but eventually it started messing with my skin. I have heard speculations from other users about a change in the ingredient list that might have cause that skin reaction. I discontinued the use and didn't pay any mind to vitamin C again. However, lately I started doing my research again to find a good vitamin C to add to my routine. After doing my homework on vitamin C and the different brands, I ended up settling for Geek and Gorgeous. It is a light weight serum with 15% Vitamin C + extra antioxidants (Ferulic Acid & a smaller amount of Vitamin E). I store this the serum in the fridge as recommended on the website to extend the shelf life and use a mini bottle to decant about two weeks worth of serum. 

3- Neutrogena Rapid Wrinkle Repair Retinol Face Cream (Mini, 0.5 oz)

I finally joined to gang you guys: I started using retinol. This product is a moisturizer with hyaluronic acid & retinol. I cannot really speak on reducing wrinkles as I do not have any but it does moisturize the skin. The instruction is to apply it twice daily to cleansed face and neck. However, because I am a retinol beginner, I am gradually phasing this product into my skincare routine until my skin tolerates it, working my way up to the twice daily recommendation. 


If you are deciding to incorporate those products into your skincare routine, I am adding a skincare cheat-sheet below that I myself use to incorporate products in a safe way in my own routine. More into here. 

As always, please remember to use sunscreen as these products will make your skin more sensitive to the sun. And even if you don't use them, still use sunscreen  because skin cancer ain't cute. This is it for the products that I use for my skincare routine. Let me know what products you use/like and I'll [maybe] try them. 

Until next time,

Make Your Skin Great Again: The Skincare Regimen That Transformed My Skin

Coming back here after being MIA for months is always awkward. It’s like reconnecting with the world after going off the grid for what seems like an eternity. Actually it’s is not like that: it is actually that. A little while ago the content of the blog shifted: there was more of a focus on the mental and spiritual stuff. And while I delight in those topics, I would like to bring more content about the light stuff too. While mental health and spiritual life are everyday life kind of topics, I also wanted to talk about the more practical things and get a little bit into perhaps hobbies, fashion, skincare, haircare, selfcare, etc… So to honor the broadening of my writing horizons, I am bringing to you today my skincare routine. So let's get into it, shall we?

We all know at least one person that when asked what they do for their skin to look nice, they respond: "nothing! I just drink water". Every time I hear that sentence, I roll my eyes so far that I can almost see my brain. Drinking water helps your skin look better but let's be honest: it takes more than that. Hence, this article. No gatekeeping here.

Today's skincare regimen is brought to you by my skin: she looks nice these days but she wasn't always like that. As a child (up until my late teenage years) I suffered with eczema, a condition usually associated with dry skin. And guess who has dry skin? Yup… That’s me! When I speak of dry, for me it’s more than my phone: it's my hair (a topic for another day) and my skin. It's drier than the Sahara. It's drier than a Popeyes biscuit. My skin being dry is [sadly] one of the most consistent things about me: always dry no matter the season of the year. Imagine winter ashy-ness but everyday. Not fun. While some people could skimp on the skincare, it is not a luxury that I had growing up. And it certainly is not a luxury that I have now. I had to learn early and quickly what worked for my skin. So I did and it worked (for the most part) until 2020. I was scrolling through my photo library on my phone and came across a video of me in July 2020 and let me tell you... the state of my skin in that video made wonder had me shooketh. My skin was giving stressed and raggedy. Sis was not cute at all. I remember being aware at that time that something was going on with my skin but being unable to figure out what it was. Living it was one thing but seeing my face in that video almost two years later hit different. I remember back then feeling desperate for my skin to get back to normal and looking up brands/products that I could use to create a skincare regimen because what was happening was just pure trickery and shenanigation. Something had to give.

