Help Is On The Way

"Feelings buried alive do not die: they fester and they show up as inappropriate behaviors"

I will never forget the day I heard those words from Iyanla vanzant. It was as if everything suddenly fell into place for me: as far as how I was living my own life, but also as far as how I had grown up and the things that I had witnessed. It wasn’t anything horrific; if anything at all, it was the usual and normal dysfunction that you would see in most families. It sounds like a paradox but if you have grown up in an environment where dysfunction was normalized from one generation to another, then you know it makes sense even when it doesn’t. Another day I will never forget, is also a day when everything went particularly wrong and in that moment I thought “Gosh, if I offed myself I would be SO Much better”. That particular day, at that very moment, I was sitting on the floor in my kitchen and stayed there for what felt like hours. It was as if I was there but my mind just blanked. And when I came back, I called my sister and talked to her because I was afraid I was going to do something. I was afraid I was going to hurt myself and the people that I loved in the process and cause irreparable damage. In the upcoming weeks, I started looking and asking for help. And that is how I got into therapy. The rest is history.

The most common misconception about suicide is that people crossing the line want to die and that it is the "easy way out". But the reality is that a lot of people can plan to kill themselves but only strong people actually do it. Another paradox. If you have ever almost drowned or found yourself in a situation where you almost died, you know how powerful your survival instincts can be. You know and have witnessed how your body can almost instantly turn into a machine and make you do things that, upon reflecting back, you think : “ I never thought I had so much strength” or “ I never thought I could one day in my life do this”. If you know how strong those survival instincts are, then you know how strong you have to be to override them and cross that final line when everything in you is fighting to stay alive. Suicide ideation is not always (or necessarily) “I want to die”; sometimes it is- I am speaking from my own perspective and experience- “I want to stop feeling that pain” and at the moment, death feels like the only, ultimate and most efficient way. I for sure thought that. And after years of being in therapy and surrounded by the most supportive and amazing people I could have asked for, I cannot lie to you and say that the idea of leaving on my own terms doesn't cross my mind anymore. It does once in a while... But when it does, I throw away the mantle of shame that kept me struggling for years and I reach out. I talk when I feel on the edge, when the pressure is too much and things are getting out of hand. But you shouldn’t have to wait that long. Nobody should have to. Why? Because by the time some of us get to that point it is too late and irreparable damage has already been done. I grew up in a culture where we did not normalize talking about those things. You know… Feelings? Mental health? Being depressed? Because more often than not, people struggling with mental health issues are met with shame and told that that’s just the way life is and you have to “toughen up”- whatever that means. Growing up in Africa and being black, I cannot tell you how many times I have heard people around me dub depression as “white people problem”. And if you hold that statement as a magnifying glass, you can see why the rate of suicide in the black community is growing at an alarming rate. You also can see why people of color struggle to seek help when things start unraveling. Not only is there a race stigma but also a propaganda along the lines of “therapy is for the weak” that is creating mass graves where more and more people, black and white, young and old, male and female are heading and being buried into. Literally and figuratively.

To be vulnerable and talk about your struggles is not being weak. To seek help and support is not being weak. It is the greatest act of courage you can ever model and demonstrate. An act of courage that can also save someone’s life because believe me, the biggest lie you can tell yourself is that nobody is watching. Someone is ALWAYS watching you and what you do and say can do or undo someone’s destiny, life and future. You deserve to be here. You matter. You are loved and you are seen. I cannot tell you what the other side feels like because everyday is a new day, a different day and just like any other journey, it has its ups and downs. But one thing that I can tell you for sure, is that it gets better. It takes time and work and accountability but it does get better. And you will get better but only if you stick around and show up everyday, will you be able to witness it, see it, live it like I did. And I pray you do. 

If you are looking for a sign to keep fighting, this is your sign right here. If you are feeling like giving up, I pray this article right here will be your life line. I want to leave you with this closing blessing that the Bishop of my Church speaks over the congregation every Sunday without fail. It has deeply blessed me and kept me in some of the hardest days that I have gone through and I have faith it will do that for you too. It is titled The Priestly Blessing over God's people (found in Numbers 6:24-26) and it goes like this: 

MAY the Lord bless you and protect you (look after you, shield you, defend you, and take care of you)

MAY the Lord make His face shine (grin, beam, and show His pleasure) on you and, may the Lord be gracious, kindhearted pleasant, and compassionate) to you.