The state of emergency my skin was in and my frantic research to find products that would nurse my skin back to health led me to Good Molecules. It was a game-changer for my skin. Some people swear by the Ordinary, well… I swear by Good Molecules (and I stand ten toes on that!). I took my time to read about the products and find something that would work for my skin type and the concerns that I had at the time. I was sold on the Hero regimen for dry skin. Since I started using this bundle in 2020, Good Molecules expanded the line by adding the Rosewater Daily Cleansing Gel and Yerba Mate Wake Up Eye Gel; but originally it had the: Niacinamide Brightening Toner, Hyaluronic Acid Serum, an Overnight Exfoliating Treatment, Caffeine Energizing Hydrogel Patches, Instant Cleaning Balm, Silicone-Free Priming Moisturizer and an Ultra-Hydrating Facial Oil. Out of the original bundle I have used everything however, my skin seems to not agree with the hyaluronic acid (I dropped it) and I don't really care for the eye patches (not really using it them either). In addition to the bundle, I separately got the discoloration correcting serum and the daily brightening serum because, in addition to having unexplained tiny bumps all over my face and a rough skin texture, I was also struggling with hyperpigmentation (I still do but not as much) and my skin looked very dull.

            

The Hero Regimen bundle (then)  vs.  The Hero Regimen Bundle (now)

             

   Discoloration Correcting Serum                      Daily Brightening Serum

Due to my skin being dry and sensitive, I can only use chemical exfoliant rather than mechanical exfoliant and the Overnight exfoliating treatment was just perfect. I started using it once a week and worked my way up until my skin could tolerate it when used three times a week. It contains AHAs and BHAs which help getting rid of dead (and resurface new skin), smoothing out rough/ bumpy skin, fading dark spots and evening skin tone. The Niacinamide in combination with the discoloration correcting serum and the daily brightening serum help improve appearance of dullness, uneven skin tone (reducing hyperpigmentation), and enlarged pores. I do not have large pores but I have noticed that when my skin acts up/gets bumpy, the niacinamide toner calms my skin down. And if I get PIH (post inflammatory hyperpigmentation) after getting a pimple, it doesn’t take as long for the hyperpigmentation to fade. I use those products twice a day, applying the toner first, followed by the serums. For the sake of time (and because it doesn’t say otherwise on the website or on the products’ boxes), I mix both serums in my hand before applying them to my face. I have to say though that you should layer them first to see how your skin reacts and if it doesn’t freak out, then move on to mixing the serums.

Consistently using those products has drastically improved my skin texture and evenness. While it is not everyone’s experience, I can genuinely say that the results from sticking with those products and being somewhat consistent in my skincare regimen is beyond satisfactory. And in case you are wondering no… this post is not sponsored by Good Molecules (but maybe they should consider it… Just a thought). This post is a presentation of what my skincare foundation is made of and it doubles as a review. I went through the entire bottle of toner, daily brightening and discoloration correcting serums and repurchased it. No need to say more: this works. Because I have dry skin, I am only discussing the Hero regimen for dry skin and sharing my experience but, Good Molecules also has a Hero regimen bundle for oily skin. So if you have oily skin maybe look into it. You might like it and it is affordable.

To moisturize my skin I use Eucerin Skin Balance night cream at night and in the morning I use EltaMD AM Therapy. I found out (while writing this article) that the EltaMD AM Therapy is a light moisturizer. While it might work well for someone with normal to oily skin and be okay during the  summer months for my dry skin, I might have to look into other options for the fall/winter.

 

The last and perhaps most important staple in my skincare is sunscreen. Doing all that work (especially when it comes to getting an even skin tone and getting rid of hyperpigmentation) is pointless if you do not wear sunscreen. It’s like throwing money out the the window. Actually it is not like throwing money out the the window,: it is throwing money out the the window. And plus, cancer is not cute. It’s ghetto. So put on your sunscreen. When it comes to sunscreen, the American Association of Dermatology recommends using an SPF of at least 30. I usually am in the 40-50 range and I go for broad spectrum as it blocks both UVA (responsible for premature skin aging) and UVB (skin burn, hyperpigmentation). Also check that it is water resistant. At the moment, I am using EltaMD UV Restore Broad-Spectrum SPF 40.