MAY the Lord show you His favor that will (promote you, appreciate you, support you, and side with you as you side with Him) And Finally...

MAY the Lord give you HIS SHALOM: His peace, His rest, His harmony, His calmness, His composure, His prosperity, His success

And may the Lord remove anything that causes agitation or discord with His Divine Purpose and Destiny for Your Life. I bless you in the Name of Jesus Christ!

PS: There is a song too! Actually two versions of it that you can find here and here.

PSS: If you need prayer and support you can find it here and here.

Hang in there Beloved, Help is coming! Praying for you and over you because you matter and the world needs you, whether you believe it or not. 

Until next time, 

Life Sucks. And It's Okay.

A few months ago I got news. It was something that I partly expected and partly hoped would not come. Still it came. Coincidentally enough, that same day, I was scheduled to see my therapist. So when she asked "what's new?" I spilled the beans using all the vocabulary that I could find to express how I felt and "good" wasn't one of the words I would have used to described how I felt. After I was done talking, my therapist said “And yet, here you are, smiling, cracking jokes and saying ‘I will ride this one out and make it work’”. I had a weird sense of calm because I was expecting the storm will hit, but I was less certain about when. And I guess at that time, because the cat was finally out of the bag, I could finally stop holding my breath. I could start breathing again. 

I love how Iyanla Vanzant once said that sometimes our spirit catches things before we consciously (and physically) catch them. This was an instance where I did. And I had time to go through the emotional process, so when the tsunami hit, I had already come to terms with it. Or so I thought. One thing that I have noticed though going through this journey called life, is that it takes a minute for my emotions to catch up. So I eventually kept a tab open about how the calm that I was sitting in was possibly a precursor of an emotional tsunami that could hit at any given time. And it did. Much sooner than anticipated. This time however, instead of judging myself, I gave myself the greatest gift I could have, one that I so deeply needed; not only from myself but from the world: I gave myself kindness, compassion and understanding. I gave myself permission to be okay with the fact yes I had come to term with what was happening but “Boy does it suck!” to quote Brené. It did suck. And in the moment where I broke down in silent tears and sobs, all I could hear, while convincing myself that I knew the outcome and that things would turn out the way they did, was literally Brené Brown saying “you took a risk. You failed. And it sucks but you showed up”. Not very helpful but weirdly comforting as I am currently traveling through her book Rising Strong (I guess God already had everything lined up for me to have a lifeline because He knew how fast things were going to get real). Comforting because it gave me permission to sit in my feelings instead of going with the story line that I had already mentally rehearsed in order to override them and go to the next things. I gave myself permission to stop minimizing my situation by way of derision or fake (or real) optimism. I gave myself permission to stop trying to climb out of the hole I was in so fast. I simply gave myself permission to say “it sucks” while siting in the emotional hole and really feel that pain without heat, without judgement. I gave myself permission to be vulnerable with myself and to be human. And it sounds so silly to write but there have been plenty of time where I denied myself the opportunity to be vulnerable with myself, not to mention with the rest of the world. I simply couldn’t because of (again) the stories that I kept telling myself: “I do not have time to feel this” and “If I give into this emotionally, I am not sure I will come out the other way” But me being here is proof that I have come out the other side before and that I will again. And guess what? Things worked out in the end. 

As I got news today (not the kind I expected to hear), I figured this was the perfect post for the moment. Not only to encourage someone out there reading this post, but also to encourage myself. To remind myself that knowing that the outcome of a decision will be unfavorable, taking a risk, failing and being okay with it, doesn’t take away from the fact that it still sucks. It is okay to create space for feelings such as disappointment and sadness when things do not work out. Sitting with those feelings and processing them doesn't make us weak but instead work our resiliency muscle and give us a pathway to come out the other side when we go through the storm again. Failure -whether we expect it or not- sucks. And there is no part about admitting it that is weak. But to know, to admit it and to feel it and to try again, is the biggest proof of how strong we can possibly be in the face of trials and adversity. Failure is not the end and a delay is not a denial. In due time, things will happen the way they are supposed to and the tides will turn, so be encouraged.

Until next time, 

God Cares

For years, I have been stuck in a mental stronghold and it is that “nobody cares”. Funny how said like that it sounds much more sinister than the “nobody cares: work harder” picture frame that was on the wall of my former Jiujitsu school. One pushed you to go beyond your fear of ridicule in order to improve and the other did the opposite: keep you from the perceived ridicule of that comes with vulnerability. I lived life caring too much for what people would think and say about me and my life while at the same time harboring the belief that whether things were good or bad nobody cared. It is a belief that has led me to live a life of isolation even when I was (and still am) surrounded by loving people who genuinely wanted to walk life with me.

And I will not lie, it is a heavy burden to carry. One that, albeit I could decide any day to drop, but if you have ever tried to drop a bad habit and form a new one, you know how difficult it can be. And not too long ago, this weight got heavy. So heavy that it seemed to crush every good thing in me. So heavy that it was breaking my heart a little bit. One Saturday morning, I got into my car, going about my business and I remember praying to God and being honest about how I felt not very loved and appreciated and asking Him for a God Wink. I asked Him to show up and to remind me that I’m loved. And then I went about my business. The next day was a regular church day. So I got up and got ready and made my way to church. I get there and the Bishop mentioned that the florist he and his wife always go to wanted to do something special for the church: every women that attended service would receive a rose a the end of it. To some people it might seem like nothing but to me, it was an answered prayer. God knew. He was there. He orchestrated that surprise that specific Sunday after praying the prayer I prayed the day before to let me know that He heard me and that He cared. And that I was loved, cherished, and appreciated. I don’t believe in luck: I believe in divine timing/ appointments, and I know that God had planned for this so that I would be encouraged.

There was a side of me that didn’t want to include my feelings into my prayer. It is the part of me that has gotten very good at pretending all is well when all hell is breaking lose. The part of me that smiles at the world while crying myself to sleep in the intimacy of my darkest hours. But I went against everything that I know how to do so well because “nobody cares” and spoke to God because truly, if I can’t be honest with Him then who? And I am glad I did because if I hadn’t a) I wouldn’t gotten what I needed in that moment and b) I would have carried that burden for a while until it crushed me or until I projected my feelings/frustration onto somebody else and crushed them with some things that I absolutely nothing to do with them.

There are a few passages from the Bible that I want to leave you with that I hope will encourage you and fill you up when you feel like your cup is either running low or empty When you feel like the world around you does not care at all about what you feel, remember that God does and 1 Peter 5:7 says so : “Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you”. If you feel like you are not seen or heard and that you have no worth, hold on to Matthew 10:29-31 “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows”. More importantly, know that God you were worth a life according to John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

When you feel like being quiet about what you desire and need because you feel like you will never have “it” or that “it” seems impossible, remember Mathew 7: 11 “ If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” and James 4:2 “You do not have because you do not ask God.” But most importantly, remember that your father in Heaven can do 

 

Whether you believe (or think) the world around you does not care about you: know that your Father in Heaven does and His Word is a testament of it. All you have to do is draw near and know that you are seen, heard and “loved with an everlasting love” Jere (31:3)

Until next time,

Made For Such A Time As This

“If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place but you and your relatives will die. Who know if perhaps you were made queen for just a time such as this? ” 

Esther 4:14 

I am one of those people who believe that everything happens for a reason: for a greater purpose or because we are stupid and we don’t always make the right decisions. The second one might not seem like a “valid reason” but it still is one. I will not argue with you: argue with yourself. I had originally written this post as part of a chapter in my second memoir but with the current states of things, I found it more than fitting for it to have its place on this platform because someone needs to be reminded that they're made for such a time as this. 

So to come back to my point: everything happens for a reason and sometimes it doesn’t always make sense until you get all the way to the other side of what you are going through and then it finally hits you and you’re like “OH! THAT is what all of this was about” God is the best chess player: He got moves for eternity and one of the reasons why is because He created the world. He created every single one of them and knows the storyline of our lives even before we were created. He knows every twist and turn and every plot-twist we have ever experienced in life and will ever experience in life has been designed by Him. I like the story of Esther because in the times where I struggle the most with impostor syndrome and some of the hardship that I go through in life, it reminds me that God orchestrated for me to be in those places in life but also physically for a purpose. He put me in those places because there is something in me that is only specific to me, that can turn things around. I am not saying that I am the best but I am saying that there is something about the way He made me, something about my idiosyncrasies, something about the way my DNA is wired that led God to position me where I am. And sometimes it isn’t even about me or what God wants to do for me. Sometimes it is about what God wants to do around me and within people that He can only do until I am on board. 