 It is a 100% mineral sunscreen designed to improve sun-damaged skin and help revitalize it. It contains Squalane which is known for restoring skin's natural moisture and suppleness. This specific SPF is formulated with Ginger Root Extract and Saccharide Isomerate in order to promote a healthy complexion by improving skin smoothness, minimizing dark spots and reducing the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. It also contains antioxidants which combat skin-aging free radicals associated with ultraviolet (UV) and infrared radiation (IR) and offers high-energy visible (HEV) light protection. It doesn’t irritate my skin or burn my eyes. It doesn’t make me look greasy but it does leave a white cast. That’s the only downside. So far I have managed to make it work but in the future, I will probably explore other options from that brand that do not make me look like Casper the friendly ghost. Just like with Good molecules, EltaMD also has SPF that fits your skin type although the one that I use is fit for all skin types.

So there you have it: the fundamentals of my skin care routine. In the next article, I will share the other products that I use in addition to the ones mentioned in this article.

Until then, be well and put your sunscreen on 😊

For Generations To Come

I saw a post on Instagram in honor of Mother’s Day. It was a husband honoring his wife for being in tune with the needs of people around her, especially their children and how by doing so, she was raising their girls to be emotionally healthy individuals. Prior to that I saw another post from a highschool friend of mine, honoring his wife. It was not lengthy in words but the caption however short, was insightful. It read: “A mother is always the beginning. She is the beginning of how things begin”. These words made me think long and hard about my own journey of bettering myself and how it was not about me but about the legacy I wanted to leave to the generation after me.

I have had many days lately where the work to better myself felt heavy on my best days and hopeless on the worst ones. Heavy because it is a burden that is heavy to carry: the undoing of things that started before me that I inherited; the breaking of curses that go back to generation before me. Hopeless because sometimes it feels like all the odds are stacked against me; hopeless because the breakthroughs are expensive and demand that I live on borrowed hope that, although available through Christ, doesn’t always feel tangible. The work of bettering one self is hard. It requires sacrifice and commitment. A commitment to go high when people go low and there are days where I want to go all the way down in the mud because although I am saved (praise God!) and on a journey, the thug in me is always whispering to me “start a riot”. It is a battle between my higher self, the person I aspire to be and my old self, the one that was created as a result of generational trauma, brokenness and let's be honest, my very own not-so-smart life choices. Although it is tempting at times to want to give in mainly because of how people sometimes come to me and/or at me, I have to train and remind myself daily that the work that I am doing is not only for me, but also for generations to come. During my most recent session with my therapist, I remember telling her : “I am terrified of being a mother because I would hate to be the reason why my children have to one day sit on a therapist's couch, trying to undo the damage I would have done to them”. My therapist responded by saying [something along the lines of] the fact that I am putting in the work now having that in mind, if anything else, is one of the reasons (along many others) why she could picture me as being anything but a bad mother. Those words brought me comfort because I then realized that I was doing something well. Or at least I am trying to.

How does all of this relate to the two things Instagram posts stories that I shared at the beginning of this article? Well, it brings forth the idea that being a mother (a parent) starts before kids get here. It starts with the choices we make everyday that shape our life, our character and directly influences the way our children live their life and who they grow up to be. Now there are limitations to this as, ultimately, children grow and are responsible for making their own choices and creating their own paths. However, they are more likely to mimic what they grew up seeing and will tend to recreate the environments we put them in while growing up. Although they will question and might at time reject some of the beliefs/ ideologies we expose them to as they grow up, think for themselves and make sense of them, they will most likely hold on to the ones that have positively impacted the lives of their parents and theirs.

Although this post is in honor of the mothers who are taking care of business, handling their business and undoing the cycles they grew up in so their children can do better, it is also a post to encourage those who are on a journey to do better (mother or not, men AND women). This post is for those who are breaking generational curses and making changes today that will impact generations tomorrow: I see you. I am proud of you. I am rooting for you. And if you are in a place where the going is getting tough, I hope this article gives you the borrowed hope that you need to keep going. You’ve come too far to give up right now. And I know this is hard right now but one day, as you look back and reflect on how far you’ve come, you will realize that your journey was worth everything you are sacrificing now. We’re in this together and we’ll make it.

Until next time,