The more I dwell in God’s word, the more I realize that although there is a part of our story that is about us, the majority of it is about the people surrounding us. I am learning to slowly understand and come to terms with the fact that my story doesn’t belong to me. It is a platform that God wants to use to change someone’s life. I am learning that I can’t just do whatever I want with my life. I just can’t give up on myself and my breakthrough because someone else’s breakthrough might depend on mine. I can’t just afford to live any kind of way because there are lives attached to the outcome of mine whether I want it of not. Made for such a time as this… David could have asked God why out of all of the days that he picked to visit his brothers it would be that day that Goliath would be there or why he was the one keeping the sheep why his other brothers were getting exposure. But instead, David did not flinch; and when Saul reminded him that he had no experience as a soldier, so knowledge/ training when it came to war, he responded with elements of the divine curriculum that he went through. He said: “I have been taking care of my father’s sheep and goats. When a lion or a bear comes to steal a lamb from the flock, I go after it with a club and rescue the lamb from its mouth. If the animals turn on me, I catch it by the jaw and club it to death. I have done this to both lions and bears, and I’ll do it to this pagan Philistine, too, for he has defied the armies of the living God! The Lord who rescued me from the lion and the bear will rescue me from this Philistine” (1 Samuel 17: 34-37) 

As a class of 2020 graduate, I, like most students here in the US and around the world, didn't get to walk the stage and collect my diploma nor did I get to have a graduation party. However, I did tuned into the Dear Class of 2020 YouTube Originals and got my share of cheering and congratulations but also, my share of crying because every address reminded me of how long and hard the walk to that degree was for me. From the way it started all the way to the end. Although a lot of useful advice were given, addresses were powerful and moving, one of the things that I wrote down and took with me and that I believe is so fitting for this post is "Why not and why not me?" by Russell Westbrook. 

As the class of 2020, we have been dubbed as the class of Resilience because of all we have been able to achieve in the midst of a pandemic but also with regards to the current situation in the US. We are dubbed as the generation that can and most likely will change the world because we have been through SO MUCH and still we rose. Still we rise. And we keep walking towards the things we want, ready to own them; towards the territories we have laid our eyes on, ready to conquer them. As a black woman a who just graduated AND just turned 29, two major events within the same year, at a short time interval, I cannot help but think of it as another way for God to tell me that it is time, that I am ready to level up no matter how unprepared or incapable I feel, no matter how messy and chaotic I think the world is. God is saying "it is time, you are ready and through the tears, the fire and the high water tides, the sleepless night, the highs and the lows, the valleys and the mountains, the heartbreaks and the setbacks, you were made and shaped for such a time as this". And if this is true for me friend, it certainly is for you. 

God makes no mistake. God wastes nothing. Everything we go through has a purpose in God’s curriculum even when we see it as a waste. Every detail is important to God that is why we need to pay attention and seek God’s direction in order to do what He has called us to do instead of what we want to do because God’s way is the best way. God gives his hardest battles to the best soldier. There is something about your life, your walk, your story that will serve you or someone one day so do not give up. Do not back down and remember no matter what you go through that you have been formed, made in God’s image, anointed for such a time as this; to show the word that this mountain can be moved and it will. 

Congratulations to the class of 2020 and especially to all the black young kings and queens who were ever told they would never make it, who had to fight their way through to that degree or who simply followed the path of excellence that was traced before them. 

Chiiiile... WE MADE IT and WE'RE READY TO LEAD THE WAY INTO CHANGE.

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Go Back To The Broken Dreams: A Love Letter From God

Last Sunday was Mothers day and when I think of motherhood (one of the best kinds of hoods), the first things that come to me are birthing and nurturing. And although this article was inspired by those two aspects of motherhood, the audience it is addressed to is not limited by factors such as the ability to physically give birth and the innate ability/inclination of women to be nurturers. I started writing this article thinking of mothers but quickly realized that it was meant to speak to the divine ability that God has put in each and everyone of us to birth and nurture our visions and dreams. 

The birthing of a vision can be painful and more or less long, a little bit at the image of the labor as a woman is about to give birth. And just like with birthing a baby, it doesn't always happen on our timeline and/or terms; no matter how much we try and how much efforts we put into it. As good people and/or Christians, although we have been trained/raised to praise God for what He does for other people, there is always the "why not me" sting and the silent sobs that quickly catch up to us in the quiet moments. Transparency moment: I have been through this. I have traveled down this road and felt the heartbreak when I did everything I could possibly do, prayed every prayer I could possibly pray and yet, "it" didn't happen for me. Yes I am a Christian and I have heard countless times sermons on trusting God's sovereign plan and timing, especially when things don't go my way. But beyond the inner, spiritual being, there is also the human part that feels heartbroken and aches over every broken and/or dead dream and/or vision that never come to pass

These past days, I have spent a lot of time in the books of Ezra and Nehemiah. And as I progressed through these books, God helped understand that not all broken dreams should be discarded and not all dead dreams should be buried. But most importantly, He reminded me that even if we bury those dreams, He can still bring them back to life like He did times and times again in the Bible because, between me and you: He is still that God. 

So let me give a little context to the book of Nehemiah before I get to the heart of my article: Israel is taken into exile in Babylon but a few of them remain in Jerusalem. Nehemiah who is one of the exiles, inquires of those left behind to new comers and wants to know how is Jerusalem doing. And of course, the answers to both questions is BAD. So Nehemiah seeks God and then, while attending to the King, asks him permission to return to Judah for a while so that he could rebuild the city (mainly the wall and the Temple as noted in Nehemiah and Ezra respectively). With the king's approval, Nehemiah got started on the vision/ mission God had put on his heart to rebuild the wall of Jerusalem and the Temple. 

The ruins and rubles depicted in these two books (two books= two different accounts of the same story) represent what is left of the "old" glory (the things we had and lost) but also our dead dreams and lost hope. Ezra, Nehemiah and the other men going back to rebuild the Temple and the Wall of Jerusalem represent those of us that God is calling to go back to the broken dreams in order to rebuild them alongside to the people He has appointed for us to successfully carry the mission to completion. Considering that the mission came from God, we might assume that it would be a walk in the park but it is quite the opposite: this mission was full of threats, deceit and I am sure times where Nehemiah wanted to give up otherwise he wouldn't have prayed to God for strength (Nehe 6:6). Dealing with broken dreams/ lost hope can feel the same: it can bare the same dangers/ threats and the weight of it might, at time, make us feel like it is too much to handle. The triage and sorting, the cleaning and de-cluttering can be overwhelming for us but as much as it is for us, it isn't so to God. All we have to do is ask God for strength the way Nehemiah did and go back to the vision surrounded by the right people.

God used this devotional through the books of Nehemiah and Ezra to remind me that He is the God that can make something beautiful out of the ruins if we let Him. This reminder didn't necessarily take the pain away, but it helped me realize that sometimes, the dreams have to be shattered so that God can rearrange the pieces in a way that best suits his plan - whether it means removing pieces to make room for other things or adding more pieces in order to bring us to the realization that He can do "exceedingly abundantly above all we can ask or imagine" (Eph 3:20). It also helped replace the grief with hope as I came to the realization that just because some of my dreams are broken, it doesn't mean that God can't use them. More importantly, journeying through those two books helped put in perspective the fact that the place where the ruins and chaos lay today can be (and will be) home to something beautiful in the time appointed by God; home to something that has more weight and glory than what was (Hag 2:9), home to something that will one day make me forget the trials and tribulations I ever had to walk through.

God also reminded me that the early stages of going back to those dreams, picking them up from the recycling bin and starting to work on them again might look like nothing; but just because it does look like nothing, doesn't mean that nothing is happening. When Elijah told Ahab that he had to eat and leave because the rain was coming, it wasn't raining yet. Elijah went to pray on the Carmel then sent his servant to look for any sign of rain. His servant went and looked again and again until the seventh time and even when he saw the cloud, he told Elijah it is just a small cloud. Those times where Elijah's servant went to look and saw nothing, there was something happening, it just wasn't visible until it was. And what he called a "small cloud" was what brought a "huge cloudburst" (1 kings 18: 41-46).

You might probably be tired. You might have probably given up on your dreams and if you're anything like me, you might have scoffed at a few of them as you angrily threw them in the trash can. But God is moving them to the recycling bin and He is saying "Go back and rebuild it.Go back to the dead ones. The ones that seem like nothing can come out of them again. The ones you thought couldn't be salvaged. Go back to them and pick them up for I will breathe life into them again. Go back to your dreams and start working on them again." (Eze 37) 

And it is okay if you can't right now. If you're too tired. If you have no strength. Rest here for a little bit. Catch your breath, cry if you must. And when you have done all of this and some more, go back to those dreams and try again, this time with God. 

Until next time,